If it's no big deal, then why didn't we tell sooner?

[Sally]

This is directed at those of us who didn't tell our wives about 'our secret' before we got married.

If it's no big deal then why didn't we tell them before we married them?

Obviously for those who did tell before any commitment was made then it isn't such a big deal.

Well, I never told my wife mainly for two reasons. Firstly, I hoped it would all change and go away after I got married and secondly, knowing her as the person she was, her family upbringing and her background I believed she would never accept who or what I was and what I did, and I guess in my own selfish way, I wanted her to stay with me, whatever it took.

I was 100% wrong on both accounts, although for a time after we married I went through a period where the intensity was very much less, but it was always just ' sitting under the surface' and later when things became so bad for me, I told her the whole truth, after seeking advice and help from some of my peers. Even though it took about a year, she came to accept it more and more over time to where she was able to give me more support than I ever expected her to. We've had others stay at our house for weekends and she's found the interaction with them very educational and enjoyable. She encouraged me to take a greater role in TG supporting groups, political lobbying etc. We shop together and she's come to accept Sally as a part of our everyday life. Her main fears over the last few years have been with my transition and the eventual outcome on our lives and that of our families it would have, but all that has stabalised now that I've been able to accept that if I completed my transition, what I'd lose would far outweigh what I'd gain, so for some time now I've remained stationary. What I do stress though is that every day I take pains to let her see that she is the most important person in my life, and I let her see that every day of our life. Even the little things mean so much, it can be just a hug for no reason at all, or just a touch on the arm or a smile as we pass, they all mean so much without a word being said.

It may not seem a big deal to those of us who have lived with it all our life as we don't know anything different, but to a wife who goes into a marriage not knowing then I fail to see how it can't be a big deal. Finding out after the marriage that there is another side to her husband which she wasn't aware of beforehand would come as quite a shock, as it has the propensity to throw their whole life into turmoil. I think it's fair and reasonable to say that a man dressing as a woman is not on average what a woman is looking for when she chooses a husband. I think it's also fair and reasonable to say that most women grow up with little or no knowledge of Crossdressing or other gender conflicts, they are subjects which are not widely or openly brought up in general day to day discussions.

I've heard so many husbands say over the years, " I'm still the person she always knew, it's only that now she knows more about me, why can't she accept it?" But if we didn't tell her before any commitments were made, then we certainly aren't the person she knew when she made her decision to marry us, it opens up another whole side to our personality and it's easy to see that it is a big deal for her. It's no different to us making a decision to buy a house and after entering into the buy contract finding out that the house is on land which has been zoned commercial not residential, or us signing up to buy a new car and after entering the buy contract we find out the car doesn't have the features we wanted when we signed contract. The goal posts have now been moved, what we signed up for is completely different to what we got and boy o boy, wouldn't we jump up and down in a frenzy then.

In my travels attending various events, something I've discussed with many wives and SO's is if they think they would have still married their hubby or entered a live in arrangement with them if they'd known about their crossdressing or gender conflicts right from the start.
The most popular answer is that knowing their man as they do now they most likely would have, but plenty of women have said that if they'd known right from the start before they fell in love and became involved to the stage where they were making commitments, then in all liklihood they would have moved on, it would have all been too big a deal for them, too hard to handle, as it wasn't what they were looking for in a potential mate or husband and the complications it could cause with family and friends would just have been too hard.

So, for those of us who never told our good lady before the commitments were made, what WAS the honest reason for not telling her sooner or those who still haven't told her, then why not?

Kind Regards to all.

Sally.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Sally,

The honest reason I did not tell was two fold. First, my desire to crossdress had completely subsided. And second this made me feel like my desire to be a girl was just an adolecent phase I went through. Since my desire had never subsided before. I honestly beleived I would never dress in girls clothes again.

That was the reason.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

There is a similar thread at:

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=3821