Role reversal

[Chantelle]

My very assertive SO has been incredibly sweet in never making a fuss about my CDing. In fact, she has been very helpful and actually enjoys when I do CD The truth of the matter is that I am more afraid of go out dressed than she is. I am quite lucky, I know.

Petite and very pretty, she used to wax and therefore, would grow out her leg hair, eyebrow hair etc. before waxing. Admittedly, at my subtle insistence (teasing...ok maybe not so subtle), she began to shave. At the time, I never realized the irony of the situation.

Anyways, she posed an interesting scenario which might be of interest to some of you. She pointed out how she has felt pressure (partly due to my CDing) to become more feminine and effeminate since we have met and although this has been generally enjoyable for the most part, it carries some burden and work (as we all know). She asked me consider an hypothetical situation. How would I react to her growing out all of her hair (including her underarm hair...yuk!), cutting the hair on her head really short, putting a couple of socks in her jeans, sporting cowboy boots, maybe a hat and wearing a burly wool coat with one of those terrible patterns. I told her the latter was wrong even if you were from Mars!!!

Uhhhmmm...I did not know what to say honestly. I was really dumbfounded as I had always thought that women enjoyed the ability to dress as they please without any restraint at all. I recognized just how
"femocentric" (is that a word?) I actually am. I also realized just how tolerant she was and how I might not be as tolerant as I initially thought. I ended up saying that I would accept her no matter what but knew deep down that it would take some sacrifice and tolerance from me.

As usual, I so love her challenging questions.

[Calina_Leigh]

I would respond by asking her if it would make her happy. If it is somthing she would want to do, then it is something you would have to adjust to just as she is adjusting to you. I was opposed to my wife getting Gastric By pass surgery for many reasons, 1)I knew how much work it would be during recovery. 2)What happened if she became hot and found someone else with less emotional baggage 3)How are we going to afford it etc...

But it is something she wanted so I did not stop her. I have come to the realization that I cannot control the future and I am not the master of her. I do my best to be a good husband and know that if she were to ever leave me, it is not my fault. She is an adult and knows that the decisions that she makes affects more than just her.

[Amelie-Laveau]

Chantelle,, You have a very smart SO. I always questioned CDing in the same manner. I want to be a woman so I try my best to look like a woman, yet many here do not want to be a woman, but they wear bras and stuff them(?) I can understand wanting to wear a dress or skirt or even make-up, but why a stuffed bra? Or tucking yourself, why is this done if all you want to do is dress like a woman but not be a woman? CDs even corset themselves for a more woman look, Why? Most do not want to be woman, why try to physically try to change your shape to that of a woman. I sometimes think CDing is more than just wearing the clothes of woman, I think there is a hidden desire to be a woman. This just an observation, that I see and I think Chantelle's SO sees. I think if any CD's sig-other wants to dress this way, there should be no questioning their motives and should accept it right on the spot. It is the same person you loved before, just dressed differently. I was best friends to a gg in NY, she was what can be called a tom-boy. We got along great, there was never any questions on how we dressed, or how we acted. We had a deep love that nothing in the way we looked could change that.
This is also just an obsevation. I think most here have to strong a belief in what is fem and male. That there are actually differences between male and female. I mean more socialy than physicaly. I lived with people who didn't stereotype female and male traits. Men and woman I new did the same things, some dressed the same, there was no clear fem and male rules, and no one cared what the other looked like. I mean some women didn't shave their legs, some men wore make-up, some woman shaved their heads, some men shaved their eyebrows. We just lived to have fun, there were no rules, the first time I ran into people with rules is when I went to my first drag bar, the girls there had a dictionary sixed book of rules. I would have thought they would have been the last people who would have rules.
I think I'm ranting and raving, I hope this makes sense, the words sound better in my head than when I type them
Love Amelie

PS Chantelle, she sounds very nice, I like Her

[Chantelle]

why try to physically try to change your shape to that of a woman. I sometimes think CDing is more than just wearing the clothes of woman, I think there is a hidden desire to be a woman. This just an observation, that I see and I think Chantelle's SO sees.

Wow! A very astute observation Amelie. I like when people are direct and polite. Rather than asking why we CD, the question seems to be why not go all the way if we shape our bodies when dressing.

I seriously considered a complete transformation in my 20's, but backed off. I decided not to go ahead largely because I believed that I would live a very solitary life. My family would have alot of readjusting to do and because of my stature (tall, kinda muscular), I would require a lot of work. At the risk of sounding conceited, I believe I am pretty enough to pass, but my height and large hands/feet would cause me too much insecurity. Also, I do not want to live a life of constant surgeries. So, I guess it is just for pragmatic reasons. All things considered, it is just not worth it. So, CDing and body shaping is a compromise and compromise/settling never sounds very good even if it works.

You are right in saying that my SO recognizes this in me. I am very skilled at hiding things, but not from her. She is really scary in this regard and I like this about her. In fact, when we first met, I sat her at the table to tell her about my CDing. I said, "I have something important to tell you". She was reading and jokingly retorted, "don't tell me, you used to be a woman!" I paused and said, "uhhmm...no, but I once seriously thought about becoming a woman". She does this all of the time but I don't tell her how observant she is every time. I just try not to look too amazed. Really freaky!!

Chantelle
xo

[Terri(SO)]

Chantelle,
Thank you for your post! I have been looking at my own experience as an SO as embracing my femininity that I was not previously able to enjoy. I will say, though, in the beginning, when MY CDer would make "suggestions" on how I could be more feminine or teasing, as you say, it was very difficult. We had some intense discussion about how I felt insulted that he thought I should do the full make-up thing and wear push-up bras to give myself "a better shape" He swears he did not say bigger but I know I heard it. Needless to say, after I have helped him do the full face makeup a few times this is no longer on his list of things he thinks I should do. He also has a little more respect for my being able to wear heels all day (including walking the concrete sidewalks) without complaining too much. He was able to help me embrace something that was inside of me and I will only do things that enhance what's there, not do anything that feels fake to me.

But, the reason I'm responding and commending you for asking yourself the question of how accepting you would be is: From what I read in many (not all or even the majority) of posts here, there are some CDers who want, even demand full acceptance without returning the respect.

Remember we (SOs) may be able to accept and even encourage this femme side of you but we are still our own persons and need to be who we are without trying to live up to your internal image of the perfect woman. We get enough of that from the media. And, we do not experience what you feel as you dress, our involvement is mostly as spectators and because it is so, we are not necessarilly having as much fun as you are.

[Virginia]

Chantelle, I difference to my sister, Amelie, most of us do not have any desire to be physically a woman. As you have surely noticed, there are all stages of CD'ers from those who may just wear underware once in a while to those who dress 24/7 and everything in between. On the mental side some just dress to what ever degree is applicable where as some of us want to know why!! Science is just now beginning to study "us." When I say just beginning, what ?15 - 20 years?" which really is not a very long time. But there have been some very interesting observations made and some interesting articles written on these observations. A couple of confirmed, "carved - in stone" things, One it appears to be once a CD'er always a CD"ers. We may repress it, supress it, ignore it, take it to the grave but it is a part of us, at least those of us brave enough to try and understand it. Second, it is a gift actually a wonderful gift! It is my considered opinion that we may be the next step in human evolution. Think about it, the ability to transistion emotionally between male and female. At that point, the actual dressing becomes secondary to actually being able to bestow the feminine characteristics of empathy, gentleness, caring, on those with whom we come into contact with.
Again my considered opinion, a lot less GG's want to dress as males than males want to CD. Why would a woman not want to be a woman all things being equal!?
Love ya,
Virginia

[Chantelle]

As usual, I agree with you entirely Virginia. There are a lot of different reasons for CDing and the fact that we get along so well is enough for me to say that we are "a step above". I truly value this site for this reason. But, I think that our sister Amelie raises an interesting question. Why shape the body if the focus is only on presenting one's true identity? I do not expect an answer to such a difficult question, but I found the question very interesting. Is CDing about body modification or about the way one presents their identity to others? What are we to make of those who CD in complete secrecy?

[Candice]

everyone is posing very good points...

for me, i don't desire just to dress as a woman, i want to physically become a woman, and the next best thing is looking like a woman, i may stuff my bra or pump up what i have to create cleavage, and all of the various other tricks, but this is for myself, i am a completely different person, i look in a full length mirror and it is not the same person anymore, it is a transformation, back to back, you wouldn't recognize me, as is the case with others as well...

but like some of you were saying, some of us don't go that far, they will just wear underclothing, or maybe dress up, without makeup or just wear a nightgown to sleep...but all of us want to at least feel like a woman even if its for a couple moments...so i can see why some would try to alter their body, they want to be a woman at that time, maybe not permanently...that's how i percieve it anyway.