Looking for clear skys

[Kelly]

When I first joined the forum, I said that I needed a forum. A place of dialog; somewhere where I could put all my feelings into perspective.

The very first set of advice I received was from DonnaT: “Don't get lost in the pink fog and get too carried away too fast.” Wise words. I didn’t get carried away, in the real world anyway – probably got way to carried away here….

But it is still foggy.

You see, the first person I “came out” was myself. Happened last August. It has been a whirlwind of self discovery. If, even, a year ago you would have told me the SA at dress barn would light up and greet me when I walked in, and that I would be scoring the racks and that I would be asking when the next sale would be I would have accused you of being from a different planet. But that is what is happening.

But it is still foggy.

I still have the days that I am totally distracted. Unable to function. I have spend more time since labor day maintaining my nails then I have in the previous 30 years. My fantasy football team simply s***ed this year. I missed the year end run up in the stock market. I haven’t done any meaningful math in the last five months. In public I checkout every woman’s earrings and how they coordinate; in fact, I stop into places just so I see what is current fashion.

It is still really foggy.

I can intellectualize. There is a new priority in my life, it has to settle into the other priorities in you live. Sorting it all out takes time. I say to myself, Kelly you can’t learn in weeks what it takes a GG years to understand.
The fog is still thick.

Don’t get me wrong. I am more at piece, I have a clearer understanding of myself. I am not a tormented sole.

But do I have to understand in this thick fog.

So I am sure I am not the first (or the last) to go through this. I guess what I want to know is where will the fog clear up. I have been in it so long I am not sure I would recognize a clear sky when I saw it!

Just reassure me that things eventually clear up.

Thanks all, really glad to have you,
Kelly.

[Anthony Simon]

Well, you've got that one big CDing event - when you went to a dressing service and then went out as Kelly for a day. But then, after that, everything has been relatively small scale, with you buying stuff, talking here...

I don't know, that has always struck me, the discontinuity between the two. Like there was your ideal day, with you dressing up and going out and being with a mentor and then what came next.

The problem with me is I'm quite conflicted about my CDing. It means that part of me really, really doesn't like the idea of dressing up because it affects my idea of who I am. But there's also the problem that my CDing can easily become a way of me hiding from the world so that I disappear into the pink fog.

With me, it helped me to see my analyst when the going got tough. I don't know if that is appropriate to you, but you probably need to take some sort of initiative.

[Gillian]

If it helps, I can relate to this also. In my case, one of the things that I did to help was to underdress every day. How did it help, at first it helped me to take the focus off of looking at every woman and what they were wearing. It moved me from oh I would love to wear that, to an I am wearing this, but no one but me knows it. This over time has settled down to more of a quick look at the clothes and thinking of whether the whole outfit comes together, or not. I do occasionally see something that does cause me to go deep end, but not so often anymore. For me having a choice of cami's, panties, to wear keeps me with choices of my own. Yea, the fog still rolls in, but in a more controlled sense because I daily I am making my own underdressing choices.

In my case, I have an understanding wife, she allows me to dress as I like around the home front. If the fog starts to roll in, I dress up a little more according to how the thick the fog is. Maybe it is putting on just some hose and a skirt, if the fog is thicker it is more. I never go the whole nine yards, but attempt to gauge the fog and dress up just enough to keep it at bay. Why, myself I find that if I go all the way every time the fog starts to roll in, then when it is very very thick, I have no recourse left, nothing left to add. I use the amount of items that I can add to help with the levels of thickness that the fog can come in. I usually save personal shopping to the very very heavy fog times. Saving the shopping to special times heightens the joy of getting something, it also helps with the pocketbook.

I like to think that I am looking for balance in my life, so I weigh out how to keep things in prospective, and then use controlled measures to help deal with fog issues.

PS: My fantasy football team made to finals this year, a miracle, but didn't get beyond the first round. Everything in life has its ups and downs, it is how we handle these times that determines who we are and our character. Are you a Seahawks fan? I have been to one game in Seattle, what a noisy stadium.

[Sarah Beth]

I would like to tell you that the fog lifts and things clear up but I just can't. I don't think it ever completely lifts for me. I sometimes get distracted for awhile and don't thing about it, sometimes I am so involved in my male activities and life, which I do enjoy most aspects of, that I am not just aware of it at that time. However, as soon as there is that bit of time that moment, those feelings are there and all I can thingn about is a dress a skirt how a bra would feel on me.

Gillian is so right about underdressing helping with the feelings. Just that little bit of something there helps.

Just enjoy it as much as you an when you can and know that in those moments when you can't that you are still that you that is partly feminine.

[Requal Jo]

Kelly. Confidence comes with time. It takes time to adjust to new feelings and behaviours. Take one day at a time and believe in yourself. By sharing with the girls in this forum, you have taken the first step in openly sharing your experiences.

As stated the fog will rise and clear sky will eventuate. Enjoy each moment and soon things will become clear and fulfilling for you.

[Kelly]

Thanks all for the caring responses.

Anthony, you provide a good insight. For years and years I kept my feelings so tucked away that I could almost ignore them. Then I had a big bang event. Since then, baby steps.

Not that the steps haven't been positive. For example, I DO take better care of myself, worrying over figure was enough become serious about getting my body/mass index into the normal range (there were other reasons, just not enough reasons to make me serious about it). My skin now feels sooo much better.

As I said earlier, I am more at peace with myself now that I have given myself permission to feel the way I feel.

But the positive come with distractions. I am dropping balls that I have never dropped before - some of them frivolous, some not, nothing critical, yet. It is just frustrating at times.

So, I get that the fog really doesn't completely go away. Sometimes it will be thicker than others. The important thing is to develop the right coping mechanisms. Still in the early part of the learning curve, I guess.

Kelly

[Eileen (SO)]

I'm trying to understand what this 'Pink Fog' you ladies experience really is. Is it when the desire to dress feminine becomes so overwhelming that no other distraction will do? Or more like the urge to shop for pretty things you don't really need, but you do because you're dressed and want to buy things for your femme self? I'm sure the Fog feeling is different for everybody.

My husband gets antsy when he hasn't been out in awhile and seems more at ease after a Girls Night Out. He does his online chatting dressed, but not made up. That helps for the between meeting times. He gets excited when catalogs arrive in his femme name. Actually, since we were getting many of the same ones, I stopped mine and we share 'hers'. Funny that he doesn't give a hoot when men's shirts or jeans go on sale, but when skirts, tops or shoes are marked down, he's all over the pages, checking out possibilities. He doesn't buy much, minding our budget, he now gets the shopping while on sale fun women enjoy.
His explanation of the Pink Fog was 'doing something or acting too much like a woman when you know you're not'. Much too vague to understand, and it better not mean that men are involved. Wifey here will not tolerate that much role play. I don't think he really knows when he's in a fog or not.

Eileen

[Anthony Simon]

...the positive come with distractions. I am dropping balls that I have never dropped before - some of them frivolous, some not, nothing critical, yet. It is just frustrating at times.

To me, this seemed like the key thing you were saying. I mean, you absolutely don't want it to get to the point where it is critical. The trouble is, it's not entirely clear from your posts - either in this thread or elsewhere, what you can do about it.

The one thing you did come up with in this thread was:

For years and years I kept my feelings so tucked away that I could almost ignore them. Then I had a big bang event. Since then, baby steps.

If you take that image of "a big bang event" seriously, then the day you had at the dressing service and then venturing into the outside world as Kelly saw the birth of a whole new universe of feelings for you. Actually looked at like that, your statement looks like a story of a long gestation (those "years and years") followed by a birth (the "big bang"), followed by, erm, "baby steps" appropriate for the young and vulnerable.

Maybe what is happening now is, having successfully negotiated the period after the "birth" of Kelly, that you have a need to take some, somewhat, bigger steps.

[Paulette]

I'm trying to understand what this 'Pink Fog' you ladies experience really is.

Nobody knows exactly what it is, but I suspect almost everyone here has experienced it to some degree at some time. The name is apt - one does feel as if moving through a dreamlike fog. "Pink" is a reference to femininity, though for me that is epitomized by black lace or translucent nylon.

Some descriptions have compared it to an epileptic aura, or to a drug high. Often feelings of danger from the risk of discovery are part of the fog of excitement.

At its strongest it is a whole mind/body experience of the anticipation of complete sexual fulfillment as a female. At its weakest it is simply the feeling of being sexy and desirable, or just "looking good!" -- something I expect everyone, male and female, has experienced.

(Reading what I've just written, I'm reminded Billy Crystal's SNL parody of Ricardo Montalban, whose criterion of excellence was looking or feeling marvelous, and his expression, with a parody of a Castillian accent, that "You, look maahvelouss!")

I've very purposefully NOT read anyone else's description of the Pink Fog before putting my own thoughts down, and I've tried hard to capture the essence of it for me. Please (everyone) let me know how much or little this describes your own experience of the Pink Fog.

[Anita]

This thread seems like a good one--there's a lot going on here that interests me to read. Every post has something in it that I nod my head 'yes' about, even if my experience has been different. For instance, I think underdressing can be useful for reducing the pressure level, even though it has never worked for me.

Paulette wrote:

Nobody knows exactly what it is, but I' suspect almost everyone here has experienced it to some degree at some time. The name is apt - one does feel as if moving through a dreamlike fog where one anticipates or to some degree has given in to the desire to dress, behave and experience oneself as a completely sexual female

I think this is an accurate definition. I’m not trying to sugar-coat it, but I would substitute "attractive" for "completely sexual," because that description covers both the sexual and non-sexual reasons. Some people want to be attractive for sexual purposes, yes. But others just want to be attractive. I've read more than once that many CDs feel a desire to be as attractive a woman as they can be, while at the same time saying that they're not attracted to men. This is contradictory, of course. Women are not generally attracted to us, as has been pointed out more than once on here. Yet we want to be attractive!

Some of this may be denial, but my trans girlfriend points out that being attractive and/or beautiful is such a high goal for women in our society, that it has value just for itself. She's saying that wives want to dress attractively, and it's not about attracting someone else, or even attracting their husbands--it's about feeling like one is presenting a 'best self' to the world in general. It may be harder to understand why a man would have a desire to do this. All I can say from my own experience is that it is a “high” like nothing else I ever encountered. As a performer, I’ve been admired for being an attractive man, but there’s no comparison between the attention a man receives and the attention a woman receives. I've wanted to present an attractive appearance for all kinds of reasons, and sexual reasons were among them. It's not been the only reason, though. Women may not be attracted to me when I'm being female, but their compliments mean a lot to me.

[Kelly]

Anthony, Your comments, ring sound. I am due bigger steps. Could be they scare me so much that the distractions come from me wanting to not screw up while taking them. Once the genie is out of the bottle and all that .....

I am serious about the big bang event. Continuing on the scientific metaphor, I am an electron accumulating enough energy to jump to the next outer shell. [Hey, what can I say, I paid enough attention in chemistry class to make analogies out of the lessons ].

[Kelly]

Eileen,

You ask a very good question. You deserve a good answer, I can only try to describe it from my own perspective. I will give you my immediate reaction, but reserve the right to come back with more after a few hours (days?) of contemplation.

There have been two attempts before me to describe it. Paulette's definition, which Anita expands upon almost nails it. Like Anita, I don't think "sexual female" is quiet right. I would say "genetic female". Probably a quibble, but the term "sexual" is so semantically loaded to be dangerous and distracting.

I for one subscribe to the notion that gender identity and sexual identity are distinct. My sexual identity is pretty firm and solid. I find women sexually desirable. No way to sugar coat it. If, while dressed, I were 'hit on' by a male I'd probably freak out. (I'm guessing that the man in you life is in the same boat). [On re-read I still think that is the case, but you never know. Men are such idiots around women; after all,I'm a card carrying idiot. I might let the idiot buy me a drink, have a dance and then get the hell out of dodge! Hard to say, never know till the improbable happens].

Now, my gender identity is, well lets just say, ambiguous. Truth be told, I am more male than female. But I am an intensely curious person. Because of my curiosity, I wonder a lot about the female perspective. At times I wonder if the female or male perspectives are even different. Who knows? That is the allure, finding out.

Right now (could be different in the future) I want to experience the world as a women. Not in my den, not in my kitchen, not in my bedroom; in the world. Basically, the girl club looks like fun. Want to crash the party. I'm sure there are some not so fun parts, but I'm not interested in those. Is this attitude myopic? You bet, its my fantasy, my desire. I spend a lot of time and effort making my family and others comfortable and happy; so this is the refuge I choose.

Those are my whys. Lets transition to the what is the pink fog. Passing is important to me.

Passing is a hard task as I have a skeleton that only a fullback could love. I am luckier on the hair front; it is controllable (except for the mustache area). Facially, my brow is definitely male; but jaw line, chin, and cheeks are androgynous. Eyebrows are inset (blow the brow line), small, and translucent. Last summer, my skin was a mess, lots of wrinkles on my face and neck that has gotten better. But there are really ugly blemishes on my legs. Corns on my feet (think a permanent pebble under the ball of your foot) altering my gate. I was on the verge of obese, now just overweight. Dealing with those.

In part the pink fog is dealing with all of these issues. And a lot more than I haven't mentioned. Like, how to walk, and swing arms. How to cross ones legs. How many inches can I take off my waist. What is the right size for boobs, how many inches need to be added to my hips. Am I really willing to do something invasive (so far no)? Tons of tons of mechanical details. Some dealing with what I can control, like loosing weight (which I have done). Others I can't do much about, like how do you disguise broad shoulders. A lot of time can go into worrying about these things.

That is part of the pink fog.

But these, as they say, are implementation details. Each involves effort, easy to focus on, and easy to change. Relatively at least. The important ones is dealing with the ones you love, and what it means to them. What is the consequences of them knowing. Screw that up, and your life as you know it is over.

How do I introduce Kelly to the woman whom I would rather die than live without? I have read your accounts, Eileen, I don't what to make her go through the kind of anguish you encountered. I feel some guilt asking her to embrace my conditions without providing a way for her to benefit. (I expressed this poorly). How do I introduce Kelly to my kids. Should I? (that is a rhetorical question, I know. Nobody here can answer it).

Maybe I need to find a group where I can have my occasional girls night out. Don't know if that would do it.

That is why I blather on in this forum rather than sleep. That is the pink fog, the important part.

But there is more to the fog. There are times - like days at end. That these are the questions that preoccupy my every thought. To the point that is crowds out every thing else. While driving, for example, I missed a pedestrian (dressed in black before the sun came up) the other day because of my distraction. No harm no foul 'cause I slammed on the breaks before it was too late. Almost missed paying some bills 'cause or preoccupation. Worrying about all of the details expands to consume all available thought.

I have little more (maybe less) than a layman's understanding of physiology. But to my layman understanding it is almost like and OCD condition. All the details about passing and all the details about coming out of the closet to the ones I love are just overwhelming. No other rational thought or action can come in. Like I said earlier, balls get dropped; and it is frustrating.

That is the pink fog for me. I have always thought pink is pretty, but this is hell.

Kelly.

[Eileen (SO)]

Thanks for all your personal responses to my question, but we should not stray far from Kelly's original post.
Certainly, I understand using the color Pink, duh. The Fog part is hard to define. Accepting that a part of your male brain identifies as female, to different degrees for each individual. It's well known that women operate on a more emotional level than men. But we grew up with those emotions. The average male does not seem to know to handle these emotions. Getting dressed female allows these emotions to surface and seems like a strange experience. You're in a 'fog' of emotions not used to.
The 'Dumb Blond' jokes are offensive, yet having a 'blond moment' becomes an excuse for a bad decision. Our Pink Fog.
Truth be known, the times when nothing is ready for dinner and we just want to go out instead. Getting dressed up, even casually, is a time to be out in public looking semi-pretty. Like a piece of art, to be admired, but not touched, women enjoy being noticed for the right reasons, looking attractive.

Kelly, the sky only clears when you accept your female emotions as a normal feeling.

Have I got this mostly right?

Eileen

[Anita]

Kelly, I would definitely recommend finding a support group. My experience is that just being there and listening to others' stories will begin to tell you more about who you are right now. It's also a place where you can be the female "you," if you want to be, and you can see how that feels.

I have little more (maybe less) than a layman's understanding of physiology. But to my layman understanding it is almost like and OCD condition. All the details about passing and all the details about coming out of the closet to the ones I love are just overwhelming. No other rational thought or action can come in. Like I said earlier, balls get dropped; and it is frustrating.

That is the pink fog for me. I have always thought pink is pretty, but this is hell.

It sounds like you may be in the kind of pain I was in around this subject. Like you say, that pain was not going to be dulled by dressing up in the den at home. Pain is a powerful motivator. It made me go out in public as a woman, not knowing what I'd face out there, but having to do it anyway.

My trans girlfriend was sure that I would transition; that all my between-gender life was just stalling. Ten years later, I've proven her wrong, but I'm a strange bird in that regard. Most gals that feel as much pain as I felt never want to go back to male dressing. For whatever reason, just knowing that I could be female when I needed to be was enough. I have not needed to be fulltime. But I remember a day at work after a night out as Anita, where I had to go off in private and cry my eyes out. I knew very well that living fulltime was not going to solve all my problems, but there was something very powerful in being a woman at that time. I won't deny that some of the pain I still carry is gender related, but it's not so bad that I need to disrupt my whole existence and transition.

Eileen wrote:

Getting dressed female allows these emotions to surface and seems like a strange experience. You're in a 'fog' of emotions not used to.

I'd say it's more like the emotions were always very close to the surface. We're not used to their full expression, because they don't fit a male presentation; they're inappropriate, or even taboo in some cases. Once the appearance fits the emotions, they start to surface automatically. In another post, I wrote about how I began touching people more as a woman, and women began touching me--it was suddenly OK to do that, and people were not scared. This is such a major shift in behavior that it's hard to get used to.

[Anthony Simon]

.His explanation of the Pink Fog was 'doing something or acting too much like a woman when you know you're not'.

I can relate to that in that my idea of "the pink fog" is when the CDing impulses impairs my judgement. Like there is an element in CDing of wishing to do stuff. But those wishes can sometimes overwhelm your reality testing.

For me that's when the pink fog happens, when you mistake your wishes for what is realistically possible.