Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi all,
Well, as the headline stated...
I caught my son two nights ago. Around midnight, I was restless and couldn't sleep. My son's room is next to mine and I heard several noises coming from there. Now it's midnight on a school night and he should be asleep. So I did what any parent would do; I went to scold him for being up so late. I opened the door and stood there stunned for a moment. He was dressed in his sister's bra and panties and was "stuffing" his bra as I entered.
I think he had a heart attack. He stood there staring at me. Of course, I was very tired and didn't know what to say. I sighed and walked in. I sat down on the edge of his bed and we talked.
I talked about how late it was. I talked about taking things that aren't his without permission. He just sat there with his head down. I finished by telling him "I don't mind you doing this, son. But not on a school night! AND stop taking your sister's clothes."
Then I got up and kissed him goodnight and went back to my bedroom. The whole thing took less than 5 minutes.

I spoke to Amber about it and she thinks that he's too embarrassed to ask for things of his own, hence taking his sister's things. I am inclined to agree. We both have talked to him about his behavior and I just don't understand why he won't come ask for something. We've never yelled at him or tried to stop him from CDing, but I just don't know why he won't confide in us.

Any thoughts?

Sidenote: He, nor his sister, know of Kyra. His maturity level is getting better and when I think he's ready, I'll tell him. At present, though, I don't think he's ready.

Hugs to everyone,
Kyra

Hi Krya,

You handled it wonderfully.

How old is he?

Gracie

Hi Kyra,

with Gracie.


I am not a parent, but may I offer my view?

I think he's too embarassed to bring himself to ask for girl clothing of his own.

I also don't know how old his sister is, or if she knows he is "borrowing" her things.

Amber should be the one to approach him. I am assuming that this would be easier coming from Mom, especially when Kyra is still a secret to him.

I think the talk should be along the lines of what you said (darned good, especially for being half awake), with some additions.

I don't think you would like your sister taking your things without asking. If you don't want to ask your sister to borrow her clothes, you can ask me to get you girls clothing of your own, but you will have to tell me what you would like.

After I get them for you, they are only for wearing in your room (or around the home, if you decide and circumstances permit), because although your father and I understand and don't object, a lot of people are not as understanding.

Since I don't know about sister's age/maturity level/schedule I'm not going to make any suggestions, because the parents should know best.

Since Halloween is coming, if your family observes it and the children wear costumes, Amber could ask him if he would like to dress as a female character.


These are just my thoughts and I hope you may find something constructive in them.

Jadeanne

Thank you both.
Wow, Jadeanne, those are really good points. Thanks so much for the input.
After considerable time spent thinking about what I should do next, I tend to agree. He does seem to open up a bit more to Amber than he does to me.
His sister is two years older than he, and she has found her clothes in his room before. She thought that they were placed there by mistake. (Yes, I do laundry sometimes...and have been known to put things in the wrong place occasionally )
We're (Amber and I) trying to not make a big deal of this. So we're not constantly talking to him about it. But I am trying to prepare him for what society thinks of the TG community, both the good and the bad.

As more unfolds, I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again,
Hugs,
Kyra

Hi all,

Wow. Kyra. I knew that you and Amber both strongly suspected. Now, I guess the cat's out of the bag.

Here are a few of my thoughts (unfortunately, no real suggestions--I'm not a parent either). Like most crossdressers (possibly even you, too, Kyra), it may be the case that the lad--if, truly, he is a CD--is much more comfortable with the female members of his family than with the male ones... uh, that would be you, Kyra. Regardless of family ties, it's just harder for a "dude" to fess up to another dude that he likes to dress in women's clothing than it is to fess up to a gal. I suspect this is true regardless of how compassionate, understanding, and even "accommodating" that person is (be he a father, a brother, a friend). So your son's shyness is, to me, not at all surprising.

Another thing: age. Aside from the obvious issue of the awakening of his sexuality, he's coming at that age where awareness of difference will play a major role in his life. He gets his (gender-appropriate or -inappropriate) cues more from his school friends now than he does from his family. The beast, "society," which (for the first few years of his life) consisted mainly of his family, now finds its greatest expression (or rears its ugly head, so to speak) in the form of his circle of friends and classmates. However much you and Amber (and even his sister) may be both tolerant and understanding regarding his proclivities, his peers won't be (and probably aren't) as forgiving. In high school, you either "belong" or you don't. It's a world of cliques. And transgender cliques, as far as I know, are still not that common (that is, if they exist at all). Chances are, the shame attached to his being made to feel like an "outsider" (if such is his case) prevents him from opening up about this.

My only suggestion: do not let him go on feeling like he's an outsider, defective or immoral in some way. While it may be a good thing to remind him not to take or use what doesn't belong to him, it's also important that he be made to understand that who he is, how he feels, and what he does, is nothing new, nothing shocking, nothing to be ashamed of. He has to see that his identity--gender-variant or not--has its mirrors, out there in the world. He's not inventing the wheel. And he's not alone.

I think you handled it well, that night in his room, Kyra. Hats off to you. Now, that next step perhaps needs to be taken. No, not by admonishing him for wearing his sister's or his mother's clothes (heh, or yours, for that matter!) nor simply by just revealing to him the existence of "Kyra" (something that may not be particularly useful or helpful at this point) but, rather, by confronting him directly--but gently and compassionately--about his dressing up like a girl. What does it mean to him? Why does he do it? Let him know also that you will not condemn him for it. Far from it. Only in this way, I think, will you ever be able to move on to discussions regarding what possibly awaits gender-variant folks out there, in the world at large (and don't make that scary... just make it true).

I think the fact that you and Amber won't be able to discuss his behaviour without also talking about sex might make things a bit more difficult--probably more so for you and Amber than for him. Heh, I don't want to lump you in with all those hoary stereotypes, Kyra, but parents--even today--are notoriously bad at freeing themselves from a shame-induced inability to discuss the birds and the bees with their children (who, often, are more knowledgeable about the subject than parents realize). Maybe, just maybe, it's not so much the dressing up that shames your son as it is that he does it for a newfound sexual gratification. Hey, we've all been there.

You have a "window of opportunity" here to let him know--unequivocally--that the world is a better place, and that you and Amber are better people, for his being in the world and for his being the person he is... genderplay (or gender variance) and all. Once that window closes (because it does, eventually), the likelihood increases that he heads for a life of psychological and emotional turmoil, that he becomes an angry and bitter young man. Hey, we've all been there, too.

Anyway, Kyra, these are just some of my own observations and thoughts on the matter. I'm not a parent. I'm not a child psychologist. I'm not a therapist. But I am a crossdresser. I've been where your son is now. And so have you. This will be your greatest strength and asset in helping him become the person he's meant to be.

Hugs to the entire family.

Love,
CJ

CJ, you never cease to amaze me! Thank you so much for the inspiration.


Hugs,
Kyra

Sorry to bump this old thread, Krya, but do you truly know that your son doesn't know about you? It may not even make any difference, but then again, it may.

I have a memory, vague but still persistant, of seeing my father in a pair of pink babydoll pajamas. I don't even know if this memory is real, or if I am just making it up, but I would tend to believe that it is a true memory. I can't put an age on when I saw this, as I said it is a very vague memory, yet I can still picture it in my mind to this day.

Is this what made me the way I am today? I can't say that, either. Nature or nurture, who knows? I do know that, for various reasons, I never had a chance to talk to him about my crossdressing desires and that was always a big wall between us, although I loved him dearly. We both lost out in the end, I think.

And other than that one memory (and I still can't say for certain it is even real), I have no memories that would make me think he was a crossdresser; I just know that we were never as close as I wanted.

Now, if this even happened, I was much younger than 16, but it may be that your son, even if subconsciously, is merely trying to be more like you, a father he loves.

Hi Kyra,
I too think you handled the situation very well, maybe it's just a growing up thing boys have about sisters stuff she wears and I don't.
My mother knew and caugh me red handed one day, no yelling or putting me down. She gave me a blue skirt and plain white blouse and said you can wear and keep these but don't ever wear my cloths again. Now I didn't have a sister or brother so that made a difference in my case. I know you and Amber will handle it the proper way. Carol Ann