What am I?

[Emma-A]

I've failed at being a man, my wife insists I'm not transgender, my wife won't tolerate me as a crossdresser, I don't feel that I'll ever be passable as a woman, nor that I'll be accepted in society as a crossdresser. I don't think I could undergo SRS, but I've started a low dosage of hormones. So what am I and where am I going, other than off the orwell bridge to a rapid death or permanent disablement. No woman will ever love me, but neither am I gay? So what am I destined for other than a life of loneliness?

I no longer have anything to hide, for I have no future, so here I am - Emma and Paul.

[Emma-A]

which one lives, and which one dies? or do both die? for they cannot live together and be loved in the real world...

I love you all for loving me, but online love is not enough for us. where do we go from here?

[Kimberly Kael]

which one lives, and which one dies? or do both die? for they cannot live together and be loved in the real world...

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Whether it's a bad day, a bad month, or a bad year it will pass. Sometimes the hardest part of moving forward and taking control of our lives is finding the courage and conviction to love ourselves. You should definitely find someone to talk to in the Real World, particularly when you're feeling this lost. I looked forward to sessions with my therapist and came away believing that just about anyone could benefit from talking things over with a professional now and then.

[Emma-A]

which one lives, and which one dies? or do both die? for they cannot live together and be loved in the real world...

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Whether it's a bad day, a bad month, or a bad year it will pass. Sometimes the hardest part of moving forward and taking control of our lives is finding the courage and conviction to love ourselves. You should definitely find someone to talk to in the Real World, particularly when you're feeling this lost. I looked forward to sessions with my therapist and came away believing that just about anyone could benefit from talking things over with a professional now and then.

I just tried to get close to my wife and she beat me. my back hurts to much and I want to die

[Emma-A]

I'm not a man, I'm not a woman. I am just a spoilt only child who never grew up into a proper man. I want to kill myself but can't because I don't want to hurt my parents, so what do I do? I'm so sorry for letting all this out here, but at this time of night I have nowhere else to turn.
love,
Emma and Paul

[Karin]

I'm not a man, I'm not a woman.

Takes a while to figure this out so ill tell you lol. It doesnt matter cos youre just you, just as i am me. Does it matter what words are used?

I am just a spoilt only child who never grew up into a proper man.

Same here Emma, do you know i never owned a suit, nor wore one? Not even to my own wedding??? turns out i was trans so that explains it really, but there were so many fires in my life till i got on the right road. Im not saying its the same for everyone, but you just never know...

I want to kill myself but can't because I don't want to hurt my parents, so what do I do?

Get some sleep honey, and then look at the big picture, again and again and again....

I'm so sorry for letting all this out here, but at this time of night I have nowhere else to turn.

Pffft.. Dont be sorry at all, youre a good person and we like you! (I definately wouldnt be alive today if it werent for my online friends)

You know what you really need Emma?... A Bow!

ps.. i just bombed your PM inbox again! haha

[DonnaT]

You don't have to be a man or a woman, just be.

If your wife beats you, call the cops.

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm not a man, I'm not a woman. I am just a spoilt only child who never grew up into a proper man.

It sounds like you've accepted someone else's assessment at face value. There is no objective standard for you to measure up to. No right or wrong way to be a man or a woman, unless you're harming someone else in the process – and it sounds like you're the one hurting here. Nobody else can tell you who you are or who you can be.

I'm so sorry for letting all this out here, but at this time of night I have nowhere else to turn.

There are always places to turn. Crisis support lines exist for anyone in need of help, and you shouldn't hesitate to call one in your area.

[Emma-A]

Wow that was a rough night.

Firstly, I want to say thanks to all of you who responded to my cry for help, and especially to Karin who listened to my drivel over the PM until I eventually fell asleep.

Maybe I exaggerated the 'beating' part a little. It was in fact just a push away and a firm punch in the back, which although it hurt for a while its jsut a dull ache this morning. Besides, I deserved it because I had a drink (very unusual for me, I normally avoid alcohol because it aggrevates my depression but last night I was such a mess that I caved in to it), became emotional and tried to hug her despite being told to stay away.

KK - I'm struggling with your response above. You are right that I have perhaps accepted my wife's assessment of me at face value. But I can't assess myself, my parents will obviously give a biased assessment, and who else knows me well enough other than my wife to make that assessment?
Also about the 'no right or wrong way' comment; The problem is that my personality and other issues are hurting my wife emotionally - although it is not my intention to hurt her. So if I assess myself like this, I am certainly going about things the wrong way.

Anyway, perhaps I just need to stop analysing everything - because its not getting me anywhere. Just need to find a way to spend christmas alone so I don't cause any further problems. The good news is that I'm able to go to work every day except the statutory holidays, which is a good thing for me.

with love and thanks
Em.

[Kimberly Kael]

KK - I'm struggling with your response above. You are right that I have perhaps accepted my wife's assessment of me at face value. But I can't assess myself, my parents will obviously give a biased assessment, and who else knows me well enough other than my wife to make that assessment?

What makes you think your wife's assessment is unbiased? She may have spent more time with you than most, but she has observed it all from her own perspective. How your actions affect her can dominate her view easily, and fears of the unknown play a strong role. Whether they admit it or not, your wife and parents will both be strongly motivated by wondering what their friends will think.

Part of the reason I recommended a therapist is that they're the best approximation of an unbiased outsider you're likely to find. A good one will spend most of the time helping you be introspective, so they don't need to know you — you'll do that part of the work.

Also about the 'no right or wrong way' comment; The problem is that my personality and other issues are hurting my wife emotionally - although it is not my intention to hurt her. So if I assess myself like this, I am certainly going about things the wrong way.

Being aware of the needs of others is a wonderful attribute, so I'm glad you're paying attention, but there has to be room for your needs as well. You need to be you. Pretending to be anyone else is exhausting and ultimately unsustainable. You may find that there's a way to be yourself that works for your wife, or you may find that you're just not compatible. It happens.

Anyway, perhaps I just need to stop analysing everything - because its not getting me anywhere. Just need to find a way to spend christmas alone so I don't cause any further problems.

So long as you realize it isn't a solution, just a delaying tactic. It may help to push the hard part out until after an emotionally charged holiday season. Best wishes, Emma. If you can't find a little joy this week then at least I wish you a respite from pain for a little while.

[Emma-A]

Thanks dear. Some good news, one of my colleagues today asked how I was doing and I talked to him. he invited me round to help him rebuild an engine later this week and said I could drop in any other time I felt I needed an escape, which is great.

So the next two days may be tough but from Thursday I've got some escape options at least.

wishing you a good Christmas.

luv,
Em

[Mike P.]

Hi Emma,
I can't begin to say what you should do, as I am coping with similar decisions myself, but I do know that there are more important things in life, so please give yourself a break when needed, and talk to a professional. Above all, do no accept anyone hitting you, that is most definitely unacceptable, and makes me angry.

[Amber Chen]

Emma:
I see no posts from you since Christmas Eve, when you were invited to help with your friend's engine. What happened?

Also, even though your wife knows you very well, her rejection of this part of you (crossdressing) is only an indicator of how much she DOESN'T know about you!!

If you can find a 'trans' accepting psychotherapist in your area, start going to him/her!!!

[Emma-A]

Hi all,

Its been a long time since I last posted. I've spent many months trying to make things work with my wife and managed to supress my feminine side for a long time, but sadly we could still not make things work well and she moved out about 3 weeks ago. We still meet occasionally for dinner and stuff, but really the emotional connection is gone.

I've come to realise that I'm not really marriage material, but there is a huge gap in my emotional needs that I can't fill. I just wish there was someone out there who was a bit like me, with whom I could share an intimate relationship, regardless of gender. I've done a lot of self-analysis over the last few months and came to realise that gender is irrelevant as long as you love and accept one another, complete with all your faults, and are fundamentally compatible. The latter my wife and I never were really.

Anyways, I'm sorry for the long absence, and I look forward to talking to all you girls and guys again. Its good to be back

[Kelly]

Hi Emma,

I'm glad to see you're back. Those of us that do not see the gender barrier erected by society have both a blessing and a curse. You have felt the worse of the curse and I am so sorry for the torment you have suffered. I hope that soon you will again enjoy the blessing.

Using the cliché, what doesn't kill your makes you stronger. You have survived, and that is what is important. The most important. Remember, you cannot change the past; but, you can direct the future.

You have the opportunity. To reinvent yourself. You also has an advantage. Few men reinvent after age 20 or so (so I'm told). Women reinvent every 5-10 years. Go for it.

Kelly.

PS. Reinvention isn't necessarily easy. But if you can pull it off, your tougher than any manly man out there!!!!!!!