DivorceInfidelity and a 16 month long rollercoaster*update2*

[Michelle Miller]

Me and my wife haven't been happy for a while now, with one-another.

That all came to a boiling point on February 8th of this year, when she up and left me and our daughter, saying 'she deserved to be happy'. I didn't know why at the time. All I had was her word on why it was happening.

I was crushed. I was literally to the point of contemplating suicide, when it was the realization that it wouldn't affect just me...I was thinking selfishly, and I deeply regret it now. But that's the benefit of hindsight, it's 20-20, and I'm glad I'm here to realize that.

I was depressed for the longest time, because of my epilepsy, and I just kind of gave up, after being denied countless times for disability benefits...I was tired of being poked and prodded by doctor after doctor, with no resolution in sight. I let my depression infect almost every single facet of my life and my relationship with my wife suffered. My day to day interactions with people outside my home became hateful, almost to the point of seeking conflict with random strangers, just because they looked at me funny.

Well, my wife pretty much shut down herself, and she became involved with someone online, trading emails back and forth for the better part of two years. The only reason I know this now, is I'd become suspicious about her behaviors when on her PC...she'd minimize windows when I'd enter the room, she bought a mic/headset to voicechat...little stuff like that, so I installed a keylogger on her machine, and had it report back to an email I'd set up. In my depression, I just forgot about it...until about a week ago.

I had to sift through quite a bit of junk, but when I found what I was looking for, it was as if the heavens had opened up and the veritable mother load was being delivered straight to my doorstep. I found close to 200 emails back and forth from her and him, over the course of a year, with some of the earlier ones referencing events that had happened close to 6 months earlier.

Some of these things were just straight off the creepy train to Delusionalville. They had starting referring to each other as husband and wife about 6 months into it, with some of the later ones having her using his last name, as if they were already married. And his emails to her, well, let's just say I felt dumber for having read them. They all sounded as if a horny teenager with terminal ADD wrote them. Hers weren't much better, but the gist of them were "It'll be over soon and then we can be together", "I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO want to marry you, will you be my wife!!!!!1!!!1!"

Some of the other stuff I found was receipts for plane tickets, promises to visit, and pictures....oh god...the pictures.

You see, I could understand her infidelity, to a point, we were both emotionally detached from each other, that had been going stale for quite a while. What I couldn't understand was the fact that she'd picked some complete hillbilly piece of trailer park trash from north Florida, who looks like Carl from 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' and Ron Jeremy had a kid.

Now, when you send someone pictures...sexual pictures...well, let's just say if I were going to send anyone pictures of my genitalia, I'd have the decency to make sure I didn't have some kind of rash visible in the pics. I'll spare you the displeasure of having to see them, but let's just say that we're calling him 'Captain Hook' from here on out.

So, I did what just about any person would do. I got mad. Then, I did what anyone that doesn't want to go to jail would do. I got myself focused and decided what had to be done. I had to take care of our daughter and myself.

I've spoken to a divorce lawyer, and her recommendation was to speak with a caseworker at the local Social Services office and get some sort of garnishment on my wife's paychecks, as I haven't seen a dime of support money from her. I've also made my lawyer aware of the mountain of evidence I have against her and from my initial impressions, I've got my soon-to-be ex-wife right where I want her.

As they say, it's all about what you can prove...and what I can prove has done more to focus me than anything else that could have happened. I'm channeling my negative energy into doing what's right, what has to be done, and there'll be no more of this depression for me.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Michelle,

First let me say that I feel for you. I understand the sense of betrayal you must feel, having been through something similar. Let me tell you what I learned.

First, infidelity is a symptom of a marriage gone bad, not the cause. People cheat when their needs are not being met. And no one wins a divorce. Everyone loses, mostly the kids. Try to avoid the "getting even" mentality and remember that your daughter still loves her mother and indeed, still needs her.

Don't waste your time trying to win a divorce for the rest of your life and focus instead on living the best life you can. Remember, the best revenge is living good and being happy.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[KimberlyS]

Michelle, it does sound like you have had quite the ride but are now heading down the right track. Great for you for getting a hold of yourself and turning things positive. Keep your head up and keep it going up and up.

[Absaroka]

Michelle that's a lot to deal with and a big surprise. And all the anger is nromal and healthy.

I've never been divorced but my sister was, after mutual infidelity. i'd echo what was said here. You don't win a divorce. But your child can lose in a big way. In spite of your wifes juvenile abandonment of her, your daughter has a mother. Since the marriage sounds like it is over what you need to focus on is not creating a situation where your daughter has more pain than can be avoided. Child support is good, evidence is good. Hopefully the evidence will not be used. Consider the impact of your daughter viewing the evidence.

My sister and her husband were able to agree on a bunch of stuff and now 8 years later are able to get along okay. She bought a house 3 blocks from him so that the kids could walk from mom to dad's house. Of course her ex was more reasonable than yours and did not abandon his kids.

Divorces are either win win or lose lose, except for the lawyers, who always win. A good divorce lawyer will make sure you understand that.

Absaroka

[DonnaT]

Sorry to hear about the betrayal you've discovered.

But it's good to hear you've apparently got past your depression and are taking care of your daughter and yourself.

Have you considered suing to get the disability benefits?

[Michelle Miller]

Hi Michelle,

First let me say that I feel for you. I understand the sense of betrayal you must feel, having been through something similar. Let me tell you what I learned.

First, infidelity is a symptom of a marriage gone bad, not the cause. People cheat when their needs are not being met. And no one wins a divorce. Everyone loses, mostly the kids. Try to avoid the "getting even" mentality and remember that your daughter still loves her mother and indeed, still needs her.

Don't waste your time trying to win a divorce for the rest of your life and focus instead on living the best life you can. Remember, the best revenge is living good and being happy.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Maybe I wasn't giving her what she needed on an emotional level. Maybe I wasn't the best husband in the world, but I loved her and I depended on her, to be there for me when I couldn't do what was best for me in a lot of situations. I'd have done the same for her. What hurts the most is being led on, through months and months of my trying to help us. I tried to do what I could, given the circumstances, but sometimes, it just got to be too much and I'd get depressed, think I was worthless, etc. and I'd fall again.

The lies hurt, more now than when I was neck deep in ignorance...the lie of the smile looking at me as I gave her birthday presents. The lie of an outwardly appearing supportive and loving spouse at my father's funeral. The lie of the look in her eyes during the last few times we made love.

But I can't dwell on those, any more than I can dwell on revenge for them, that's as true as the fact that neither of us are going to come out of this with a minimal amount of emotional scarring.

I've done my best to assure my daughter that regardless of my feelings for her mother, that both her and I still love her dearly and that our feelings for her will not change. I'm trying to keep the burden of pain off my child as much as I can. Badmouthing my wife either to or in front of our child isn't going to do her any good.

Michelle that's a lot to deal with and a big surprise. And all the anger is nromal and healthy.

I've never been divorced but my sister was, after mutual infidelity. i'd echo what was said here. You don't win a divorce. But your child can lose in a big way. In spite of your wifes juvenile abandonment of her, your daughter has a mother. Since the marriage sounds like it is over what you need to focus on is not creating a situation where your daughter has more pain than can be avoided. Child support is good, evidence is good. Hopefully the evidence will not be used. Consider the impact of your daughter viewing the evidence.

My sister and her husband were able to agree on a bunch of stuff and now 8 years later are able to get along okay. She bought a house 3 blocks from him so that the kids could walk from mom to dad's house. Of course her ex was more reasonable than yours and did not abandon his kids.

Divorces are either win win or lose lose, except for the lawyers, who always win. A good divorce lawyer will make sure you understand that.

Absaroka

I wouldn't have as much of a problem with my wife's infidelity if she hadn't been supremely hypocritical in her response to her oldest brother's failed marriage after two bouts of his wife cheating on him and his taking her back, time and time again. All I heard out of my wife was that she had no right to do that to her brother, how she was in the wrong, and that her brother didn't have to put up with her lying, cheating and backstabbing.

I suppose she had just as much right to be happy as my wife did. Funny thing though, my wife didn't see it the same way.

Sorry to hear about the betrayal you've discovered.

But it's good to hear you've apparently got past your depression and are taking care of your daughter and yourself.

Have you considered suing to get the disability benefits?

I have actually, 4 times, and been turned down each time. Epilepsy is one of the most difficult things to prove to a disability board. Basically, what I have to do is get a neurologist to 'catch' one on a monitored EEG, but with the randomness and unpredictability of my disorder, without a common chemical, environmental or emotional trigger cause, recording one would be akin to plugging a VCR into a cable outlet, not knowing what time it is, and trying to record a specific commercial on a specific channel, all the while not knowing what channel's the VCR is set to either.

Regardless, I've set myself back on track, going to see a neurologist, my disability lawyer, a therapist and trying to get my life back on track, both for me and my daughter. A lot of people would see this as just another reason to sink further into their depression, but I'm using it to channel and focus my energy into doing what's right and what needs to be done.

A lot of that led to my depression and my downward spiral and what I needed was support, but I got indifference and rejection. One thing she said to me during the last couple of weeks we had together was 'how much is enough, when I finally have to say 'I'm leaving you to your problems, deal with them'

I told her, "What did your father do, when he had to watch your mother dying of cancer? Was there a point where he said, "There's nothing more I can do for you. Tough it out." Of course, that was met with "there's a big difference, you're not dying like my mother was!"

"Of course I'm not dying in the same sense that your mother did, but your father stuck with her, to support her when she needed him the most."

*stunned silence*

Girls, all of you, seriously, thanks for the shoulder to cry on, and thanks for the support. I really appreciate it right now, and you're all being a big help in helping me get through this.

[Virginia]

HI Michelle,

Well from a "been there done that" view, twice!! The movie "The Devil's Advocate" when the devil, says something to the effect, "Guilt?! Guilt is that sack of bricks you carry slung over your shoulder, set it down!!!"

That is the hardest thing to do, but it has to be done, you have to set down the guilt and pigeonhole your hate! It is tough, but if you can achieve that and concentrate on making Michelle a better woman and focusing on your daughter's well-being it sure makes things a lot easier.

Every time my "ex's" attorney hauls me back into court over virtually nothing, trying to intimidate me, I have made a game of it trying to make the judge laugh or kid with the two or three sheriff's deputies who are always present and I just look at my "ex" and think, first "you're a total idiot" and "you left me to go back and live with your 80+ year old parents." I don't mean to co-op your thread, but as I have said on this forum, one if not the thing that lead to the divorce was she began seeing a single, never married, counselor who was treating her with such advanced medical techniques as the use of music therapy (whatever the hell that is) and she also used tuning folks on her feet! I have no doubt that the truth be known that she was ultimately responsible for my ex leaving me. I had come out to her about my emerging TS/TG/CD whatever.

Sorry, anyway, as I said from the start, it is difficult, but you have to set down the sack of bricks and don't hate! Just actually feel sorry for her, but not in the aspect of "I feel sorry for you and I will take you back." Just, "you're an idiot and I feel sorry for you but don't come knockin around here no more!" Maybe there's a C&W song in there somewhere.

We are here for you and I can assure you that when we get our house in a livable condition SL and and I would love to come to visit you!

Keep the faith, hon, we are here for you!

Virginia

[Georgia(SO)]

RE: Catching an epileptic seizure on an EEG. I don't know a lot about it, but I think a friend of mine a few years ago mentioned that there is a portable EEG machine that they can hook up to you - sort of a backpack sort of thing - so that it's always on and increases the chances of catching one. Perhaps this would be an option for you and your neurologist.

Sorry about all the other stuff... I know it sucks. Let me tell you a quick story. A long time ago, when my kids were young, I left their father. Lots of reasons why, lots of stuff he did, lots of stuff I did. The point is this - he decided back then (1991) that I "no longer had any kids" and worked hard to make that a reality. After all these years, all have returned to having a relationship with me except the youngest. Their father's desire for revenge was palpable and ugly and he has never gotten past it. The impact - the ongoing impact - on the 4 kids has been this - they never know whether they can trust him to be at the same event that I will be at - the last time (high school graduation for the No. 2 kid back in about 1998) was seriously ugly with their dad threatening to hit me.

My kids have always had to make a choice as to which parent to invite to any given activity - one asked me not to come to his college graduation, even though we have a good relationship. One is planning to elope rather than to choose between parents attending his wedding. Another has issued invitations for his wedding, but has pointedly said that I will be there and if Dad can't behave, he is not welcome. None of this is fair to the kids... They only have one wedding (theoretically), one graduation, one this or that and they want to be able to have both parents there.

Michelle, please figure out how to forgive. Not forget, not make up and get back together, but let go of the anger enough that the two of you can be in the same room together at your daughter's event - whatever it might be. The best way to start this is at something innocuous, like a ball game or the kids' birthday or something. If you can learn to be in the same room for those, by the time she gets married or graduates, it'll be old hat and she won't have to make the choices my kids do...



It sounds like you will be able to do that, since you know what was going on as you tried to hold the marriage together. It hurts like hell to know that your efforts weren't going to pay off, but it also relieves any of those "Well, what if I had done this, or not done that... maybe if I had said..." questions that can drive us all batty.

-georgia (so)

[Elizabeth]

Hi Michelle,

I just wanted to add to what Georgia(SO) said. Last year when I attended "Mock Trial" for my teenage son, I had encouraged his older brother to go with me and support my son that was competing. I have always encouraged my other kids to support one another.

While their mother lives about a hundred miles away, she usually attends at least one of the competitions. Because I usually attend all of them, there are times we are there together. Well this time, she asked my oldest son to sit with her.

My oldest son said ok, but told her that he was attending with me. So he asked me if I had a problem with my ex sitting with us. Now we really don't like each other and certainly would prefer not to sit by one another. But I told him It was ok with me as long as I didn't have to sit right next to her.

Apparently he didn't tell her that, when he agreed to sit next to her. She just assumed that he would come and sit with her. But instead he motioned her to come and sit next to him, and she did. So it was me, then my son, then my ex-wife in consecutive seats in the small courtroom.

We didn't speak, but it meant a lot to not only my son who was participating, but also my oldest son who arranged it, to sit together in support. And, it didn't seem to hurt me at all. In fact in a way it kinda tickled me that she was sitting with us, me dressed, well, as me. I am sure she would have sworn that would never happen. But to her credit, she did it to support her kids. And that is the message of the story.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Michelle Miller]

Well, I got to meet my new 'husband-in-law' today, and jeez.

I really feel sorry for my wife now. You girls have no idea, how hard it was to keep from laughing at them both, but I was the very essence of civility and, from all outward appearances, as friendly as a used car salesperson that needs to get just one more sale for the month.

I went over to pick up some stuff...clothes, a few household items, and the wife's car was gone, but there was a new car in the driveway. Out-of state plates, a couple of boxes in the backseat, and mapquest directions printed on a piece of paper on the passenger seat.

My place had a really loud floor. You could literally hear a pindrop from outside the front door. I hammered on it a couple times and I heard him go into the 'DEFCON 1' "OMG!?!?! Who's at the door?" thing. No answer. I try again, and decide to wait on the wifey to show...not long after, she does.

We make a bit of small talk, I tell her what I need and we go inside. Just at that moment, her father shows up, invites himself in and has a seat next to his new soon-to-be son-in-law. I ask how he's doing, how everyone is down his way, etc. Then, I turn to the wife's new loverboy. "Hey, how was your trip up here? Take long? Everything go OK? Safe?"

*stunned stuttering* If anyone really wants to know what he sounds like, go find a Homestar Runner cartoon on www.homestarrunner.com and take a listen, just with more of a lisp.

I hear the wife behind me comment to her father "Wow...gee, this is awkward"

I also filed for custody today of my daughter. My lawyer called it open and shut...a slam dunk. He said I'd pretty much have to get myself arrested for something above grand larceny/manslaughter to even give her an inkling of a chance of getting custody of our child, and here she is, digging herself deeper and deeper. I called him after I got back home and gave him a recap of the events, where they are, what they're doing, etc.

I even told her, "Look, we're still married as far as the letter of the law goes. This, you know, him being here isn't helping you one bit." I asked her what she planned to do about 'Michelle', and she said she hadn't decided. I took that as a small challenge, and said "Let's remember, in court, it's not what you know, it's what you can prove, and all your proof is sitting in my friend's Jeep right now and it's going with me." I have all of our physical photos/pictures/etc and Michelle's whole wardrobe was going with me.

There's no pics of me on her PC, and I know she doesn't have anything to be able to say "look at the freak/weirdo/etc"...except one thing, her oldest brother, the one that's practically married to a pre-op friend of mine...and how's that gonna look, she goes to them and says "I need evidence to bury Michelle for being a freak/weirdo/etc". She's a hypocrite, but I don't think she's that stupid.

We chatted for a bit more, but really, I don't wish ill will on her. I see this as a damn good chance to hit the reset button for myself, and get myself going again.

[Virginia]

Sure glad that things went as well as they did under the circumstances. Actually sounds like they are providing the comic relief for you, take advantage of it.

I am glad you are able to share with us and keep it up. As it was said, no guilt, just set the sack of bricks down and concentrate on your child and keeping her content. As an aside, and I know you have thought of this, but try not to disrespect your "ex" to her. I know that can come back to bite you regardless of the circumstances.

Good luck, hon and keep the faith, sounds like you are doing OK, but if we can be a sounding board, just let us know.

Love ya,

Virginia

[Michelle Miller]

I look at it this way, Virginia. I'm trying to laugh at it, because if I'm finding it funny on some level, I'm not seething in anger about it, and angry people do bad things...bad things that judges tend to look down on, and take into account when deciding who gets what and who gets shafted when it rolls into divorce court.

She's doing a damn good job of digging her own bottomless pit with this whole situation, and there's no way I'm gonna do anything to help her up out of it.

[Michelle Miller]

Well, many things have transpired in the last couple of weeks, the main one being that me and the wife are on fairly civil terms, we had a 'date' of sorts, this past saturday, we took our daughter to see 'Monsters vs. Aliens', and we talked for a bit in the days that followed, both of us trying to understand where we went wrong.

One thing that's been a gigantic help is something my therapist said to try, he says, "what you need to do, is use all that negative energy, that builds up inside you, for whatever reason, let the reason go, and channel that energy into doing what you need to do."

Now, obviously, if I'm robbed at gunpoint, I'm not gonna channel anything except a call to the police. It's the little stuff that I've got to use, the day to day junk, and I've got to say, my place has never been cleaner. I've turned into something of an OCD clean freak.

But enough about that, I know why she did what she did. Nobody just gets up one day and says, "Now, what do I have to do today...get the mail, laundry..and oh yeah, infidelity!" There's usually a good reason why someone would seek an emotional attachment with a third party, mine was that she wasn't feeling the bond we once shared.

But I'm tryin' to fix it.

[DonnaT]

Best of luck, Michelle.

[Anita]

Hi Michelle--
Here's some support for getting through these times. It sounds like your therapist was a big help. It's good to hear that you have a connection with one right now. I also think you can only gain by seeing your spouse's point of view, even if it's only for a second here and there. She didn't do all this disruption just on the spur of the moment, you're right. It took a lot of stress to get to the point where all this is happening. May it continue to work itself out.