Dressing up is addicting. Kinda conflicted though...

[Elisa]

Hey girls, hope you are all doing fine, I know I haven't been around lately since a lot has happened in many aspects. Oh well...

How do I start... well... I've been slowly coming out to myself and to a few certain others. As I've mentioned on my introduction thread, my girlfriend does know, but she's on this "out of sight, out of mind" stance, which I can't really argue with. In the months that have passed since I kinda "quit resisting" I've been slowly discovering myself and enjoying that part of me which was consciously suppressed. I know the feeling of freedom has been great, I can't deny it at all.

Now... my girl has this fear that I keep on pushing the limit. I promised her I wouldn't do so and that I have clearly defined lines. Problem is, this IS addictive and ever evolving. I do not, by any means have an addictive personality, I don't smoke, drink occasionally with moderation and even more so with rare drug consumption (which I rarely even do). I don't have urges for anything normally considered as "addictive". But I've come to realize that the habit of cross dressing and acquiring clothes and what not, resembles somewhat to a substance consumption/abuse/dependency pattern. In my case, I compulsively think about womens clothes, and recently, I've been having to suppress the need to buy clothes. Granted, all this does NOT constitute a terrible or harmful thing to do, or at least it's apparently harmless. This, if you don't consider the social stress and negative factors associated with cross dressing (aside from mere social prejudices), such as in some cases: lying to an SO and all the stress and depressive moods, compulsive spending, lack of sexual drive/poor performance while not "en femme" or the necessity of an item, or at least an idea concerning to something feminine, etc.

So in essence, cross dressing seems more and more to me as a balancing act bordering paraphilias, substance consumption, borderline personality disorder, major depression syndrome, etc. I know that not everything that's in the DSM IV is written in stone and that there's still a lot of changes to it still not published in the upcoming DSM V. While "mental disorders" are "somewhat arbitrary" and ever changing, and defined mainly as a means to investigation or consensus in treatment, this is something that in my opinion, we should still keep in mind, or at least something that creeps mine.

I know that cross dressing, in essence is nothing wrong, but there ARE things that do lead to negative consequences and that I'm somewhat afraid of.

I forgot to say that I'm a psychologist, which is probably a source of more stress than relief while living through this ambivalent process. I also want to say that what I wrote is not necessary something deeply studied by myself, but a few thoughts that have crossed my mind and which I decided to post here as food for thought, since I'm not even sure now what I'm aiming at with this post lol.

Opinions, ideas?

Elisa

[Kelly]

How to respond, Elisa, that is the question. The signature in my user profile contains the phrase "conflicted and confused". Believe me, I have a lot of empathy with what you are expressing. The only thing I can do is respond within the context that I am establishing for myself.

In the cross dressers world, there is no such thing as normal. We view TheGreatGenderDivide as being irrelevant. With that view everything else that people in their so called real world call normal goes out the window. What this means is that what is naturally the Limits for you is probably not the Limits for your girl friend. That is a problem. Particularly, if you haven't discovered where your own Limits are yet.

The key to any successful relationship is compromise. The two of you will have to find a workable middle ground, where both of you my not get everything you want, but are at a place where both of your can thrive. It may not be totally comfortable for you and not totally comfortable for her, but a place where you can both exist a be happy with one another. If you want to be her partner, and she wants you as a partner, then you have to work together to find that place.

Here comes a bit of tough love, and I intended it to be heartfelt, not mean. If you can't find the common ground, then just maybe it isn't the right relationship. I hope not, but it's a distinct possibility. Better to find out now then a couple of years down the road.

In the spirit of full disclosure, and adding a bit of hypocrisy to what I just said. Know that I just admitted to myself what my true feeling are about the same time you were joining this forum. I am still trying to figure out how to 'come out' to my wife the 35+ years and know that the window of opportunity is closing fast. Believe me, I too am suffering from a great amount of angst. It could be clouding my response.

Next. There is a problem with a professional in the clinical fields engaging in self analysis and self diagnostics. There is no why for them to be objective. I get a sense that is happening with you. Refer yourself to a therapist that is knowledgeable in gender identity issues and respects the doctor/patient privilege convent. Go in as just another patient off the street and let them do the analysis.

Finally. What you are doing is not harmful. Mostly, [more tough love here]. If you are expanding your wardrobe at the expense of paying your rent/mortage or utility bills, then is harmful. 'Nuff said there.

Hope all of this helps.

Kelly.

[Rikki]

But I've come to realize that the habit of cross dressing and acquiring clothes and what not, resembles somewhat to a substance consumption/abuse/dependency pattern. In my case, I compulsively think about womens clothes, and recently, I've been having to suppress the need to buy clothes.

Elisa

That is the emotional strife that bothers me: my continuous "passion" to look at women's fashions, visit my favorite websites, surf eBay and YouTube and Flickr every day for visions of my petticoat passions. Also, rearranging my work and personal schedules so I can get more "Rikki-femme-petticoat" time. Those "compulsions" leave me with a bit of guilt from time to time.

I try to rationalize it as my "hobby/interest" like my wife's passion/need to be with her horse and horse-friends. Other people spend days and dollars on watching sports and other personal passions that to me make little sense when thinking about the return on investment, both time and money.

So if we can internally justify our personal passion/compulsion/addiction and it hurts no one else is it OK? Most of me says, "YES".

Rikki

[DonnaT]

I think you'll find that a number of people who have been denied certain things for a long time will be driven to acquire those things when free to do so.

Also, being trans to some degree, many of us have the same desires that some women have with respect to shopping and such.

It becomes a problem when you can't afford it and do it anyway.

It becomes a problem when it prevents you from taking part normal everyday activities.

[Elisa]

In the cross dressers world, there is no such thing as normal. We view TheGreatGenderDivide as being irrelevant. With that view everything else that people in their so called real world call normal goes out the window. What this means is that what is naturally the Limits for you is probably not the Limits for your girl friend. That is a problem. Particularly, if you haven't discovered where your own Limits are yet.

Now this is something that leaves me a bit of unease. I know that there are some lines I would definitely not cross. I know I'm not gay for instance. Besides, I know I won't ever make her accept me dressed up, but then again, there ARE things that are intrinsic to "being feminine", such as hair removal (now this is a matter of discussion on it's own... hardcore feminists could come at me hard on that matter lol), nail care, and what not, which are things I would enjoy, but which also push the limits on what she can accept.

The key to any successful relationship is compromise. The two of you will have to find a workable middle ground, where both of you my not get everything you want, but are at a place where both of your can thrive. It may not be totally comfortable for you and not totally comfortable for her, but a place where you can both exist a be happy with one another. If you want to be her partner, and she wants you as a partner, then you have to work together to find that place.

I consider that we are actually very committed to make our relationship last in a healthy and loving way.

Here comes a bit of tough love, and I intended it to be heartfelt, not mean. If you can't find the common ground, then just maybe it isn't the right relationship. I hope not, but it's a distinct possibility. Better to find out now then a couple of years down the road.

That's something that conflicts me big time as well... I mean, should I give up one of the greatest girls I've found in my life, for something of me that is "quittable"? There's a thin line between being true to oneself to being self centered... and it's a line which I always tread carefully on this subject, but it does make me feel somewhat guilty.

In the spirit of full disclosure, and adding a bit of hypocrisy to what I just said. Know that I just admitted to myself what my true feeling are about the same time you were joining this forum. I am still trying to figure out how to 'come out' to my wife the 35+ years and know that the window of opportunity is closing fast. Believe me, I too am suffering from a great amount of angst. It could be clouding my response.

Ouch... that must really be hard . I do wish you the very best!

Next. There is a problem with a professional in the clinical fields engaging in self analysis and self diagnostics. There is no why for them to be objective. I get a sense that is happening with you. Refer yourself to a therapist that is knowledgeable in gender identity issues and respects the doctor/patient privilege convent. Go in as just another patient off the street and let them do the analysis.

Finally. What you are doing is not harmful. Mostly, [more tough love here]. If you are expanding your wardrobe at the expense of paying your rent/mortage or utility bills, then is harmful. 'Nuff said there.

Hope all of this helps.

Kelly.

You're right about self analysis and self diagnostics... self analysis in a "clinical" mindset is not really the way to go for me right now. I'm actually considering picking therapy again.

Thank you for your reply!

[Elisa]

Rikki -

I know what you say... And I'm with you on the fact that as long as it hurts no one it's okay. But then again... there is a line between an interest/hobby and a compulsive obsession. How good are we able to control it? (if we WANT to do so, clearly).

I think I might come out as being negative to this all.. I might be over thinking things... I do want to be completely guilt-free and enjoy myself fully... but in the end I come to be my worst enemy.

I don't know... I've even called myself a "fag" or "stupid" (in a derogative way) after the pink fog clears up. It's almost as if there's a huge homophobic bastard living inside of me that pops up at a random minute's notice to give me crap lol.



*** Post edited to remove redundant quote, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Diane Hoffrau]

Elisa
IMO
We are all human
For the most part biologicly we are either a man or a woman
While simplisticly gender is thought of to be binary too
the reality is that it is a continum
There are girly girls and manly men
and girly men and manly woman

Once we accept that premise we can consider ourselves to be normal

The way women and men dress is subject to social norms
but those norms change over time

In an enlightened world what we wear wouldn't matter
If you like it go for it

For transgendered people like myself we often time find that we can flaunt social custom
I now wear clear gel nails all the time - with color on the toes
I underdress
I wear only womans jeans
You know what I have found?
No one realy cares
(well- the wife cares but that is a whole other posting)

Many of us have had to supress out wants and needs for a long time
When we unleash ourselves we can get over exhuberant

This is going long so let me finish up

The starting point is to begin to love and accept ourselves as normal
and accept that we should have the same rights and privledges as the other half of the population
After that -- it all becomes clearer and a lot more fun!

Be mighty happy
Diane

[Elisa]

Thanks Diane! I think I'm slowly starting to love myself as I really am. At least from the inside out... gradually. But getting there. Which is not to say that I don't like the way I am, I do for the most part, but it's this "new" part of myself I'm slowly getting to grips.

[Anthony Simon]

My main feeling is you're just at the start of this. Like, although it's been an aspect of your life for a long time, it's only recently you've decided that you need to do it and not feel guilty the whole time.

So that's a big change and all the repressed stuff is bound to come out in a flood (Donna's point). It is true that the pink fog does tend to drag (oops, pun) people into self-destructive positions - including ones where they walk all over their partner's sensibilities - but you seem only too well aware of those problems.

I can quite see where your SO is coming from when she says she's concerned that you're going to be continuously testing the boundaries. I mean if you've got this explosive lot of stuff inside you, previously repressed, it probably doesn't know what its boundaries are.

Myself I tend to look at psychological development as somewhat contingent - and that includes my CDing - which, I'm afraid, implies that some sort of testing of the boundaries is inevitable.

So in essence, cross dressing seems more and more to me as a balancing act bordering paraphilias, substance consumption, borderline personality disorder, major depression syndrome, etc.

The thing is, in the end you have to have a degree of faith in yourself. Like, plainly people have both (self-)destructive urges and more positive ones. So then CDing can be like that too. Maybe it's hard to fight your way through all the conflicts to where you get to more or less integrate the CDing in your life, but...

The one thing about you coming on here, outing yourself to other people etc, is it allows you to expand the zone in which you're Elisa without getting too much in your SO's face.

[Erica S]

I agree with these posts here. I too feel the more I try to resist dressing is the more I neeed to dress. I have so much conflict these days I feel as I am going to burst. I just want to come out and say, this is who I am and I wish to be accepted.

Erica

[Ralitsa]

There are a lot of things in this, and I agree that it seems like you are just at the beginning of sorting through all of these questions to find your own answers.
Your SO doesn't want you testing the boundaries; is that only as it relates to this subject, or is it her personality in general? Does she not want any unusual attention drawn towards her because of you; is she worried that you might be injured, harrassed, ridiculed, etc? Is she so concerned about fitting in with her social group that she will never question any traditional norm? If the two of you have fundamental differences of opinion about questioning societal norms, then that is one problem. If she is concerned that you will lose your job, that is a different problem.

The word "addiction" has been applied to so many things that I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean anymore. The only real meaning that it has left, is that the person using the word does not approve of the behavior in question. A too intense attachment to any subject can be destructive to one's self and others. My list of the top 10 most destructive behaviors are (in decending order):
religion
sports
television
sugar
alcohol
fast cars
gambling
other drugs
texting while driving
buying bottled water
Note that I don't consider any of them inherently evil, just that they are the ones which most frequently get out of control. "Wearing cute clothes" doesn't make the top 100 list (shoes might though )

And trying to suppress something which is an inherent part of yourself is probably not healthy either. I'm only speaking for myself now, but I am a lot happier, more confident, more productive, and drink less than before I embraced and allowed myself to enjoy wearing clothes that I like. Often the boundaries need to be broken, we all know dozens of examples of that. But it isn't easy and it's usually not safe to be the one who does it.

[Mike P.]

I have to agree with most of what the others said, as long as you're not hurting yourself, and it's making you happy, that's all that matters. It helps to have others to share our thoughts with, which is why I'm so glad we have this forum. I'm in social work, so I can understand what your struggling as far as the psychological aspect, and much of what we do is part of the addiction issue. I'm glad that Ralitsa mentioned so many other addictions that people have, including I like you have bottled water, although don't agree sports is an addiction. I recently through research learned that my problem of complaining is an addiction as well, which is a tough one to change, but that's why we talk to others, to learn to change, while accepting who we are. I also agree that maybe you need to see if this is the right relationship, but then again, I haven't been in one for a long time, so I'm no expert on that.


*** Post edited to remove redundant quote, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Anne Bonny]

I believe feeling relaxed and finding balance is helping me. Like shaving my legs and glossing my toenails with red because I like smooth legs, and seeing the pretty nails make me feel happy and connected some how. Wearing lingerie is another freebie I wear a 42 A but a 38A eventually stretches out and is comfortable and firm support, Secret Lavender deoderant. these touches are not really apparent outwardly with my male clothing, perhaps adding an article of feminine clothing would even be possible and not noticed to men at least women are very observant! Lavender in close company would be noticed, as would the outlines of a bra under thin clothing or buttons that are Right over Left. Still a female Polo in a color that can be worn by a man is not too obvious, Red, Navy, Black, White as opposed to pale blue, pale yellow, light green or pink. Women's shorts are a little shorter and must be slim in the hips. There are ways to cross dress that would not be noticed unless people observe closely not likely except areas like a check out line or shopping where people are congregated standing or close. In that case female outer garments are a definite no, but at home can be ok. It is about being comfortable enough to answer the door, or go out in the yard confident that I will not be detected and that is important - a key point to being able to live without feeling deprived of dressing as I desire when I am feeling more feminine and need to soak it in and savor that beautiful feeling. Sometimes I desire to go farther but for everyday and having a mixed gender sometimes I feel masculine male, some days partly feminine and need a degree of feminine in my dressing, sometimes I feel feminine female and want to be really feminine in a pretty dress or skirt and top, with my wig and full make up and jewelry otherwise touches of the feminine give me relief and contentment.

[Mike P.]

I read somewhere that we can also dress in some ways that are more masculine, maybe a bracelet or something attractive made for men that still makes us feel good about ourselves. I've been struggling with how I see so many attractive women in the street, and even though I may not want to meet them, or maybe I do, it's the not getting noticed that bothers me. Being a CD, I think we like being attractive, and looked at, even if we are not meeting someone, so I started wearing ties again with my collar shirts, and do notice some glances. It's not addictive to want to look good, and feel good about yourself, as long as you don't take it far, spending lots of money on it.

[Erica S]

Dressing is very addicting. I got home from work a few minutes ago and already had to put on a bra with a top my wife got recenty. The top is like a jacket top buttons down the front, it has a black fabric that is smooth, the sleeves are seethrougt white cimoline kind of material with black button cuffs. It is very feminine. I just had to dress for a few as I miss being able to dress more often. I am very conficted as what I should be doing. Each day draws me closer to wanting to be a feminine verson of myself. I do appricate the clothing, etc better than men's stuff.

Hugs,

Erica