My journey: baby steps and gigantic strides
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2016 9:38 am
Perhaps I discovered my desire to dress a little later than most. As I recall, I think I was about 12. This age seems accurate because I vividly remember mixed feeling of arousal, comfort, and shame the first time I put on my mom's clothes.
The first item was a gorgeous pair of black suede pumps. I felt so elegant standing on those 4" heels! After that, I started looting her closet at every opportunity for items I knew she no longer wore. Out of sight, out of mind, right? One afternoon, home alone, I found some red garters and black stockings in a box in the back of the closet. I was enthralled...I had to try them with the outfit I had cobbled together. Those stockings and garters under a mid-thigh length skirt made me feel so alive!
Since then, I have dressed off and on. As I've reached my mid-40's, I realize my tastes run toward the flirty and fun; short skirts, high heels, etc. I've never been in public, or seen. I've driven around during the day dressed as Paige, and also at night. I have taken movies back to the Redbox at off-hours dressed as Paige, and it was nerve-racking, but I survived. I've had grand plans of going to a drive-thru window, or to the bank, or to pump gas in the car, and I always back out. I'm nearly certain that no one will recognize me, but even though I'm perfectly comfortable sitting in traffic next to a car full of gawking teenagers, I can't bring myself to "emerge" from my safe haven behind the wheel. I'm 6'3" and proportional in build, so I make a tall and broad-shouldered woman. I'm fine with that. I would just love to be comfortable enough with my look to go out when I chose and not be mortified to be read.
My wife does know I've dressed. She has accepted that it's part of my life, but that's about it. I love her dearly, and don't want to hurt her, and I think coming out would devastate her. So, I remain closeted, but for the occasional business trip, or when she and our children are out of town.
In the day or so I've been accepted here, I feel so welcome. And confident. Thank you to everyone who has extended a welcome and encouragement. I'm looking forward to learning much from this group.
Hugs,
Paige
The first item was a gorgeous pair of black suede pumps. I felt so elegant standing on those 4" heels! After that, I started looting her closet at every opportunity for items I knew she no longer wore. Out of sight, out of mind, right? One afternoon, home alone, I found some red garters and black stockings in a box in the back of the closet. I was enthralled...I had to try them with the outfit I had cobbled together. Those stockings and garters under a mid-thigh length skirt made me feel so alive!
Since then, I have dressed off and on. As I've reached my mid-40's, I realize my tastes run toward the flirty and fun; short skirts, high heels, etc. I've never been in public, or seen. I've driven around during the day dressed as Paige, and also at night. I have taken movies back to the Redbox at off-hours dressed as Paige, and it was nerve-racking, but I survived. I've had grand plans of going to a drive-thru window, or to the bank, or to pump gas in the car, and I always back out. I'm nearly certain that no one will recognize me, but even though I'm perfectly comfortable sitting in traffic next to a car full of gawking teenagers, I can't bring myself to "emerge" from my safe haven behind the wheel. I'm 6'3" and proportional in build, so I make a tall and broad-shouldered woman. I'm fine with that. I would just love to be comfortable enough with my look to go out when I chose and not be mortified to be read.
My wife does know I've dressed. She has accepted that it's part of my life, but that's about it. I love her dearly, and don't want to hurt her, and I think coming out would devastate her. So, I remain closeted, but for the occasional business trip, or when she and our children are out of town.
In the day or so I've been accepted here, I feel so welcome. And confident. Thank you to everyone who has extended a welcome and encouragement. I'm looking forward to learning much from this group.
Hugs,
Paige