Are we insane?

[Absaroka]

Even things like calculus and chemistry don't have answers all the time. Or have they finally figured out the exact value of pi?

Andrea

[Maria]

I would go insane if I tried to find the exact value of pi. It seems quite irrational to find the rationality of an irrational number.

I prefer apple and pumpkin pie instead!

Maria

[Kyra]

I really am living this dream life. I don't know how long it will last. Some people say it is impossible to find meaningful employment as a transgenedered person, but others say you can. I will make every effort to get educated and rejoin the workforce. I will do so en femme if there is any way possible. And if not, I will have enjoyed living as my true self, insane or not, for as long as I possibly could.

Hi Elizabeth,
I was going to agree with CJ and the others who said we MUST be crazy, but this particular paragraph kept resurfacing in my mind. After much thought, I can only interject that this is not the workings of an insane mind.

Sorry GF, you must be normal.

It's the rest of society that has lost its marbles.

Hugs,
Kyra

[Elinor]

A man has the right to be feminine too, there is nothing wrong in being in touch with your feminine side and if a guy wishes to allow his femininity to grow and he desires to wear a skirt or dress he should do so.
Being a Janegirl is not a curse its a blessing a gift to enjoy and have fun with.
Clothes have no gender if it feels right and it feels good then enjoy it, it is your only life and its short, so I think one should live life to the full wearing high heels a wig and a dress is hardly the worst thing a man can do.
Its normal for a guy to love feminine things too.

Being in touch with ones femininity and allowing the woman within freedom to express herself is a good thing. Trying to stop her from living too is a bad idea as it will lead any man to madness.
By allowing himself to be feminine once in a while will keep him sane.
If the female part is strong then enjoy the ride its fun.
And its normal whatever that is.
Yes we are all sane because we crossress
We may go mad if denied our femininity to life and allowing our feminine side to grow.

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Trying to stop her from living too is a bad idea as it will lead any man to madness.

I can for certain say that some of my most emotionally upsetting moments have been directly after a purge and trying to get used to the idea of not underdressing. After my last purge, I was so upset I could not concentrate at work. I was afraid I would end up getting hurt or hurting someone else and had to go home. I told my ex-wife that I was not going to be able to keep my commitment not to underdress and if that was unacceptble she would just have to divorce me.

That was 5 years before my divorce. It is interesting that it was "not dressing" that caused me the distress and inablitly to function at work and dressing which restored my ability to function. Does this mean I am only insane when I am deprived of the ability to dress in women's clothes? Very interesting. It would be nice if some of our members who are trained in or work in the fields of counseling and therapy were to shed some light on this?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

It is interesting that it was "not dressing" that caused me the distress and inablitly to function at work and dressing which restored my ability to function. Does this mean I am only insane when I am deprived of the ability to dress in women's clothes? Very interesting. It would be nice if some of our members who are trained in or work in the fields of counseling and therapy were to shed some light on this?

I reckon that is one of the reasons for the term GID. Which means you aren't alone Elizabeth.

[Absaroka]

CJ you have obviously thought about this a lot and know yourself best but I keep wondering if it was the lack of underdressing or the loss of autonomy (your ability to freely decide what to wear, given that even when we think we have freely decided to purge it is often in response to a lot of internal baggage in ourselves or others and thus at some level very grudgingly or sadly done) that caused such stress? Was it a question of redefining yourself at some level that was not really right? Not trying to tell you what you feel but curious.

Andrea

[Stephanie H]

I feel that we are not insane only seeking a better definition of ourselves. We define ourselves differently at various stages of our life. As small boys, we dreamed of being a policeman, fireman etc. We defined ourselves as a hero to others. As we grew, definitions changed, to what role do we want to have in life, male, wife, children, successful career. As we achieved these milestones in life, we again opened up our minds to evaluate the self. Who are we, what do we want in life, how do we want to live it etc. It is at this time, when we have achieved our significant goals, that we address the self and are wanting to develop our true selves. This trueself has been suppressed for many years. This trueself needs to become comfortable with the external self. This trueself needs to grow, be nurtured and to develop.
This is how I feel and this is the journey that I am on. The nurturing of the true self, and development of this personality, the sharing of this personality.
We, those of us who are pre-internet know, we always felt defferent. We participated in life differently than others. We did not have the ability to communicate with others like ourselves. We shared our emotions with our signifincat others. We had a level of compassion that others did not have. We enjoyed shopping with of SO, we enjoyed helping our SO in the kitchen, we cleaned the house, dusted vacuumed, picked up after ourselves. They did not understand, we did not understand why we were comfortable with this desire, feeling to be considerated,, but now, we are learning and begining to understand these feelings and and hopefully, we will be able to share this with our SO and others in general.
No we are not insane, we are on a continual journey for self definition and understanding.

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

We, those of us who are pre-internet know, we always felt defferent. We participated in life differently than others. We did not have the ability to communicate with others like ourselves. We shared our emotions with our signifincat others. We had a level of compassion that others did not have. We enjoyed shopping with of SO, we enjoyed helping our SO in the kitchen, we cleaned the house, dusted vacuumed, picked up after ourselves. They did not understand, we did not understand why we were comfortable with this desire, feeling to be considerated,, but now, we are learning and begining to understand these feelings and and hopefully, we will be able to share this with our SO and others in general.

Stephanie H,

I think there are many who feel like this. I know I did. I wondered for years if my true self would ever be realized. For most of my life, it seemed like an impossibility. So being domestic was one way to express my feminine self, that is socially permissable.

I keep wondering if it was the lack of underdressing or the loss of autonomy (your ability to freely decide what to wear, given that even when we think we have freely decided to purge it is often in response to a lot of internal baggage in ourselves or others and thus at some level very grudgingly or sadly done) that caused such stress?

Andrea,

This is a good point, but I am certain it was the clothes themselves. I had been wearing them with my ex-wife's knowledge for over 4 years at the time and had become used to wearing them daily. Prior to this time I would wear them discreetly, but could still sucessfully stop for periods of time lasting as long as six months. This was different. I mean, I can not say with certainty, that it was not having the decision taken away from me, that was the problem, but it seemed like it was the need to wear the clothing.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Hi all,

Elizabeth,

As Donna says, there's a reason it's called "Dysphoria" (literally, "lack or absence of 'bearing'--i.e., of joy or happiness"). And there's a reason "connecting" to your deep self (for example, through some of the activities and processes listed below, all taken from the 6th edition of the Benjamin Standards of Care) produces its opposite, "Euphoria" (again, literally, "good 'bearing'--a feeling of joy or happiness"). Every time you hear a person say that crossdressing is a great tension-reliever, this is precisely what they're referring to; however temporarily, they're turning "bad bearing" into joy. And euphoria is definitely a most powerful drug; the brain gets flooded with serotonin and other neurotransmitters that give the "owner" of that brain a most natural and healthy "high." Religious mystics seek it; athletes seek it; artists seek it; we seek it, too. And it's much too absent from most people's lives.

A little aside on how the brain works just to make it clear. Neurotransmitters are the chemical "carriers" whose job it is to transmit the impulse from one brain cell to another by bridging the (incredibly tiny) gap between them in a constant back and forth motion. They're like ferrymen, if you will. On the "departure shore," the ferryman is given a set of, say, message-containing bottles in various sizes, told to ferry those bottles across to the other, "arrival," shore and to insert the bottles into the appropriately sized slots he'll find there. In this way, an impulse travels from nerve cell to nerve cell. But it doesn't stop there. Usually, the ferryman still has a few bottles left in his hands once he's filled all the available slots on the "arrival shore," so he turns around (the "arrival shore" thus becoming the new "departure shore") and heads back across the gap carrying with him the few remaining bottles and, upon arrival, slides them back in whatever appropriately sized slots he can find there. Of course, he then turns around again, taking a fresh load of bottles with him across the gap.

A "high"--a sense of euphoria--is the result of, first, the addition of many more ferrymen to do the job; second, the addition of many, many more bottles on each leg of the trip; third, the addition of many, many more slots being made available for the delivery and return of bottles. In other words, this whole neurochemical "import-export" service between brain cells becomes supercharged. This can happen for several reasons. Drugs, for example. Amphetamines, opioids (such as cocaine), or even caffeine, do just that. They add a whole bunch of ferrymen to the task, tell them to carry many more bottles than they otherwise would, and open up a whole slew of new slots on both shores. It can also happen naturally, the best examples being the loss of equilibrium in the brain that sends a person suffering from a bipolar disorder into a manic phase or the loss of equilibrium that's triggered by the stimulation of the pleasure centers of the brain (this has its hormonal counterpart in the [over]production of adrenaline so common in various extreme psychological and emotional states, from bliss to fear). Anti-depressants, for instance, work the same way. They goad ferrymen that have become too few, too lazy, and who don't carry enough bottles on each trip, to do better. The more popular ones, called SSRI's (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors) do this by "tricking" a ferryman into believing that there just aren't as many available slots on the original "departure" shore for him to put the few remaining bottles he has with him on his return trip. SSRI's "plug" those slots with "look-alike" bottles so that, when the ferryman again leaves that shore (with a fresh load of bottles), he also has to carry back those few remaining ones from his previous trip and work a little more aggressively, upon his arrival at the original "arrival" shore, at finding slots for all his bottles.

By the way, central nervous system (CNS) depressants do the opposite. Marijuana and alcohol, for example, tell the ferrymen, "Hey! Slow down, boys! Ain't no hurry. And why you want to go carryin' so many bottles? Here, lemme take a load off." Thus, the brain becomes sluggish. Depression can be a natural instance of this kind of loss of equilibrium.

What does all this have to do with the activity of crossdressing? Well, for various psychological or emotional reasons (many of which I suspect have to do more with our earliest psychosexual development than with our genetic or hormonal predispositions), identifying ourselves (to a greater or lesser extent) with members of the opposite sex--and, especially, expressing this identification--produces exactly the kind of stimulation of the pleasure centers in our brain that revs up production and transport of serotonin. We become high. Not high on clothing. That's just a sensuousness, a tactility, that's explicitly connected to the physicality of sexual pleasure. But high on having our deepest emotional and psychological needs--again, identification with the opposite sex--reflected in the real, tangible, world around us; this is a world that includes, amongst other things, mirrors, photographs, and other people, that have the ability to send back to us an "image" of that emotional or psychological "match" or "completion" that occurs when we dress en femme.

Have you ever wondered why it feels like maybe there's something missing when you get "all dressed up" but have "no place to go"? It's because, unless you have access to either a mirror or a camera or (preferably) another person, you have no way of securing for yourself a deep confirmation that this crucial and pivotal emotional need--again: the need to identify with members of the opposite sex--has been met. Oh, to be sure, you can see your own hands with their beautifully painted nails, holding a glass of wine, and your own nylon-encased thighs sliding beneath the hem of your skirt and your own scarlet toes poking through open-toed heels and the stray strands of your wig lying across your shoulder and smell the makeup and perfume that fills your nostrils but... but these sights and smells and rustling sounds are not you--they're parts of you. You more firmly become "you" when the "I" that you are is in relation to another "I" that can say, for instance, "Wow! Look at you!" or "Hey! There you are!" This is what gives the high. This is what floods the brain with serotonin. Knowing--through that confirmation, through that validation--that your deepest psychological and emotional needs have, indeed, been met. Notice, by the way, that this also works for someone who says, for instance, that he has no need to please anyone but God. God, in this instance, becomes that other "I" that looks upon you and smiles; the only difference is that the "confirmation" and "validation" of your having successfully met your needs happens within your own heart and mind, rather than before a mirror, or as a result of your relationships with other people. One way is not better than the other. They're all valid paths in our struggle to become, our struggle to find ways to have our deepest needs met.

Now. What was the question again? Oh, yeah. "Are we insane?" This is the official line in the mental health field: We're only insane, as Andrea mentioned above, when we represent a real and immediate danger (usually construed as being physical danger) to either ourselves or to other people. You can work out the conclusions for yourselves.

I'll say this much; I'd be crazy to not at least try to express my beautiful uniqueness in a culture that says it values human diversity; I'd be crazy to not think there's a direct correlation between my being prevented from expressing myself and my becoming a real and immediate danger to myself; in other words, I'd be crazy not to think that my so severely repressing and burying myself and my being depressed and potentially suicidal aren't connected (Elizabeth, this is why you felt insane when you weren't even allowed a tiny bit of connection to your deep self through the activity of underdressing--something that may appear trivial and amusing to a non-TG'ed person, such as your ex, but, as recognized by experts in the field such as Harry Benjamin, can lead to a considerable ease in psychological and emotional suffering); finally, I'd be crazy to think that the kind of culture, the kind of society, the kind of world I live in provides a good model for healthy and sane living. It doesn't. It's a world that focuses on differences rather than similarities, on conflict rather than understanding and peaceful resolution, on surface rather than depth, and on amusement rather than inspiration. I struggle to make my own personal world (i.e., the one inside my own head, my own heart, my own soul) better and, hopefully, some of that good stuff rubs off on others. I can do no more. That, to me, is what it means to be sane.

Now, take a look at this section, taken from the Benjamin Standards of Care. It contains a number of good prescriptions for not becoming insane (regardless of where you are on the TG spectrum).

Options for Gender Adaptation. The activities and processes that are listed below have, in various combinations, helped people to find more personal comfort. These adaptations may evolve spontaneously and during psychotherapy. Finding new gender adaptations does not mean that the person may not in the future elect to pursue hormone therapy, the real-life experience, or genital surgery.

Activities:

-- Cross-dressing: unobtrusively with undergarments; unisexually; or in a feminine fashion;
-- Changing the body through: hair removal through electrolysis or body waxing; minor plastic cosmetic surgical procedures;
-- Increasing grooming, wardrobe, and vocal expression skills.
-- Learning about transgender phenomena from: support groups and gender networks, communication with peers via the Internet, studying these Standards of Care, relevant lay and professional literatures about legal rights pertaining to work, relationships, and public cross-dressing;
-- Involvement in recreational activities of the desired gender;
-- Episodic cross-gender living.

Processes:

-- Acceptance of personal homosexual or bisexual fantasies and behaviors (orientation) as distinct from gender identity and gender role aspirations;
-- Acceptance of the need to maintain a job, provide for the emotional needs of children, honor a spousal commitment, or not to distress a family member as currently having a higher priority than the personal wish for constant cross-gender expression;
-- Integration of male and female gender awareness into daily living;
-- Identification of the triggers for increased cross-gender yearnings and effectively attending to them; for instance, developing better self-protective, self-assertive, and vocational skills to advance at work and resolve interpersonal struggles to strengthen key relationships.

Have a great week, all of you! Have a sane week!

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Hi CJ,

Notice, by the way, that this also works for someone who says, for instance, that he has no need to please anyone but God. God, in this instance, becomes that other "I" that looks upon you and smiles;

That has not been my experience.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Loretta,

No, I agree; it hasn't been mine either.

Love,
CJ

[Elizabeth]

CJ,

That was a very enlightening post. I really enjoyed reading it, but I am still somewhat confused. I still don't understand what it means to have gender dysphoria. Does that mean I have a disorder that needs curing?

I try to look at this from a distance and get a perspective but it is difficult. I mean, I am clearly a genetic male who feels like he should have been a genetic female. If I thought I were an animal or perhaps another race would it be any different? I know intellectually that I am not insane. I don't feel like I have a disorder. I feel like I have been enlightened. I don't feel defective, I feel lucky. And that in and of itself sometimes concerns me.

It seems that so much of the human condition is just not understood and to say anything that does not fall into some percentage of human behavior means it is a defect, seems more arbitrary and political than it does any kind of science.

How are we to know? When will the medical community do with us what they did with gays and finally say "hey, some people are just born this way, there is nothing wrong with them"?

Anyways, it's still a great post and I totally enjoyed reading it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kersten Lee]

Hi All,

Yes, it really is me, still alive and kicking.

The anti-depressant that I had been on for several years was taken off the market in March. I went through what I considered sever withdrawal. A person is not to go off these type drugs cold turkey. I had run out and could not get more. I had no warning. This is a story in itself, but I will move on.

The whole summer and part of the fall have been all most a total loss to me. I struggled to survive, hour by hour and day by day. The doctor said that what I had been taking was technically not addictive, but that I would suffer withdrawal for up to 6 weeks. Does that make sense?

I took several other drugs which either did not help or had their own side effects. He finally referred me to a psychiatrist with more knowledge about these drugs. One drug made me like a neutered puppy. One caused me to be continually hungry. I gained 30 lbs. in 30 days. One made me so tired that it was unsafe for me to drive or work. I quit it the first week I started on it. Another made me emotionally flat with no feelings. One I got suicidal again and my therapist got me through that episode.

I have been on a combination of two drugs now for the past two months and am beginning to feel like myself again. One is an anti-depressant and the other is for bi-polar disorder or other associated type symptoms.

I felt very insane many times these last very long months. CJ described the action of these drugs and normal brain function very aptly. My therapist became very concerned for me several times. Several of the drugs did not allow me to feel and appreciate the feminine parts of me. My therapist believed that was bad and not normal behavior for me and for my personal well-being. She was right. Many in our society would not agree.

A long while back, CJ and my therapist had got me to understand the yin and yang of life. The point I want to make is, that a truly insane person could believe he is sane. He may even convince others that he is sane. If we as cross-dressers look outside ourselves for justification of our being or self-esteem we can easily feel insane. The reallity is that we can only find truth, self-esteem and justification for our being from within ourselves. From this, all healthy and well adjusted people could be considered insane by their self-confidence and single minded resolve.

Elizabeth you are well and I will be.

Respectfully,
Kersten

[Virginia]

Kersten, I am so proud of you!!!! You are going to make it I have no doubt! I truly believe that your recognition of yourself as a crossdresser and that gift that it can provide you will stand you in strength to accomplish whatever you decide to do!
I got dressed tonight, because I wanted to get dressed. Tight pink knit sweater, above the knee tight off white, skirt, heels and my make-up and I look into the mirror and all I see, I see, I see is a happy, beautiful woman. Is she insane ain't no way!!!!! I don't care who wants to question our sanity. If they ain't been there and done that, then keep your @#%&$ mouth shut and leave me the hell alone. I have said it before and I will say it now and I will continue to say it. I love what you all have done for me, I am content with who I am, I love who I am, I enjoy doing what I do, and I am Virginia and she is me and we will hold hands and continue to enjoy our "Magical Mystery Tour"
Hey girls, don't let the turkeys keep the eagles from soaring!!!!
Love you all,
Virginia