Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi All,

I know I haven't been around so much, but I've had a lot on my plate, as it were. The biggest issue for me, has been that after much thought, searching and introspection, I need to become female; I can't "do" male any more, in any sense of the word.

It's been quite a difficult time for me, and not least my partner, who has been so loving and very supportive, and is standing by me through this. I've also had such loving support from my best friend, who accepts me for who I am.

After making this decision, and having done a fair few hours of reading, not to say that I haven't done a lot of research before, I find myself a tad confused.

Having read and checked fully on what I need to do, where I need to go, and who I need to see to get to where I really need to be, which I accept will undoubtedly be a long bumpy road for so many reasons, whilst I don't have any issues or concerns with living as a woman, changing my identity, and the like, I've found a lot of contradiction in regard to what order "official" procedure has to go in.

For example, the Gender Recognition Panel offer that I need legal documents, like a passport as proof of my new Identity, which I'd have to get a letter from my GP. That's not too difficult in itself, except to say that I'm not certain I can do that without having changed my name.

Having read on GIRES about the amount of documentation I'd obviously have to change in regard to my Identity, it suggests the first thing to get is a Change of Name Deed; this seems to be appropriate way before the GRP would ever grant a Certificate, after having fulfilled the requirements, except to say, I've also read that I don't need a Change of Name Deed if I get a GRC, since my gender would be legally changed.

This confuses me.

Moreover, having read and checked about "the order of play" in terms of seeing my doctor, a psychiatrist, getting a referral to a Gender Identity Centre, Hormones, funding, and the like, there is a massive contradiction in terms (for me, since I have minor acuity problems with reasoning sometimes, not least when it comes to reading so much), as to whether I need to live as a woman first before I qualify for help (not least because for the most part I've largely cross-dressed, rather than lived as female), or whether some level of treatment may be available prior to "real-life experience" (which, as I said, causes me no particular issue in the present sense).

It struck me, having read all the information on offer, not least from the NHS, that the "order of play", the provision of primary, secondary and tertiary care in this field, can be somewhat of a postcode lottery, and even then it strikes me as having a gender-bias on what types of services and surgeries on offer at the appropriate times.

So, I'm wondering; do you lovely people have any reasonable advice or suggestions as to where I might read (or go to) to get some sort of tangible sense of what order I have to do things in? I don't have an issue with having to do things in a specific order, it's rather more that, having read specifically the GRP information, I don't want to cause any unnecessary paperwork that doesn't need to be done - or more to the point be done again, nor make any inadvertent delays that might be avoided had I done things differently.

One of the things that's got me in the reading I've done is, given that I'm not currently on Hormones, and the literature strongly suggests not taking illicit ones, but half-tells me a good place to get them from, and what to use, and funnily, that if I've started taking Hormones illicitly, rather than legitimately through a doctor, they'd have to be regulated and monitored (that reads, they'd put me on the right ones, but doesn't really mention when *rolls eyes*)

The major thing for me is that there's so much to do, and whilst I have the time and energy, I'm not really in any rush (not least this isn't something any of rush into, after all), but having said that, there are obviously other factors in my life, and if at all possible, if I can avoid any aggravation by getting the order of which agencies to deal with (etc) right, it wouldn't be a bad thing.

If anything, it'd mean more time to go shopping for a new wardrobe!

I really appreciate you taking time to read my post and look forward to any input you might have on it.

Many thanks in advance,

I was reading your post. I can see your concern. Let me just say. Take a step -- any step. Take a bunch of different ones at the same time. If you take a wrong one, then that person will tell you and will likely tell you the one you should have taken.

I use the "I am clueless" trick any time I don't care to chase my tail. I just show up with what ever papers I have and say, "help me, I'm so confused" and it usually works. If they start telling me about the 1000s of steps, I just stand there and look that much more lost. It does wonders for getting more help.

I can be bad.

Hi

Well.... I'm just up the road from you a few hundred miles or so and I'm guilty of travelling this road. Just a lil bit.

I started myself on hormones and then after a year I went to the GP for help with it. I got laughed out of there but discovered I'm diabetic. That means regular blood tests right? . My nurses all clocked me right away and have been awesome to me. They've been testing my hormone levels alongside the diabetic checks and that's essential.
After six months of that I stamped my feet harder at the GP for a referral. There's no gender clinic in my trust so that means someone has to pay. Soooo they sent me to the local mental health clinic three times over the first half of the year. I just a month ago got my referral at last. I have my appt two and a half years into my illicit hrt. They state clearly that to be diagnosed Transexual that the identity must have been present for two years. They also state that there can be no other mental issues causing it. Then if diagnosed transexual, the treatment can begin. This is where a two year RLE happens and name changes and hormones tend to be the norm? All titles change during this period. Then after that, you can start to talk about surgery. That requires the panel to agree that its appropriate and two clinicians signatures. So in short. I'll have my girls name next to a M gender marker for at least two years.

These two links are pretty definitive of the new codes bought in this year...

Protocol
http://www.nottinghamshirehealthcare.nh ... Attachment" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Guide for GPs
http://www.nottinghamshirehealthcare.nh ... Attachment" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


Im facing it too so I hope this helps, and if there's anything more specific you need? Then please just ask xxxx

MrGinaes wrote:I've had a lot on my plate, as it were. The biggest issue for me, has been that after much thought, searching and introspection, I need to become female; I can't "do" male any more, in any sense of the word.

A month ago you wrote:

For me, it's {the CDing} not really a sexual thing, it's more about "a state of being" [me]...I'm not looking to transition, though I would like to get my breasts done or grow them more than they are, and I'm completely comfy with who I am and what I do...

Whatever has happened to you in the last month - I mean what was the stuff that's piled up on your plate?

Anthony Simon wrote:

MrGinaes wrote:I've had a lot on my plate, as it were. The biggest issue for me, has been that after much thought, searching and introspection, I need to become female; I can't "do" male any more, in any sense of the word.

A month ago you wrote:

For me, it's {the CDing} not really a sexual thing, it's more about "a state of being" [me]...I'm not looking to transition, though I would like to get my breasts done or grow them more than they are, and I'm completely comfy with who I am and what I do...

Whatever has happened to you in the last month - I mean what was the stuff that's piled up on your plate?

**grab a favoured drink, this may be wordy**
Anthony Simon,

As I explained in my introductory post, I had the intention of growing breasts, rather than ever having the notion of wanting to transition to becoming a woman. It's been hugely upsetting, though I'm really finding my feet a bit more now. Hindsight says I should've done something about this a long time ago, but it also says if I hadn't've done the things I have, I may not have gotten to where I am now. (blah-de-blah, you know what I mean, I'm sure).

One brief pivotal thing is what happened - and then everything changed (or started to), and my world as I knew it - ended.

Back in the day [on another forum], it was the general consensus that we, as practitioners of [whatever] kink (because the Forum I mention is based around M/s, D/s and BDSM), shouldn't push our kink onto other people; other than people who are interested in such, that's something I've never done.

I'm in a loving relationship with my partner (which is quite the story in itself), but over time, it's become, for a few reasons, increasingly sexually dysfunctional. The majority part of that, will in fact remain private - at least for now. There was this one time, though, when my partner "dared me" to go to an impending Doctor's appointment, wearing some women's underwear; having met her, when I did, and how I did, wearing such. I refused to do so, and explained why based on the premise that I've just explained to you about not pushing kink onto other people.

Subsequently, but not because of that issue, I had another Doctor's appointment in an early morning surgery. In getting ready to leave the house, I made a virtually split-second decision to wear some underwear, and go to said appointment, not least to discuss the shemale thing (amongst other things), which my Doctor wholly accepted, and offered me help with. After that, a few days later, I attended a non-smoking clinic appointment, and managed to get another appointment to see him again, that same morning. In between those times, he'd done some research and asking around amongst colleagues, about how to best help me, not least because of the procedures in regard to the GIC, but also the likelihood of the PCT paying for services, in the knowledge that I only wanted breasts at the time.

He asked me if I wanted to become a woman [in the appointment], and at the time, I said no, and the result of his research, etc, that I detailed above, not least because of my other medical history, he offered me to go onto Cimetidine, since it has the lovely side-effect of male breast growth.

That was all well and dandy, except that question - asked then, stuck badly, and rattled around inside. Did I? Do I? My answer didn't sit right at the time - perhaps I didn't really expect to have that kind of discussion since I went to the appointment "genderqueer" (rather than just a bit odd, like my Doctor was used to!).

I started taking the medication, and did something I never, ever do. Thinking. Searching deep inside. And here's my reasoning for changing pace, and not wanting the former, but really needing tha latter. We won't really discuss the part where during that whole period of searching, my partner thought it was another thing to do with how we might simply not be compatible - that's largely private to her, unless she wants to join to discuss it herself.

Up until [relatively] recently (because of this, in part or perhaps, in the main), I considered myself Bisexual. I've been married twice, had children by the first wife (having made first mention to my Mum that I wanted a baby when I was 14, discussing it from all angles of the subject, given that my Mum and I talked about everything and anything); I've had sexual interaction with men, and had quite a wildly kinky sex-life. I can't remember much of my young childhood, but for the few things I do remember, all of them relate to girls, women, "en-femme" in some fashion. I started nicking my sister's stuff back when I was 12, including, but not limited to certain items of her make up - a bluey-silver eyeliner, and a pinky-red lipstick, and her "undies", and I remember once, my Mum caught me wearing said make-up and I swore blind I didn't have any on.

When I was in Secondary School, I kept a lid on stuff. Nothing really that big there. I was the typical quintessential [less than macho] male friend of the girls, always knowing more about girl stuff than a boy should. I hated rugby, and football, and I still do. I remember clearly, when I was in my final years though, I had a friend, who used to come back to my parent's house at lunchtimes (we shared smokes on the way to and from, and the like). He made mention quite a few times of how it was a shame that I wasn't a girl so we could've had a relationship. I always remember that, though never told him or anyone about my CD'ing or such. I'll leave the part out about having [my closest ever to date] brush with the law; I was around 15 at the time and I stole some make-up from one of the big chain supermarkets. If my Mum hadn't've been with me at the time, it wouldn't have been so bad, but that was the one time she was 'that' ashamed. I never told her why I did it.

All through my first marriage, I mainly closet cross-dressed. I say mainly, because my then wife knew about it, and it was OK, "when" she fancied playing with me dressed up, but she openly and quite publicly vilified me for it at other times. It wouldn't surprise me if "those" pictures from back then were (still) on the Internet. I'm not ashamed of them. I am what I am after all. We won't talk about how some of the times I was allowed to dress were because she also wanted to play with our friend, who was also a closet-dresser. OK when it suited her, like. It's worth noting that after having 4 children, I had a vasectomy.

I ended my first marriage, because even though we had a kinky and varied sex-life, there were aspects of it that were highly emotionally abusive to me, not least from the fact that I'd been physically abused for over 9 years.

In between my first and second marriage, I had a small string of short relationships; the ones that stick out the most are the the wholly monogamous, online relationship that lasted 9 months with an Australian woman who I've never met; one with the woman 16 years my senior, who was incredibly open-minded and very accepting; and the one with the 17 year old girl who lied about her age, and grossly sexually abused me. If I dwell on that factoid, I can still feel that burn now. I've never forgotten it.

My second marriage was largely bound to end for so many reasons, not least since there was a 16 year age gap, because of my love of all-things M/s and kink, though my second wife was largely tolerant of my need to cross-dress. It ended through my divorcing her since she ran off with another bloke, largely because, understandably, she needed to go play the field some more after marrying me so young (she was 18 at the time, my being 34). During my second marriage, I had my vasectomy reversed, for wanting to try for a baby in that marriage, unsuccessfully, though sexual ability was restored, having been difficult after my first marriage ended.

All of these things (though much more complicated than disclosed), had an effect and were reason for me losing touch with my children - oddly except my cross-dressing, which my eldest daughter knew and knows about and had no issue with - other people around me at the time, however, did. We won't discuss how their lives and choices left a bit to be desired though, that would simply make people hypocrites

Excluding since 2002 from this statement, I was a long term, heavily medicated psychiatric out-patient, starting from about 1983, on and off, but mainly from 1989. I haven't seen a Shrink or CPN since 2002, and whilst I've been offered anti-depressants at various times since, and had some bereavement counselling in regard to my Mum's passing in 1994, I don't believe I need to see anyone as such, and I don't think I need medicating, because I deal with stuff in my own way - suffice to say that some people are emotional cutters. I used to be but I channelled this into being an artistic cutter and only cut when I'm happy and very much in control of my actions. Pretty patterns!

Having said that all that, the way I deal with things now, compared to then, has changed - not just in the emotional sense, but somewhat philosophically, too. I'm not a very emotional person, but I have "issues"; I don't really cry at all, but I find, more as time goes on, I get tearful. I don't mean in a depressed way, I mean because of how I'm looking at the same thing isn't quite how I saw it before. I have always had mood swings - it was largely a symptomatic part of what landed me in front of a Shrink in the first place, but this just isn't the same and I know enough about me, what's been happening to me, my own psychology to know that, in an odd way, I'm happier now than I have been in a very long time, even though I have a bloody big mountain to climb to get where I'm going.

I won't deny there's a bad part though, and I don't know why this is. Perhaps this is where a Shrink would be useful, not least because I need to get assessed for Dysphoria and as part of the obvious process;

Like I said, I identified as Bisexual up until relatively recently. I suffered an absolute major turn off not long before Christmas (which is further before my partner and I met physically since we were on-line at the time, her living in New Zealand); I invited the guy who I mentioned above who I used to play with along with my first wife, to come and play with me at my home (this was with encouragement from my partner). He and I were going to be dressed up at the time. When he arrived, I was in full kit. He wasn't in the least. Basically, in a nutshell, I offered myself up to him, he pawed me up like a slab of meat, said he didn't wanna play because he wasn't dressed and pretty much left soon after. I've been made to feel cheap through my dealings in M/s and such, but that takes the cake.

Not wishing to talk out of turn about someone who might not subscribe to the Forum, in himself, he identifies as someone who cross-dresses and has done so for many years, just because he likes to do so, and in closer people's knowledge. He has a wife who is tolerant though not appreciative. I suspect that, for him, knowing his other activities, it might be something more than that. This is relevant to my story because there have been times, on and off, for years that we've discussed our habits, his needs, especially at home, and then mine after that - I've gone through the whole "burn it all" thing, perhaps 3 times in my history. I just can't do it again, any more than I can deny what's happening to me.

When I first met my partner in person (cutting the long story short, though we can address that later, if necessary), there was the undoubted adjustment period for her coming to live immediately in my house, since it was an on an "all, or nothing at all" basis. CD and Trans aside, sex and sexual interaction was fine for the first little bit. There was a highly unfortunate time, whereby through no fault of her own, she sometimes reminded me of my first ex-wife when in a sexual setting. We worked towards resolving this issue after I had a panic attack during a discussion about our issues. This has obviously had a detrimental effect on our sex-life, but it's not the reason why it's fallen apart.

More recently, up until I went to the Doctor's that first time, given that I'm in a dominant position, and my partner is submissive to me, I made it clear to her that "while I was Gina", I didn't want to finish sex, or cum unless I was forced to. On and off, my partner has been doing this manually, I've been orally intimate with her, but really, we haven't been fully intimate with each other in months. The thing of "being Gina" had somewhat crossed over and infected my being just "me", and I suppose it might have been somewhat confusing for her, and left her not knowing which I was and when. But then again, to me, this was inevitable.

Part of the main trouble (in the "what happened"), came though, when we shared a "69", her being on top. I made it clear that I didn't want to cum, that I just wanted to be stimulated. I was forced, while "enjoying her" from underneath. Don't get me wrong, I loved what I did to her, just that what happened with me, was uncomfortable and I didn't want that to happen. But what stands out the most is that the next day, when my partner was out, so I was alone in my house, I masturbated to the point of ejaculation. I cannot even begin to tell you the anguish, pain and discomfort playing with myself, and then cumming caused me. I haven't had a waking erection since. I get night erections, and masturbate in my sleep, but I've had those and I've been doing that for years - the most notable thing about that, and especially for the last few months, is that it's always but always female-parts oriented. It's also worth pointing out that I haven't played alone in perhaps years. It's just not something I can or have liked to do.

I'm not a dreamer, or not so I remember them. I get silhouetted outlines that are brightly coloured in. Always female in orientation.

Just recently, I was reading a personal friend's blog, which is somewhat of a sexual nature (not personally to her, but largely made up of sexual imagery to do with her preferences, amongst other things); there was a sequence of this guy cumming over this girl. Considering how I've always had a reasonable relationship with "products", not least because I liked giving male oral, being Bisexual and all, why in Hell's name, did it make me gag.

I have for a long time, had a big issue with how I smell. I stink [to me], but I'm told I don't smell. I can't abide the smell of sweat. It bugs me a whole lot more than it ever used to. I didn't really care for the male attitude towards things, but I care for it now even less. I don't mean that to sound feminist, because it's not intended to be.

For years, I've been quite big-chested, which up to a point, fits quite nicely into underwear and such, and since having shaved all or most of my hair off, exposing my breasts as they currently are, I feel much more comfortable than I did. I've been a genital and under-arm shaver for quite some time, on and off (better than looking like a gorilla with the amount of hair I have, lol), so that's a moot point, but I've had a long time aversion to my testicles, not least since I had the reversal. Apart from them being painful and uncomfortable, I just don't like them there, though up until the question of "me being a woman", I did actually quite like my penis - so long as I don't cum, unless it's to stop me aching (I have Varicoceles).

Yes, it's true, a few things have happened in a short space of time, and might be seen to be "odd", but there's so much more to this that I haven't written, not least because I'm tired now having written it.

All I'll say at the end of this is that I'm exasperated to have got to this place and be feeling like this when really, I understand I've been like this for years. I don't doubt it, and the thing of getting breasts vs. transitioning is clear to me that I was in denial of who and what I am - I'm no longer in denial, and I'm dealing with it. I'm in the process of coming out to some of the closer people in my life, and to be fair, they've all (or mostly) been great so far. Just my Sister left now, but because she has a lot to deal with over my Dad, that will likely have to wait some.

Right now, I can safely say that although I know everything will take time to iron out, I know where I'm at in myself, and I'm largely content with my lot, even if there are things that are subject to flux. That's bound to happen. It wouldn't be life if it was all plain-sailing.

I hope this makes at least a bit more sense, especially if you think about how pretty much all of that and then some has been through my mind quite a few times since the point of "the first breast growth appointment".

I apologise if I've caused any offence to anyone in the way I've written this post, through my choice of phrase, the post's content, or something else.

**note; just to be clear, I edited this post for colour and highlighting only, the content remains unchanged from it's original**

MrGinaes wrote:

Anthony Simon wrote:

MrGinaes wrote:after much thought, searching and introspection, I need to become female; I can't "do" male any more, in any sense of the word.

A month ago you wrote:

I'm not looking to transition...I'm completely comfy with who I am and what I do...

Whatever has happened to you in the last month?

...One brief pivotal thing is what happened - and then everything changed (or started to), and my world as I knew it - ended.

There's lots of other stuff, but I can't see you really answering the question (about what happened to you in the last month) - though some of it is relevant. And you do give us your life history.

Yes, it's true, a few things have happened in a short space of time, and might be seen to be "odd", but there's so much more to this that I haven't written, not least because I'm tired now having written it.

Seems to put off the explanation till some future date.

Anthony Simon wrote:
There's lots of other stuff, but I can't see you really answering the question (about what happened to you in the last month) - though some of it is relevant. And you do give us your life history.

Somehow, I didn't come across as clear as I would've liked; I went back to the post above, and highlighted in red, for those who might be blind, or unable to read context correctly, the event which led to my decision. As such, my answer to your question, was, in fact abundantly clear.

Anthony Simon wrote:

MrGinaes wrote:Yes, it's true, a few things have happened in a short space of time, and might be seen to be "odd", but there's so much more to this that I haven't written, not least because I'm tired now having written it.

Seems to put off the explanation till some future date.

Having provided "my life story" (as you put it), and having said that I was pretty tired after having written the above post, I didn't in fact put off explaining anything to anyone. The entirety of the post, save the point about the pivotal moment, highlighted in red, explains, in full the thought process I've been through since that point, after having originally seen my Doctor, and why I came to the decision to become female at all.

What really gets me is for some reason, I feel like I'm being made to justify myself here. This is not something I have to do. My personal choices affect no-one but me and those around me.

So much for coming to a Forum of apparently like-minded people to look for information and perhaps support. It's all good. I can handle it on my own. And I will.

like-minded people

Maybe on some things, but we all have our own opinions.

This is a place where we can discuss things and agree or disagree but do it respectfully.

I consider the people on here to be friends, and when they disagree with me, I respect their opinion enough to consider it. If they agreed with me all the time I wouldn't consider them much of a friend as I know I am not perfect and I may be headed in a wrong direction. As a friend I would like to think they like me enough to try to point me right or make me think about what I am doing.

I'll expand on Leeza's thought a little: no we are not like-minded, we are like-intentioned. That is, we disagree about many things, CD and trans, but we agree on trying to be kind and gentle - we have the intention of being helpful.

Pretty much everyone here tries to help others with their problems about being CD or about transitioning or about most everything around those two things. To do that we have to know what the situation is, why the change, or why the stasis. What's made things different. Then we can relate to the problem and offer a suggestion or two.

Without that information nothing can reasonably be suggested, and it becomes a pity party. We can do that too, but it's not nearly as much fun or as useful.

In the year I've been here I've changed my self-perception and expectations several times. I've offered and critiqued and rejected several theories about several things CD. I'll probably change and revise (or reject) all of those things in future posts. But I try to explain why, otherwise I'm just pontificating (which I also do.)

So MrG, nobody is trying to get you to reveal what you don't want revealed - and you have revealed only that you've changed your mind about the very thing that most people are here to explore.

Inquiring list-members want to help, but they need your help to do so.

I have really thought hard of wanting badly to transition. Thinking of attractive changes my body would evolve into. I have a very androgynous figure so to see certain shapes of my body changing and feminising is really exciting. Maybe one day.

Morgan wrote:I have really thought hard of wanting badly to transition.

Hi, Morgan. I know you've got a supportive girlfriend and participate in the "scene" in SF, but somehow you sound isolated. You wouldn't want to come here and talk about your thoughts?