Crossdressers-Haven.com

Originally Posted on Tranny Radio Forums (Aust)

Ladies,

I have found myself in a situation I that I was hoping I would not be in again. And that is the complete breakdown of my second marriage. My SO has left and has sited CDing as "Part" of the problem. This I find relatively difficult to understand as she has helped me with my CDing. A few things she has done voluntarily (no I have never had to push) are:

1. Encouraging me to join The Seahorse Society.
2. Taken me shopping for clothing and accessories.
3. Ensuring I have time to dress by taking the step-kids (now grown up) out for the day.
4. Occasionally sewing a couple of garments for me.
5. Helping in selecting the right make-up to buy.
6. Suggesting which wigs to purchase so they suit me.
7. Selecting some of her own wardrobe that no longer fits to pass on to me.
8. Has taken me for a couple of evening picnics as the girls.
9. Has joined me at Mardi Gras once.
10. And most importantly picked out my Femme name for me.

I just find it a bit tough to understand why, when things do get heated and we argue that she constantly brings up my CDing and puts me down about it. Then she tells me she is jealous of Hayley and can never tell me where it comes from. Yet on good days she tells me that she is proud of the fact that I admit to myself who I am. That she says I am a beautiful woman.

I know we have other problems in our lives that contributed to the seperation, but just cannot for the life of me understand why she has to use my CDing as an excuse. Or is it merely to hurt me? She knew before she moved interstate to be with me that this is who I am. I originally told her about my CDing over the phone, and then when I went to visit her before she moved up, and we discussed it in depth together. She said if that was who I was then so be it. Yes, we had sat and discussed a set of compromises to be able to fit CDing in to our lives. And it has gone well. Yet she still drives a vicious nail into my heart when she uses my CDing to attack me.

Have any other Ladies, or even SO's, had similar experiences? I am now coping well with what has happened and am quite happy living on my own. But would just like to try to understand a bit better. I refuse to let this drive me, but wish to have my curiosity satisfied. If any other ladies have experienced similar I would like to hear how they coped and am willing to help others in similar situations.

Thanks for your patience Ladies. Best wishes and happy hugs.
Hayley Faith

This post is in no way meant to offend any forum members. Nor open old wounds. If however you are offended please let me know and I will amend the post.

Hayley ,

I'm real sorry to hear about this , it looks like it came out of the blue by reading your post.
I can relate to the positive support one day and totally adverse the next , I seem to get this all the time, but it would take my wife to dress in mans cloths before I could really comprehend what SO's have to go through.

I dont believe that in a strong relationship the issue of CDing alone will tip a marriage , but I believe that if there are other problems then CDing may well be a contributor.

Sounds like your coping with it reasonably well Hayley , I hope your wife reconsiders , but at this stage all I can do is give you my support and wish you strenght to get through .

Take care of yourself Hayley

Sorry to hear that Hayley. I could have written some of what you wrote.

My wife will bring up the D word too often for my liking. For example, I told her we need to make plans for our 30th anniversary and she'll say she wonders if we'll get that far one day, and the next everything is fine.

I wish I could tell you what gets into some of our wives, but then they don't really know. Maybe its the worry that we will want to take hormones or go through GRS. My wife asked me about that just the other night. It doesn't seem to sink in that I have never felt the need to go that far.

Alll we can do is keep talking and hoping for the best.

Hello Hayley,

As I've said before, in my experience I've rarely seen crossdressing used as the sole reason for a wife walking away from her marriage, but I've often seen where it has been put up as the excuse for her leaving, where the marriage was on shakey ground due to other issues.

Really, it's the perfect excuse for a wife to give if because of other issues she wants out of the marriage. Sometimes people don't always give their full reasons for some things they do and if we think about it, a wife can walk away from her marriage and if it's not the main reason, if she gives the excuse that she can't live with her hubby crossdressing, then she will be showered with every sympathy from her family and friends, whereas if she gives other reasons then she may find her friends and family may not be so accepting of her actions, but with crossdressing as the excuse she is virtually gauranteed that she will get the majority of sympathy.
Naturally I don't know the intricacies of your lives but the fact your work takes you away from home for long extended periods to far away places where you currently are up North, may have some bearing on her being unsettled. To me, the fact that she throws the crossdressing back at you when things get heated and you are arguing, does suggest that she is using the CDing as the excuse to leave. The fact that she says CDing is part of the issue does suggest that there are other issues making her restless and unsatisfied to the extent she has to move on.

Whilst separation usually hurts at least one party, sometimes in the longer term it's for the best, but I guess only you two know the truth of it all. I guess that if she's decided to end your marriage then her best weapon is the one which will hurt the most and have the greatest impact, some people don't always use the most pleasant methods of gaining their objectives. Not that I've ever experienced a personal marriage break up, but I've seen plenty and mostly someone gets hurt during the process.

I wish you well and I dearly hope you find the way to cope and mend your life so you can move on to a happier and more pleasant life.

My Kind Regards.

Sally.

HUGS Haley!!!!

I can totally relate to how you are feeling! I went through the same thing myself, my ex was the most supportive spouse you have ever met as far as dressing was concerned. She actually preferred me being Stef to my guy mode, to the point of I had days when I would tell her I didn't want to dress and she would get mad. That sounds fabulous right? The problem was that any time when things didn't go her way or we were in an argument that she felt she was losing then suddenly I became this freak that she couldn't stand. Stef became her trump card to use to try to get at me.

When we separated her friends and family had no sympathy for her so she played the Stef card to gain the support of her family which worked til I mentioned that her new boyfriend was also a CDer.

They way I coped with it was to realize that she was hurting and confused and she was looking for ways to justify to herself that she was doing the right thing. She let her emotions dictate her actions, she has since apologized many times over for the way things happened when we split up and I believe her sincerity.


Hugs,
Stef

Thank you for your kind wishes Ladies. Everything you have all discussed has a very familiar ring to it. I will admit my own fallability for my part. There are many small issues and a couple of big issues that have contributed to our going seperate ways. We both agree that reconciliation is not an option. So on with our seperate lives we must go. I am more frustrated at the hurtful comments thrown at me. I am no angel, very few of us are, but of late I have done extremely well at biting my tongue, just for peace and quiets sake. But the marriage is definately over.

I don't feel as though the CDing is an issue as I never dress in front of her unless she agrees to it (only the rarest of occasions in the last two years). I remember arriving home to Newcastle from Sydney at 1am one morning dressed and copped a right mouthful. The fact that all were asleep at home be damned as far as the now Ex-SO was concerned.

Merely my curiosity as to why she thought it ok to sting me in such a manner. I guess I will never know. Oh well on with life and time to drink from the silver heels of Ms Freedom.

Yes, Merinda I am coping well with this. Sitting moping about what can't be undone is psychologically dangerous. I don't own her, nor she me, so I just choose to let it go and be done. Should I be a moggy my nine lives would have been shot ages ago and all due to curiosity. LOL

To all of you wonderful Ladies, my love and hugs.

Hi Hayley,

When people talk separation, it's pretty common for all kinds of hurtful things to be said and done. In considering separation, a person naturally tends to exaggerate, in their own mind, the other's "faults." That way they will minimize potential regret later. It's a kind of defense mechanism and nothing to take personally.

Then she tells me she is jealous of Hayley and can never tell me where it comes from. Yet on good days she tells me that she is proud of the fact that I admit to myself who I am. That she says I am a beautiful woman.

Concerning spouse jealousy: in our society, it is easier for males to explore their female sides, because we have greater confidence, freedom, and social power. Women might have just as great a need to explore their male sides but are much more repressed in this regard. So it makes sense that they might respect and resent our crossdressing at the same time.

Cathy

Hi Haley,

In my own split up, up until the time we decided to split, I was just an underdresser. And only wore girls underwear. While my exwife did not exactly approve, it also was not at the forefront of our marriage. I mean for almost 10 years she washed, dried, returned to my drawer, my girls underwear. Many times borrowing them, and sometimes outright stealing them. It was not until she started having an affair that all the sudden the crossdressing was such a big problem. Yes, I know, if your wife is having an affair that is a symptom of a bad marriage, not the cause.

In the end I think it was what several of my sisters said. It ensures society will be on their side, whether it is thier family, your family, friends, co-workers or the legal system. It's a proven winner. "he's a crossdresser? you poor thing, you need a real man".

I think it is hard to resist the idea of being "the winner" in a split up. The sad truth is, no one wins. When love is lost, it is just sad.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi Haley--
In reading the post, I realized that I have done the same thing to some of the women in my life.

The issues that came up were unexpected discoveries similiar to CDing--something that I didn't know going in, but had to deal with after becoming involved.
[Edit: I realize you said that in this case, you told her up front. But I also know that at the beginning of new love, we all feel that we can overcome any difficulty or differences that we see. We're on a high]

I would compromise, try new ways of doing things to help the problem, and I would have days where the compromises really worked, and I even had enthusiasm for them. It of course made me happy that my feelings seemed to be in line with what made things work best.

And I would do a certain amount of "acting as if." I'd put up my best front to make things go smoothly. So the GF might think that things were just wonderful. And they might have been, for months at a time.

But it takes a certain amount of energy and willingness to keep working at something like this. If stresses from some other part of life got too high, then my energy would get stretched thin. And a lot of the time, it meant that I'd suddenly revert to old behaviors that I thought were long past.
I just wouldn't have enough energy to keep all the acts together.

Some of the other posts allude to this. It isn't always the CDing alone that sinks the marriage or relationship. It's more the fact that when other stresses start piling up, the CDing issue is often the "weak point" that gives first.

Wow, Haley, must be something in the water??? huh? Me, you, Elizabeth and others getting or have gotten separated, divorced and crossdressing is pointed to as the primary reason. I think we all as one of our sisters pointed are not perfect and there are usually additional reasons. We reason with them - that we have no designs on SRS or hormones or "alternative lifestyles." but for some reason they don't or won't accept it. In my pursuit of answers I have this one that I am seeking: What do women see as being so dangerous in a crossdresser? I don't want to hear the "what if your wife came home and wanted to dress as a man" That's a copout and we all know it ain't gonna happen in 99% of the cases.
Haley we feel for you, it ain't easy for any of us, but girl you have this forum, use it and we will help you bear your cross as best we can!
Love and understanding,
Virginia

Hi Hayley

Kathy (wife of cd) here. I just wanted to interject one thing. As for doing nice gestures and kind things like the list you have given about your soon to be ex....it is the bizarre thing we do as wives or girlfriends. Doing things that make our guys happy does not always mean we like, approve, want to partake in, enjoy, or have sudenly changed our tune about something. Sometimes women 'try on' these things that appear to be acceptance, not becuase they have changed their personal stance, but it buys 'time' or gets a guy off our back if only for a while.

I absolutely hate to compare crossdressing to any hobby or sport, beucase I know it goes much deeper, but still, it comes down to nice gestures. When I sit down and watch a football game with my hubby, I dont' do it becuase I have started to want to understand or be a part of his football watching experience. I do so becuase it appeases him. When I have gone out of my way and looked for a special team jersey or other item related to football that I think he will like I dont' do it becuase I have started to embrace it. i do it because I think it will make me look like the 'good wife'. I have sat in the cold to watch a football game that I absoluted hated, because he really wanted me to be there. I went, I pretended to enjoy it, but inside I could not wait till the damn thing was over.

Does this sort of make sense?

SO I hate to say this, but this is truly a case where actions never speak louder than words. We women do alot of things we don't like becuase we hate to hurt out guys feelings. But, then there comes a time and we boil over. I actually got into a really heated argument over football a few weeks ago and my husband was surprised that his watching football really affected me that badly that I was crying and all that.

So I am never surprised when I see a wife who 'appears' to be going along okay suddenly stop all the seemingly positive behavior.

Please I hope no one gets offended becuase I am comparing these two totally different topics.

Of all the cd's in the world, I had to marry one who likes football!!!!! argh!!!!


hugs and best of luck

kathy in canada




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Kathy, I am sorry for Hayley but I am "been there doin' that" right now and she has all my support I can offer in the forum.
KathySO
Now I would like to address your post! Please don't get me wrong, but are you saying that (some) women have a built-in myrtar complex. Oh, I have questions?!! and evidently misunderstandings. So addtionally your saying that women have the innate right to (how do I say this) constantly "flip-flop" ie., change their minds on any and everything that affects them one way or the other?? This is evidently true as a lot of us (males in general) experience this. Is it just part of the gender to do this and (don't get upset)) get away with it???IF this is the case and it is simply, well not simple but a "gender thing." IT can explain why one day she is OK with crossdressing and the next she seems to lose her mind over it!!?? I am in search of an answer to the big question and that is (assuming all things being equal, ie the CD'er does not want to go beyond dressing) Just what is so threating to SO's about crossdressing???? I understand the children, the family the neighbors etc. It is only the SO's reaction that I seek. One sage has stated that is is a cultural thing. Women in "western culture" are taught that it is just not acceptable for men to wear anything feminine but it's Ok for women to wear anything male. If a man wears anything feminine he is (what)? not a man, less of a man, a pervert , Gay, - how is he less of something when in actuality he is more because he has an additional "gift." In India men with "feminine" tendencies are held in very high esteem as being (above average) sense they have the ability to (express) both genders. But in Western society we are to be shunned, ostersized, laughed at, etc. Just too weird!
Sorry for the rant!
Virgina

Kathy, I am sorry for Hayley and I have "been there done that" and she also has all my support I can offer in this forum.

Now I too would like to address your post. The actions that you have described in your post (re things done to appease your husband) is in my opinion not being honest, with yourself or him. It is also not being true to yourself. And it is not taking care of yourself.

Actions do in fact speak much louder than words. And particularly these kind of actions are the cause of time when you boil over.

They also contribute to the misunderstanding that many men have with their wives. As it is sending two different messages.

I am not offended by what you have posted, I just see what I have drawn attention to as being your responsibility.

Love Darlene.

Hayley,

Sorry to hear about your situation-- I'm in my third year since my wife filed for divorce, and a year and a half since it was final. This was the most painful thing I've ever been through, even though it was apparent for years that the relationship had problems, and no willingness on her part to go to counseling, discuss it, work on it, etc.

But, she cheated on me, and used my CDing as proof that she was OK-- she might bee sleeping with the next door neighbor, but at least she didn't cross-dress-- now that's immoral!

Anyway, the insight is that, though she knew of my cross-dressing from soon after we met and long before we were married, she still used it against me when it made her feel better about what she had done.

I obviously don't know if your soon-to-be ex is trying to rationalize something she feels guilty about, but at least it is a possiblity. Of course it is also possible she just wants to hurt you, since she's hurting. Divorce can be ugly. Hang in there.

Grace

Hummm,
AS wives, we do lots of things for our familys and especially for our husbands, some we love doing and others, well maybe not.

Who knows why women ride the rollercoaster when it comes to trying to accept this change into their lives? Sure society comes into play and the way we are brought up. We dream of the man we will someday marry. The lover we will enjoy, and neither of them was wearing a dress or lacy underthings, Hey that was supposed to be ME!
Ok now we find that that man we love and married has the desire to wear our clothes and express his feme side. What a shock, there is probably no wife that will tell you they jumped into the whole thing with open arms and no reservations.
For me I have been in this relationship for about 33 years- since I was 16! I have always thought of my husband as a hunk of a man, well to me anyway. When he told me his whole CD story a year ago, I too spent some time in the shocked stage, but relized I just had too many good things going otherwise in my marriage and could not imagine not spending the rest of my life with him.
He was so crying out for acceptance from me and from himself. Taking it slowly over time we have both come to accept it all for us both. Sure there were some times when I was not so into it- and it took alot of courage for me to tell him-NO, be sure it was just as confusing for me to be fine with it one day and the next some little thing just torked me off. And yes it did hurt his feelings and confused him too, lots of open communication got us through those times.

Relize you have had years and years to come to the place of acceptance you are at now. I did not want to spend years and years, so I fast forward the acceptance levels and push myself, to please him, but you know it works both ways. He worked equally hard to please me too. It takes BOTH of you to make it work.
Talking to other wives, there are just some husbands/BF's who are selfish and only take what they want and leave the wife with nothing in return.
Some wives are just totally put off of all of it, it does take a strong, loving woman to accept these desires in her husband. Also just because your wife shows some acceptance does not mean she accepts it all, nor that you can expect her to.
Some wives in their desire to make the husband happy go way too fast, buying things, shopping with, going out dressed with, helping with makeup, wigs, intamacy- all of it.....They find themselves buried under it and maybe just loose themselves in the process. It all becomes about you and your femm self and leaves the wife wondering where does she fit into it....and she hits the wall running. Stop the train and let me off. Maybe the husband notices and maybe not. Hopefully he does and understands the need to slow way down and maybe start fresh.

Haley, it sounds like your wife tried to get to a point of acceptance, but in the end deceided it was just not the way she wanted to live her life, just like you would not want to deny Haley being part of your life. You just don't know what your getting into untill you live it, give her credit she tried.

The demise of a marriage is a sad thing, and the CD is probably a contributer to it, but probably not the whole reason for it. People in this situation say spiteful mean things. I am sorry this is the way it turned out for you, hopefully there is a wonderful strong woman out there that will accept you for all that you are.

Hugs to all
Honey