Crossdressers-Haven.com

22 y/o Job hopping, out of work, living off my dime here at home, refused all the funding I have to provide a university education in the field of his choice to bottom fish and marry to live hand to mouth. My younger son is all A's so far in his first year...pre law and loving it! The 22 y/o moves from project to project, is compulsive and does not seem to be capable of getting his act together. I told him this morning when he was young a psychiatrist diagnosed him with ADHD....you should consider going to see a psychologist to look into that before you turn 23 and lose your health care coverage, so you could be more focused ... He said "You're the one who needs to see a psychiatrist!" Well...I defended myself that I am very focused and responsible. Have a master's level education, had a full and successful career in a very demanding field, have managed and continue to mange my investments very well without having lost a penny, and have a good income in retirement. That I am helping him, putting his brother through school and taking care of his mother.... I have been transgender my entire life and am the same today as I have always been but I am not going to suppress it anymore. If he does not like it move out. I asked are Gays crazy? No, so I said neither are those who are transgender...he disagreed. I said the only difference is for gays it is orientation, for transgender people it is gender. He refused to concede.

That is why I was wishing there were someway to prove it...but all of psychiatry is subjective, they will lead you to go where ever you want ....they will assist you to try to stop or to come out. Genetics...well even facts will be denied if data were available to people like this.

It is just a frustrating thing these idiots will never accept we are who we are. We have lived with it our entire life and know but we have to accept even with persuasive studies, there is no proof and no changing the mind of those who want to deny reality and to reject us as being "crazy."

No psychiatrist necessary, Anne. An ancient home remedy is coffee. Several cups to start the day for him, and then top off as needed. Also, replace all fluorescents in the house with LEDs or old incandescent bulbs. May not make a bit of difference, but then it might.

The deal with ADHD is very similar to that with Aspies: too much to process at any given time due to inadequate filters. White noise (background music, but not elevator music) may help to shield him from distraction. Emotionally he may feel your pain (and probably did so long before he knew you were trans) but has no way to deal with it other than blocking - shutting you out and insisting that you "behave as expected." So, the more self-accepting and relaxed you are, the more he may be able to be when around you.

Speed up the processing with coffee (and hope he never discovers speed), get rid of the strobing lights (it's like being in a rave), and allow the white noise and even lighting to fill up the cracks and smooth out the bumps in his perception.

Give it a week or two and see if things get better. And trust me: I'm not a doctor but I've played one in public and private schools for many years.

As I grow more mature in my life, with all my experiences, positive and negative, struggle with confusion as to why I feel a need to crossdress, struggle with hiding it from all others as if it's some perversion, struggle with myself accepting my femme side as Lacey and so on and so on. I find that many of these struggles in whole or in part but one thing is for sure.YOU, ME, WE can't in of ourselves change what others may think. We can be there to answer questions, to open up as to who we are and what we may do, to go about living our lives as typical males and as our femme selves showing that we are just like other people. We can lead by being positive examples and live trying to be confident. It is not always easy and we each are on different levels. But to allow others to out of ignorance try to make us feel bad, guilty or somehow sick is wrong. Lord knows most if not all of us have done such to ourselves long enough during our lives.

Though no person wishes for rejection as such is hurtful, in time we have to asses how much damage fear of possible rejection may give us. In other words, if others in our life, family, friends, neighbours, coworkers would rather judge us badly and besmirch us as fellow humans and as such we are doing nothing to harm them by our actions, well we each may have to just cut these folks out of our lives if and where possible. I know with family it may not be so easy, with coworkers it may not be so easy. Thus we must tread carefully as to our femme side. But in the end, each of us, our own life is ours to live, not for others to live through us or by freely and often hatefully manipulating us.

This understanding and balancing act is the hardest part of us wishing to be free to live our lives but still be accepted and respected. Again I'm certain none of us want to hurt others with our femme side. Most of us would welcome discussion and an ability to explain and try to relate how we feel as we crossdress with others, especially those whom we care for and love.

Most of us who identify as being crossdressers or by its more historic name transvestites learn to know as we grow with time that it will not go away. Most of if not all of us at times fought this side of us. In time most of us will relent and realize the fight is not only futile but wrong and only costs us time and emotional value. NO PSYCHIATRIST will change such as it's not an illness, just as being left handed is not, just as being blue,green, brown eyed is not, just as being light or dark haired or skinned is not. We can accept others not understanding why we feel a need to do this, but we can hope and expect others to accept us and understand that it is a part of who we are.

Those who say they love us and enjoy being friends with us should not hold conditions to said love and friendship. Though in life people can do things to cost them of love and friendship from others, these are generally of heinous and or hurtful things done to these other people. Crossdressing is not heinous nor hurtful to others. Confusing to some? YES! But confusion can be dealt with by open discussions.

To a crossdresser this is a part of us and if we can keep a good state of mind helps make us healthy and happier people who then can share such with them including those we call friends and loved ones. Example, today I dolled myself up as Lacey, my new wig, nice make up job, comfy pull over sweater and my light blue "jeggings" (nicely tucked , ) stepped into a pair of black suede, spike heeled ankle boots and while dressed I was in a peaceful and rather joyus state of mind. Why would any true friend or loved one not want me/us to be at peace with myself/ourselves enfemme? I know it's not an easy question to answer as we again fear rejection, misunderstanding and ill will, but it may be things we each in our own way have to deal with.

I just wish to end my post here with a and another comfy teddy bear like hug.

Huh...gee..never heard about lighting...I am by attrition changing all the bulbs over to the very expensive led's so that conversion is in the works...we do have florescent lighting in the kitchen...hum. He does drink coffee but not sure it is every morning like myself. I do have music on for his mother on occasion but have been just leaving the TV blaring on as noise believing she may like hearing human voices, not sure how much processing is going on yet she will respond rarely with a yes.

He is going to move out...but the marriage is not until April of next year at which time he plans to apply for the Coast Guard which I advised due to the benefits of dependable income, working with a good group of motivated people, health and dental care and housing for his spouse...part of the reason they are waiting until they are married for him to join - or so he has led me to believe. It is his life, his idea, his choice not mine. I did not see him bypassing a university education to find a professional career but it is his life at 22.

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Right we are free to be who we are, they are free not to like it - fine! And they can be very good at manipulating us emotionally by making us feel bad or to question ourselves or to just push us over into unwillingly suppressing our femm side, altering our desire to dress because we are feeling they are offended and do not want to see it therefore.

If we get up in the morning and feel we want to slip right in to the clothing which fits how we are feeling it is a killer for me to feel ....no...and then feel the need to suppress. I hate that because then I am not allowing myself to freely be who I am. I should not be so sensitive but my femm side is kind of like that...Anne does not go where she is not wanted but this is my home! Sometimes I am able to shake it off and be strong...but then the manipulation can cause me to question myself at times. There is always under dressing. Too sensitive! My fortitude does fluctuate.

I am the same person I have always been...what others have not seen is the internal struggle and the feeling of being torn inside by an internal tension between my masculine and feminine side. They did not see it outwardly because I hid or suppressed it...it took a long time to begin to allow my femm side to dress and live openly when it comes upon me. Transvestite...cross dresser...transgender....I like gender fluid because it is my gender which drives me at times feeling more one way or the other. I know it is very strange for people to see let alone to understand and many do not want to expend any time considering and just want to cut us down by calling us crazy because they do not want to see us. They do not realize and refuse to believe - they strongly deny that they are rejecting much of or nearly half of who we are as people...well at least the gender component which they do not understand when it is opposite that of our sex.

We are ambassadors though...there are so few of us that we may only be one of a handful of our kind many people will see or experience in their lifetimes. We are just normal people.

I believe the model of myself that I have in mind is that of a very normal person...who is eccentric we are unique and we certainly bring a bit of color to life. So what's so bad about being our own person, a true individual? Nothing.

My son's objections are hurtful, but he is immature and may represent a life long rejection of this part of this part of who I am...but it will not alter who I am.

Some see therapy, to use your words Anne "seeing a physchiatrist" is a be-all cure-all. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Anne if you were telling your son that he needs therapy because he doesn't accept your feminine side is no different than telling someone they need to see a minister if they are atheist. There will never be 100% acceptance of any concept, group, ideology, etc. be it transgenderism or being Republican or Democrat! The more controversial the issue the more polarizing it can be. Therapy is about self-discovery and/or helping one through tough times I should know, been to a therapist many times, the first a gender therapist as I tried to find myself back in the 70's. I continued with her for several years even after my surgery to help me understand myself and my feelings as well as the feelings of others towards the "new" me. The other time was after my first husband passed. I then went to a therapist who specialized in grief therapy. Through his help as well as a group therapy I made it through some pretty dark times.

Anne IMHO the issue here is to use a 60's phrase your son needs to find himself. As one who obviously went through a phase of self discovery I can fully empathize with him. However from some of your posts you are enabling hi! (Does that make sound like my mother? ) He is 22 yo old and yet to even take a sliver if responsibility for his own life. Maybe it is time for some tough love here. Tell him if he wants to live under your roof there are some rules and don't let him hand you that "I'm an adult" crap! BTW, if the tries that tell him yes he is legally but emotionally he is acting like a spoiled 15 year old because from what I read he is. Give him some responsibilities around the house, they don't have be major or even a lot of them but things he can well handle like the grass, taking out the garbage, etc. After all if he wants to act like a 15 year old treat him as such. Also give him a time frame, say a month, then he starts to paying room and board. Nothing major, even $50 a week but tell him when it is due, the day after his payday would be perfect, and yes it is his responsibility to pay it. Take that rent money he gives you and put it away for him. It may take a bit but he will come to his senses and thank you, then you can give him that money back to start his new life.

I know you may think these measures are harsh but I have seen friends do this with their kids and the changes that happen over time are 95% of the time for the good. Sure there are risks but I think the rewards far outweigh those. I am sure he will threaten to miove out but even if he does he will discover that world is cold and cruel and even your mild demands are a cakewalk next to the harshness of the real world. Good luck, sounds like you need it.

Anne Bonny wrote:I did not see him bypassing a university education to find a professional career but it is his life at 22.

Anne,

I taught in a small college for 29 years. The worse students that I had were the ones fresh out of high school with the tuition being paid by "mom and dad"!

The best students I had were the ones who were either, fresh out of the military or the ones who recently lost their job do to a factory closure! These people had been knocked around a bit and were ready and willing to do something to improve their status in life. They made teaching a pleasure.

It may be stressful for you to see your son get married and join the Coast Guard, but give it time and you may see him mature right before your eyes and when he is ready, that university education may be something he actually wants and is ready to work to attain.

CE

Thanks. I have come to see everyone is different, some just take longer to figure it out so I have let go and am willing to let him find his own way, still at some point he is going to have to move out of my house because he is an adult.