In this column, and others, I have read, or heard, of women's reactions upon finding their husbands wearing their panties or dresses, etc. Most of them express thgemselves as "in shock," "in tears," betrayed," and even "jealous." So, this post is aimed primarily at wives and SOs.
I ask, "What's the big deal?" If I were to come home and surprise my wife in my jocky shorts or tuxedo, I wouldn't feel that way. And, I don't think that most men would, whether CD or not. Now, admittedly, I may not find my wife particularly attractive, or appealing, in jocky shorts, BUT SHOCKED?
A local 6:00 news report on TV (that's television) reported that 80% of women admitted to having tried on men's underwear, but only 32% of men admitted to having tried on women's underwear.
If I saw my wife putting on my underwear, I would regard it as either curiosity, or as exploring her sexuality. I would, certainly, NEVER react with rage, indignation, shock, a feeling of betrayal, or a feeling of jealousy.
As a matter of fact, as long as she's not going out with other men, I want her to have sexual feelings, and I want her to explore them. Why should I feel either shocked or jealouse?
Why should a wife feel "shocked" at seeing her husband wearing her clothes? Women wear men's clothes all the time, and think nothing of it. I f told that they wear jeans, which are men's clothes, many women will say, and believe it, "No they aren't. See, they zip on the side (or, in back). They're made for women. They fit our shape." So... Suppose they make a frilly dress with a full skirt and a low neckline specifically to fit the shape of a men? Does that make a dress MEN'S CLOTHING? Certainly not! Dresses are still women's clothing, but some men just like to wear them. As long as it's done it private, WHAT'S SO SHOCKING ABOUT IT? But women do it quite publicly.
"BETRAYED" Betrayed by what?! Is there another woman? No! Is he bringing home venereal diseases? No! Has he shared someone else's conjugal bed? No!
" JEALOUSE" WHY?! Is their another woman? No! Has he suddenly become female? No! Is he sharing his bed with someone else? No! As a matter of fact, he probably wishes, more than anything else in the world, that you would be as sexually aroused at the sight of him in those pretty clothes, as he is.
He wishes, more than anything else, that upon seeing him in such lovely sexy lingerie (or, whatever), you would throw yourself in his arms and shower hime with kisses, allowing your hands to caress him and wander all over him, the very same way that he would if you were in the sam clothes. He knows, deep inside, of course, that that's not the way it's going to be.
Because of this, he also feels utterly shocked and betrayed BY YOU, when you burst into tears and recriminations, and when you display utter contempt and revulsion for him, when in is his own mind, he is just being pretty, sexy, and adorable, which he admires so much in you.
All of these hysterical reactions are just that... hysterical reactions based on nothing whatever!
Naturally, you don't want the neighbors or the children to see him dressed that way (since it's socially disapproved of). Naturally, you want his assurances that he's not turning queer. And naturally, you want to know that he's not contemplating a sex change operation. But, as long as it's just between the two of you (or, perhaps a few others who are into the same thing), then what difference does it really make.
He may be no more appealling to you in a dress or negligee, than you are to him in jocky shorts or a tuxedo, but other than that, what's the harm?
Actually, some women have reported that they find intimacy with their husbands, while he's dressed en femmej, to be very sexy and "naughty," a real turn-on. One lady said, "I always thought I would be turned-off by the sight of a man wearing lingerie, but I found that I was actually turned-ON by it. Mind you, it was a mild turn-on, but a turn-on, non the less.
Could some of you ladies and SOs, after reading this and giving it some deep thought, react to it and express your thoughts on the subject? I really would like to know, WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG DEAL?!
What's the Big Deal?
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Beauty
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GalicianGirl(SO)
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Hysterical reaction…I don’t think so!!! A big deal….Yes!!! I’m really sorry but I don’t know where you get off saying that we don’t have the right to be shocked or betrayed. It appears to me that by your post you have no idea where many of us SO’s are coming from.
When I first found out about Shannon, yes I felt shocked, betrayed and angry. This was a part of him he never bothered to mention to me until after 11 years of marriage. I knew nothing about CDing. I don’t think I had ever heard of the term before. So how do you think I should react when I find out years down the road my husband gets turned on by wearing womens clothing. Then I find out he’s been doing this behind my back through our entire relationship and could never find it in himself to actually take the time to confide in me. I felt our marriage was one big lie!!! Then you start to wonder if there is something lacking on your part that makes him want to dress. You start to feel that he gets more turned on by himself then he does by you. You wonder if he wants to become a woman and that this is the end of our marriage. A million and one thoughts just keep running through your head…
And it isn’t only the clothing, that’s just one part of it…Then we get to be shocked by the make-up, wigs and breastforms. When I said “I do”, it wasn’t to someone wearing a mini skirt, 6” heels and boobs.
It wasn’t till years later that I could come to grips with Shannon’s CDing and it was only through learning more about it and starting this forum that got me through all of it. I am accepting of Shannon because I understand that CDing is just a part of him that I can not or would not want to take away. But this understanding and acceptance took a long time.
So why don’t you just try for one minute to put yourself in our shoes!!! We have to do this with our CDing partners everyday!!!! You would not expect any less from us!!!
Sharon(SO)
When I first found out about Shannon, yes I felt shocked, betrayed and angry. This was a part of him he never bothered to mention to me until after 11 years of marriage. I knew nothing about CDing. I don’t think I had ever heard of the term before. So how do you think I should react when I find out years down the road my husband gets turned on by wearing womens clothing. Then I find out he’s been doing this behind my back through our entire relationship and could never find it in himself to actually take the time to confide in me. I felt our marriage was one big lie!!! Then you start to wonder if there is something lacking on your part that makes him want to dress. You start to feel that he gets more turned on by himself then he does by you. You wonder if he wants to become a woman and that this is the end of our marriage. A million and one thoughts just keep running through your head…
And it isn’t only the clothing, that’s just one part of it…Then we get to be shocked by the make-up, wigs and breastforms. When I said “I do”, it wasn’t to someone wearing a mini skirt, 6” heels and boobs.
It wasn’t till years later that I could come to grips with Shannon’s CDing and it was only through learning more about it and starting this forum that got me through all of it. I am accepting of Shannon because I understand that CDing is just a part of him that I can not or would not want to take away. But this understanding and acceptance took a long time.
So why don’t you just try for one minute to put yourself in our shoes!!! We have to do this with our CDing partners everyday!!!! You would not expect any less from us!!!
Sharon(SO)
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Honey(SO)
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Ok, Jean I am going to stir the pot up abit here. Your post sound very angry in your post. I am wondering are you married and if so is she accepting?
I have to agree with Sharon and Love here. Why should'nt we feel some resentment or feel hurt because our husband did not choose to tell us about this?
Personally I do understand why he did not tell me untill 30 years of mariage- Now. It took alot for BOTH of us to come to understand it all.
And we all know it is not just about the clothing and dressing.
If your wife said Ok now I am going to wear all mens clothing, wear an artifical penis, bind her breasts, shave off her hair, wear a mushashe, maybe take some 'supplements' to build up her muscles, expect you to be intimate with 'him'. Would you not be a bit confused and wonder why and where do you fit into all of it?
Now that being said, I am a very accepting wife, I do enjoy my husbands fem side. It is always there, was always there. My eyes have just been opened to see it. it is a journey we take together. No matter how much my acceptance is I still prefer to take most of the journey with the MAN I married
Honey (SO)
I have to agree with Sharon and Love here. Why should'nt we feel some resentment or feel hurt because our husband did not choose to tell us about this?
Personally I do understand why he did not tell me untill 30 years of mariage- Now. It took alot for BOTH of us to come to understand it all.
And we all know it is not just about the clothing and dressing.
If your wife said Ok now I am going to wear all mens clothing, wear an artifical penis, bind her breasts, shave off her hair, wear a mushashe, maybe take some 'supplements' to build up her muscles, expect you to be intimate with 'him'. Would you not be a bit confused and wonder why and where do you fit into all of it?
Now that being said, I am a very accepting wife, I do enjoy my husbands fem side. It is always there, was always there. My eyes have just been opened to see it. it is a journey we take together. No matter how much my acceptance is I still prefer to take most of the journey with the MAN I married
Honey (SO)
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Terri(SO)
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Well Jean, seems you've gotten an earfull. Do you understand yet that its not just about trying on women's panties, its really about how CDs want to "present" as females. That, after a dozen years of marriage, is a shock to the women who had no clue when they said "I do".
I found out early in my relationship. I accept that Maria feels this need to look like a female but I don't understand it. The only way we find a compromise is that I have to have his male presentation in the bedroom too. When he realized he was being accepted and he could fulfill this fantacy he went hog wild and wanted to be Maria all the time in the bedroom. No. I am not a lesbian and I am attracted to HIM.
About the jealousy. Yes there is another woman. There are three people in the room when you are dressed and with your wife/girlfriend. That woman is your ideal and is often very different from who is standing next to you. You know, the one with the flaws? The one you see in the mirror is the one you pamper and buys gifts for. It's possible but unlikely that you do the same for the woman standing by to watch and wait for her man to reappear.
I consider myself lucky. I was not shocked because I am relatively openminded and we talked about alot of gender issues before he broached the idea of him trying on my things. But I certainly can sympathize with those women who had CDing dropped on them like a bomb after many years of the deep dark secret being kept from them.
I found out early in my relationship. I accept that Maria feels this need to look like a female but I don't understand it. The only way we find a compromise is that I have to have his male presentation in the bedroom too. When he realized he was being accepted and he could fulfill this fantacy he went hog wild and wanted to be Maria all the time in the bedroom. No. I am not a lesbian and I am attracted to HIM.
About the jealousy. Yes there is another woman. There are three people in the room when you are dressed and with your wife/girlfriend. That woman is your ideal and is often very different from who is standing next to you. You know, the one with the flaws? The one you see in the mirror is the one you pamper and buys gifts for. It's possible but unlikely that you do the same for the woman standing by to watch and wait for her man to reappear.
I consider myself lucky. I was not shocked because I am relatively openminded and we talked about alot of gender issues before he broached the idea of him trying on my things. But I certainly can sympathize with those women who had CDing dropped on them like a bomb after many years of the deep dark secret being kept from them.
Love is a verb. It's a doing thing. No action, no love! - Terri
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Kay(SO)
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I'll try to respond to this step by step from my own personal experience and feelings.
1.) I wasn't shocked because I was fortunate enough to have been told. I was however shocked upon seeing my man fully dressed in one of my dresses, a long wig, make up, stockings, fm pumps, fake boobs, looking like a hooker the first time I saw him dressed. Not quite what I expected for a man his age. More like I expected Tootsie or Mrs. Doubtfire.
2.) I have worn my husband's little boy underwear (the white cotton ones) but the difference if the motivation behind wearing them. That means everything when you're an SO of a CD'r. I know my husband is wearing them to "get off" or get whatever kind of euphoria, comfort, relief, etc... I merely wore his because I didn't have any clean ones. And sometimes the fact that he is getting off on clothing rather than me makes me feel a little insecure or jealous. Yes of the garments.
3.) The shock comes from what we may be used to. I'm not necessarily used to seeing my husband in women's attire. Let alone mine. Especially if he's wearing them without asking me. Whether anyone likes it or not it goes against the norms of society, at least the one I live in.
4.) Betrayal from not being told a long time ago and allowing a partner to make an informed decision. Is there another woman? You bet your butt, at least in the minds or perspective of an SO.
5.) Jealous of the other woman? You bet. I know for myself I have often felt like "she" takes my husband away from me. She's actually quite a selfish little wench who interferes in our relationship all the time and I'd like to punch her in the nose. I also have felt threatened by the possibilities that could lie ahead. My irrational brain refuses to accept that this is it and that he won't someday want more. It already seems like the more I give and support, the more he wants and the farther he wants to take things. Jealous of the time he spends with her? The money, love, kindness, gentleness. Yep, yep and yep.
6.) I do not want to throw myself into his arms and kiss his sticky lipstick covered lips when he's dressed. For me there is no thrill or attraction. For me it's like, "oh well..." Do I do it anyway so that he can experience feelings, love and support from me? Yep. I do it not out of feeling turned on but out of feeling the love in my heart.
7.) Key phrase here:
And finally, WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG DEAL?!
Well, let me put it this way. It is more than just clothes and anyone who denies that is full of it.
That's why it's such a big deal. It makes us question our own femininity, our very core of our belief systems and beings. It brings a dynamic into our relationships that we sometimes have difficulty wrapping our minds around. We don't always see this as a "gift" or additive to our relationships and it has put us on the tallest, fastest, unpredictable emotional roller coaster ride imaginable. And it's moot whether we chose to get on it or not. It's still the same ride. I'm just glad that I'm strapped in a wearing a helmet! Hopefully some of you now have a better understanding of at least why some SO's may think it's such a big deal. Thanks and hugs,
Kay(SO)
1.) I wasn't shocked because I was fortunate enough to have been told. I was however shocked upon seeing my man fully dressed in one of my dresses, a long wig, make up, stockings, fm pumps, fake boobs, looking like a hooker the first time I saw him dressed. Not quite what I expected for a man his age. More like I expected Tootsie or Mrs. Doubtfire.
2.) I have worn my husband's little boy underwear (the white cotton ones) but the difference if the motivation behind wearing them. That means everything when you're an SO of a CD'r. I know my husband is wearing them to "get off" or get whatever kind of euphoria, comfort, relief, etc... I merely wore his because I didn't have any clean ones. And sometimes the fact that he is getting off on clothing rather than me makes me feel a little insecure or jealous. Yes of the garments.
3.) The shock comes from what we may be used to. I'm not necessarily used to seeing my husband in women's attire. Let alone mine. Especially if he's wearing them without asking me. Whether anyone likes it or not it goes against the norms of society, at least the one I live in.
4.) Betrayal from not being told a long time ago and allowing a partner to make an informed decision. Is there another woman? You bet your butt, at least in the minds or perspective of an SO.
5.) Jealous of the other woman? You bet. I know for myself I have often felt like "she" takes my husband away from me. She's actually quite a selfish little wench who interferes in our relationship all the time and I'd like to punch her in the nose. I also have felt threatened by the possibilities that could lie ahead. My irrational brain refuses to accept that this is it and that he won't someday want more. It already seems like the more I give and support, the more he wants and the farther he wants to take things. Jealous of the time he spends with her? The money, love, kindness, gentleness. Yep, yep and yep.
6.) I do not want to throw myself into his arms and kiss his sticky lipstick covered lips when he's dressed. For me there is no thrill or attraction. For me it's like, "oh well..." Do I do it anyway so that he can experience feelings, love and support from me? Yep. I do it not out of feeling turned on but out of feeling the love in my heart.
7.) Key phrase here:
We don't see you how YOU see you. Sorry.when in is his own mind
Absolutely NOT true. They are based on all of the above and more. They are based on our emotions and believe me, they are not NOTHING.All of these hysterical reactions are just that... hysterical reactions based on nothing whatever!
And finally, WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG DEAL?!
Well, let me put it this way. It is more than just clothes and anyone who denies that is full of it.
That's why it's such a big deal. It makes us question our own femininity, our very core of our belief systems and beings. It brings a dynamic into our relationships that we sometimes have difficulty wrapping our minds around. We don't always see this as a "gift" or additive to our relationships and it has put us on the tallest, fastest, unpredictable emotional roller coaster ride imaginable. And it's moot whether we chose to get on it or not. It's still the same ride. I'm just glad that I'm strapped in a wearing a helmet! Hopefully some of you now have a better understanding of at least why some SO's may think it's such a big deal. Thanks and hugs,Kay(SO)
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Mrs. Missy(SO)
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Hi Jean,
It's been a little over a year since I found out my husband liked to dress in women's clothing. It was very early on that I came to the realization that he wasn't any different from the man I married -- so I said to myself, "What's the big deal?"
Society has programmed us to see certain things as normal or abnormal. This influenced my thoughts alot in the initial stages of discovering the new world of CDers. Through this new journey that Missy and I have been on, I can see that even his very scientific mind can't understand why he feels as he does about CDing. To the outside world, he is 100% "normal", and admired by literally hundreds of friends and acquaintances. I fully accept his need to crossdress. I will always stand by his side and unconditionally accept every aspect of him, whether he is wearing heels and hose or his grungy male clothes.
Hugs to you!
Mrs. Missy(SO)
It's been a little over a year since I found out my husband liked to dress in women's clothing. It was very early on that I came to the realization that he wasn't any different from the man I married -- so I said to myself, "What's the big deal?"
Society has programmed us to see certain things as normal or abnormal. This influenced my thoughts alot in the initial stages of discovering the new world of CDers. Through this new journey that Missy and I have been on, I can see that even his very scientific mind can't understand why he feels as he does about CDing. To the outside world, he is 100% "normal", and admired by literally hundreds of friends and acquaintances. I fully accept his need to crossdress. I will always stand by his side and unconditionally accept every aspect of him, whether he is wearing heels and hose or his grungy male clothes.
Hugs to you!
Mrs. Missy(SO)