Hi all,
Merinda,
Dear, sweet Merinda: thanks for not freaking out on me.
I was afraid that some things I said would hurt you and, in anything I say, here on the forum, it's never my intention to hurt anyone. I'm glad you saw that. The thing is, you
do sound like you currently lead a happy and fairly fulfilling life. Indeed, we
should count our blessings, regardless of how we came by them. I think what set off my rant is the fact that people tend to make sweeping generalizations based, on the one hand, strictly on their own experience, and, on the other hand, on an inadequate knowledge or undestanding of that to which they refer to (in this case, "what it's like to be a woman"... where it's thought that women don't suffer rejection at the hands of men as much as men do at the hands of women).
All the women I know, without exception (and regardless of whether or not they're "young and pretty"), have suffered rejection at one time or another in their lives at the hands of men--some of them with the direst and most disastrous of consequences. This isn't a matter of personal feeling, for me; it's what I hear and see when I listen to, and look at, the lives of the women around me and with whom I enjoy a certain closeness.
Yes, true, many of my female friends are feminists. I'll admit that. But I ask myself, "Why does a woman become a feminist?" The answer I come up with (and it's very much my own) is: because far too many men are too "masculinist" (read: they--perhaps subconsciously--too easily discount the lives and experiences of women... just over half the human species). Feminist or not, though, women don't have it any easier than men do, when it comes to the relationship between the sexes. Some men--who truly believe that women are imbued with some sort of mythical power of unfailing attraction or sex appeal--would like to
think so. Yet, if that were, indeed, the case, what of the majority of ordinary-looking women? Why don't men give them a second glance? Do these women not also possess this power over men? Much less devastating it is for a man to go up to a woman and be rejected out of hand than it is for a woman to not even merit a man's first glance. There's just no "best" way or "worst" way to relate to a woman. Just this: be yourself. Quacks like John Gray make a fortune by stoking our fears, insecurities, and misconceptions when it comes to how best to understand the opposite sex. Really, there's nothing to "understand." Like the bumper sticker says: "Men are from Earth; Women are from Earth. Period." Which gives me a good segue into Beauty's post.
Beauty,
Thanks for being so open and honest about this.
The two of us, we've covered this ground before. Although, in replying to Merinda's original post, it wasn't really my intention to re-ignite a debate over dating techniques, now that the subject is on the table, I only have this to say, really. Each person is unique; I don't have a dating "template" that I can "apply" across the board. I
do understand what you mean, though, when you refer to a man's ability (or lack thereof--and it's surely my case, most of the time, seeing as I'm not really "looking" all that hard) to grasp whatever signals of interest a woman might (or might not) be sending his way. Beauty, this is a fundamental difference between us. And it's a difference not in our approaches but in our personalities. I'm not the "go-getter" you are (or seem to be). I have never, ever been rejected by a woman. Ever. Why? No, not because of any inherent superiority in my dating "technique." Hell! Far from it! Simply this: from a shy and withdrawn childhood to a (relatively) shy and withdrawn adulthood, I've always let the world itself come to me rather than aggressively going "out there" to get it for myself. I'm just not built that way. I pay attention to the world around me (and, yes, this includes women) but I don't covet anything in that world. I try to remain as real as I can (a bit of a paradox for a crossdresser, but one I've learned to live with--I'm as full of contradictions as anyone else here, on this forum, or in this world) knowing full well that people (women included) will sense this and hopefully be attracted to this quality. In all my relationships save one, I've never been the one to "initiate" contact, to approach a woman with "that" in mind. Never. On top of that, I've never rejected a woman in any way that would make her feel like a discarded piece of trash; I've told women, "No, thanks, I'm flattered, really, but, for this or that reason, I'm not on a relationship track, right now. Still interested in having a coffee, though?" I know this way of relating to women sounds like a glorified pick-up line to you, like an artfully slick manipulation by a smooth talker, but it's just not the case. And, Beauty, I'm not offended that you'd think this; I know that you can only go by what you, yourself, see around you. My own experience is different, is all.
Anyway, the "dating" section of my post above wasn't what was foremost in my mind when I wrote what I did. No, what bothered me more is the fact that there seems to be (no, I know that there, in fact,
IS) this idealized image of womanhood floating around that both men (especially crossdressers) and women hold up as a
desideratum. This has two main consequences: one, it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on women to "perform," as far as their appearance is concerned (through fashion, cosmetics, or plastic surgery, for example) and, two, it too often prevents men from seeing not the forest for the trees but the individual trees for the forest. If we can't see what's there, right in front of us, rather than what's in our own minds, we become lost. And this is what I see: we're lost, in many ways. We don't know what's real, anymore. Well, to me, the person sitting or standing there, across from me, is real. I'd even extend this to the Internet; when discovering who another person is while online, and once we've gotten past the seduction stage ("seduction," here meaning, trying to show ourselves to the other in the best possible light and in the most attractive manner--whether the aim is intimacy or friendship), realness, like a flower, is now free to blossom (if all conditions favour its blooming--just like in real life).
Now, all this might sound just too weird coming from a man who, for most of his life, has been dressing up in women's clothing and occasionally trying to pass himself off as a woman--a pretty and sexy and young-looking woman, at that. So, what gives? Well, I know that, in many ways (and some of them Shakespearian), I'm a bit like an "actor" in my own life. I enjoy living and taking on the different roles one must in order to live in this world. Being a son. Being a brother. Being a man. Being a crossdresser. Being Christina. These are all roles I'm called to play, here below, so to speak. I take none of them too seriously and just try to remain aware of my "Self" behind "myself," so to speak. Life is not "a vale of tears," for me (well, it no longer is, anyway); no, life is fun, it's a play... "all the world's a stage / and we are but players on it." If I didn't truly believe this, I would've managed to successfully carry out my plans to kill myself long ago. Plus, as I said above, I've learned to accept, at the very core of my own soul, that to be human is to be full of wondrous and often contradictory mysteries. I am that. And so are all of you.
Love,
CJ
P.S.
Beauty, what I say about women may not sound as sincere, to your ears, as what, for example, Hillary Clinton, might say about them, but could it be you're missing the point that both Sen. Clinton and I may be speaking as human beings when we say the things we do, and not just as either a man or a woman?
They get involved with these types and then complain that they treat them like garbage, but then go right back out to find another one. Makes no sense. On the other hand, I have noticed that when some women do hook up with a nice guy, they end up treating them like dirt 
