My thoughts on coming out to my wife - Pandoras Box?

[JennyLynn]

The base line first. I've been married for 15 years to a wonderful woman who around 7 years ago lost all interest in sex. That's not what I need help on, although keep it in mind.
I have often thought of what might happen if I came out, how I would come out and what the ultimate ramifications might be if I did. Here are my thoughts.
A. She would completely freak out and say she can't deal with that and leave me.
B. She would quiz me and querie me as to what is wrong with me and suggest I get psychiatric help. Low possibility
C. She might distance herself for awhile and maybe slowly bring it up in one of the "we have to talk" times. At which point there might be a couple of sub-categories that will arise.
1. I don't want to ever see you like that, but I guess I can understand since I never have sex with you.
2. Why do you do it? How long? What do you do when you dress? When do you do it? A thousand questions that leave me twisting in the wind as to the conclusion she will draw.
3. She might actually get curious (the best reaction) and ask to see me that way sometime. At which here lies the ultimate sub-category.
A. She gets turned on and maybe ignites the flame that has been missing for 7 years.
B. She's totally disgusted and then I have to deal with the humiliation.
Of these, A is the category that excites me and scares me the most. What if she only gets turned on when I'm femme? What a rejection of who I am when I'm a man. She confessed years ago that she wondered what it would be like to be with a woman and maybe it might convince her that she truly is a lesbian and decides to leave me. She does say it's uncomfortable to have intercourse and I've been wondering for a long time if she is in the closet too. I would hate to open that Pandoras box just to lose her. All things considered, we have a good life...no debt, good jobs, get along most the time. I would still hate to lose her.
If I did lose her however, I would open the door to a radical change in my life and would eventually find myself with another CD, even if I had to move. Geesh.....that's alot of change.

Anyone who has any experience they can share, I would love to hear from you. This is sooooooo scary and complicated. Sometimes I just wish she would find out so I can bring it to a close and not have to suppress things.

As a side note....last halloween I suggested dressing as a woman for a party we were going to and laughingly said, "who knows, maybe you would like it and turn you on". Her response was "I don't thing my husband in a wig is something I want to see". AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

[Anthony Simon]

As a side note....last halloween I suggested dressing as a woman for a party we were going to and laughingly said, "who knows, maybe you would like it and turn you on". Her response was "I don't thing my husband in a wig is something I want to see". AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Whenever I have something that I think is a side note, it turns out to be the key thing. So, on that basis:

What you're wife might be saying (if you take it seriously) is something like "Don't ask, don't tell". Like she's not saying she doesn't want you to wear a wig - or by extension - dress up. She doesn't want to see you in a wig - or, by extension - see or know consciously that you're dressing up.

[Gillian]

I would think that the first issue that needs to be dealt with is why no interest in sex. Personally to me, sex is an intrinsic part of a marriage, if there is no sex, then the underlying root needs to be found and dealt with. Whatever your reasons for CDing, you need to address first things first.

[Davita]

I'm kinda wondering about the sex too. What's she wanting to get turned on again? If she's not excited, then what difference how you happen to look?

[Ralitsa]

I don't often admit to not having the correct answer for everything, but you got me on this one Jenny.

There are an awful lot of questions here, and very little information. So in the world of algebra, to solve all the simultaneous equations you need one piece of data for each variable. What you have here is about 20 questions and 3 peices of information. This is what we know:
- she is currently not interested in sex with you
- she said one time, long ago, that she was curious about being a lesbian
- she wants you to believe that the idea of you wearing a wig disgusts her

I'm going to irritate some people with this, I just know it, but I have to say it anyway. Wives do not always tell you what they honestly feel, they tell you want they want you to believe. So that means we can't put much reliance on any of that data, which means we know absolutely nothing.
So my suggestion is, you need to find out what is really going on with her. I've never met a marriage counsellor who was any good, but I think you might want to be looking for one anyway. Before you do anything else, you need to get some reliable information about the state of your relationship.

[JennyLynn]

Thank you Ralitsa for you ever so methodical approach to my dilemma. You must be a professor!! You nailed it. Counseling is out of the question, as I suggested it at one time and it was not an option for her. By all accounts we have a great relationship. We get along, have similar interests....she will snipe from time to time, but so do I. Quite normal in most respects except for the sex part. Most of it started years ago when she decided that running was her thing. She went from 165 down to 125lb.s over the years and became quite a marathoner. I was so proud of her, but along with all that weight loss, came the loss of interest in sex. She even stopped menstruating...I think due to absolutely no body fat....read that somewhere. Then it was the "I'm not interested, no desire and I don't even think about it with anyone else. I believer her. She's loyal, too much of a guilty conscience to do anything like that. She has tried once in awhile to ....well...not to get into too much detail...make me happy, but is so impatient with me that it turns me off, and I can't finish the job. It's such a turn off. So I have told her not to bother, as she doesn't enjoy helping me out and I don't enjoy knowing I'm a bother. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that if I ever want to have a fulfilling sex life again, it will be by myself. Stink? You betcha. But what's the alternative? Divorce? Thought about it, but had one of those already and not ready for another one. Who knows, maybe she'll just leave me someday. But in the meantime, I just enjoy being Jenny when I can and it's incredible! I feel like I'm with a sexy woman that knows my needs and desires and I'm able to fulfill those....all by my lonesome!
My ultimate dream situation? Living with another pretty CD that can be a man-buddy and a femme-friend and lover. Chances? 0 to none!

[Davita]

Did I hear marathoner? No period? ummm seems to me no sex falls into the list as a natural consequence?

[DonnaT]

Regular exercise usually increases a woman's testosterone levels, and the endorphins in the brain. This is usually a good thing for her libido. Low T in women can be a cause of low libido.

You said she does say it's uncomfortable to have intercourse. This needs to be looked into. If it is painful, then she could be too dry (lube may help), fibroids or she could have vaginismus.

There are other causes as well, both medical and mental. Medical causes could be a number of things as mentioned above or even things like Thyroid disorders or other hormonal imbalances. I recommend she be checked for these possible problems.

[Martine Amance]

There are so many red flags you might think it was May Day in Moscow. Fifteen years of marriage is a long time and over that time period come changes. Many times we fail to even see the changes until it is too late. So, go back to the beginning of the relationship, think over what were the qualities that attracted each of you to want a relationship. Now, start remembering what changes have occurred over the years.

You say that your wife started the exercise and running some years ago and went from over weight to thin. You say that she lost interest in sex seven years ago. I would say that she has changed her self image or concept of herself in a most significant manner. What else has changed in her outlook? Long distance running, great amounts of exercise, concern with body image, all these suggest an OCD like change in personality. Physical exercise and concern with physical appearance will take on an obsessive quality.

What has changed in your life? When did you start cross dressing (I really hate to call it that) in earnest? Often we 'give ourselves away" when we start our own little obsessions and habits. Please note that the need to dress in what is normally called women's clothing is not always an obsession. We all have our reasons for dressing the way we do.

Next we might ask you why the two of you have stayed together? Is it for the children's sake? Do each of you thoroughly enjoy each others company? Or is it economic, the need to depend on each others earning power? Is it love or has the love aspect left one of you? These are hard questions and the answers are not always forth coming or honest.

From what little you have told us I believe there is some distance between you and your wife. Your coming out may be the 'excuse' she needs to leave you. It may be the excuse she needs to seek a lesbian relationship. Many of us humans are collectors, our relationships are such that we do not willingly part or let go of something we have collected. We tend to treat others in our relationship as prizes or trophies hard won and worth keeping on a shelf so that we might validate our own sense of self worth.

A marriage is a group, meets all the definitions; two individuals declaring themselves to be members of this exclusive group and making sure that at least one other individual knows it. Rupert Brown does a very excellent explanation of groups and membership in his work. Marriage does not preclude the members (usually two) from joining other groups nor that it require that both members join the other groups together. The question really becomes, "what do you have in common what goals and values do yo both share?"

I hope my long winded post with provide you a reference point.
Most sincerely Martine

[JennyLynn]

So many good thoughts you all have posted. Martine..you kind of nailed it. We have alot in common, cooking... shopping... politics.. our view on life and just being really good friends. I know we both can count on each other to always be there for each other. I guess I moan a bit too much about the sex. It really isn't that big a deal, but still it bothers me sometimes. We get along as close friends and really do love each other. Another post mentioned OCD, I'm sorry but I forgot who it was, but you nailed it as well. She is very OCD, but I've learned to have fun with it. I'll move her bowl, cup and vitamins around which are always so neatly placed in the same configuration on the counter and then giggle when she notices it! She doesn't get mad but just says..okay very funny! She is totally aware of her OCD and isn't crazy about it, but it's oh so noticeable. I really can't envision being with anybody else, but I do have to admit that not having some fun sex once in awhile is a bit of a bummer.

I so appreciate all your posts. Some of you ought to be psychiatrists...but then again, who knows? Maybe you are!

Jenny

[Anne Bonny]

Well...tread carefully. 15 years, could be she already knows and that led to a loss of sexual interest in you. Another thing to consider if she truly has no clue - she will see it as a betrayal of trust. She will see it almost the same as if you were having an affair and divulged that - she will see you as "the other woman" even if it is to yourself. You know your situation, you know how strong your marriage is etc...no one can assess this for you and you are the one who is taking the risk. Most women are not interested in or excited by a feminine partner because they will tell you I am not a lesbian! There is always the slight possibility that there is some curiosity, and some might have some motivation to explore the idea but it is not likely you will find yourself accepted as a "wife". There will be many questions, you will have to reassure her over a long long period of time that you love her, that you are the same person she married and have not really changed. Good luck.

[JennyLynn]

Thank you Anne. I've pretty much come to the conclusion after hearing about all the horror stories, that's it best if Jenny is kept quiet. There are just too many problems that can arise. I love my wife and would never want to do anything that would jeopardize our relationship. She's a wonderful woman, but I do think that dealing with my crossdressing would probably put her over the line.

Some things are better kept private.

Jenny

[Martine Amance]

Jerrilynn,

you bring back memories of a supervisor I once had in the phone company. The man literally measured his desk top, placed marks where everything should go and placed everything exactly in its place. We use to move the items an eight of an inch and erase all the pencil marks just to see if he would notice. At first it was great sport but it got tired after a while.

[Paulette]

Hi JennyLynn,

The marathoning may account for the absence of sex. And then there's menopause.

My wife discovered that the most common "traditional" remedy for the hot flashes and dead libido was taking black cohash, the main ingredient in the OTC Remifemin. You can find it in most drug stores.

It also helped with regularizing periods, evening out mood swings and generally elevating mood.

Aaaand, sex is no longer a matter of getting permission: we both want it. Often.

[SilverLady(SO)]

My wife discovered that the most common "traditional" remedy for the hot flashes and dead libido was taking black cohash, the main ingredient in the OTC Remifemin. You can find it in most drug stores.

I strongly advise everyone not to take anything with Black Cohosh in it . . . it has been proven to increase the occurrence of breast cancer, especially in anyone who may be more prone to that disease (family history, etc.). And yes, males can get breast cancer, too.


In actuality, the best common 'traditional' remedy for hot flashes (and it works far better than Black Cohosh) - but which does not get recognition by most physicians - is none other than good old Apple Cider Vinegar . . . this can be found in the vitamin/mineral section of most stores in caplet form if you prefer not to make a 'tea' with the actual vinegar. It is also a great homeopathic remedy for most forms of acid reflux which is caused by having too little acid in the stomach (although it's not recommended for anyone in which the esophagus is also compromised or damaged).

I've personally never had a problem with a dead libido.


- SL