More Baby Steps

[Jessica_Karen]

It's been awhile since I've posted anything here...just wanted to update you. I'm making progress, even if no one else in my house is. It's slow and sometimes painful, but it's progress.

As far as my wife is concerned, things remain absolutely the same here as when I posted last. Well, to be absolutely fair, I guess I have to acknowledge that my wife (says that she) is "struggling" with my cross dressing. That means she is "struggling" with simply knowing that I am a crossdresser. Except for the panties, which she neither sees nor handles, there is no dressing. I'm not privy to these struggles. The only evidence I can see is the struggle to hide the disgust she feels if I ever bring the topic up. (Be certain she will not.)

Last night I passed on an offer from an online friend, a crossdresser who lives about an hour or so away. She had offered to come speak with us one evening. This was the first time I had brought up the issue in, what (?), maybe two or more months? Of course the offer was refused. I wasn't surprised, but I was disappointed. She says she can't speak with a stranger; it will have to be a professional counsellor (her own, not one that we both see), or "someone who knows her well." (me) Well, she told me, she didn't have anything new to say, so there was no point in talking. She was still "struggling"...sometimes up, sometimes down. She then went on to list all the other things she is currently upset about, burst into tears, and told me that this wasn't a good time to deal with my issues...that I was just 'the straw that would break the camel's back.' And that ended the conversation. There was no point in continuing. It seems clear there never will be a time to deal with my issues.

I'll tell you a secret, though. I'm going to dress more, anyway. She doesn't know yet, but she will. I'll tell her. I'm giving myself an allowance. Not a lot, but I have just over a hundred dollars saved already. I figure that in just over a month, I'll have enough for my first wig. It's not much, but it's a start. Then I will shop the clearances and the local consignment shops. If I'm careful, I can stretch my dollars quite a ways. Maybe a nice dark skirt, with a long-sleeved blouse, a pair of shoes, a pair of tights, a bit of make up. Who knows? Whatever it is, it will be better than this.

Maybe I'll only be able to dress when the house is empty and I'm home alone. Maybe I'll have to save up and go somewhere 'safe,' for an evening or a weekend. I don't know yet. I know my wife will probably be upset about it. Heck, she's upset now. That's allowed. But so am I, and I count, too. I'm saving up to buy a candle for the darkness. Soon I'm going to revel in the glow.

Love to all,
Karen[/i]

[Elizabeth]

Karen,

I have experienced this same exact struggle. I too only wore panties and did not dress for 14 years after my wife found out I was dressing fully. My wife too rejected any kind of outside help, or even information. She said " I don't want anything that could lead to me accepting this, I can not, I will not ever accept this".

She now lives with her boyfriend, and I dress 24/7. We are divorcing. It took a while for me to understand that she really could not accept this about me. It has to do with her own personal beleifs. She can not violate those, and still have any self esteem. For her, it was 14 years of her compromising, and no benifit to her at the cost of her self esteem. For her, at least in my opinion, it is shameful just to be married to me. It is not something she can be taught to accept. It violates her core beleif system. For those reasons, I have finally accepted that I must let her go, even though I will always remember my love for her. There can be no future for us, as partners.

Only you can decide where your relationship is going. Please try to remember that it may not be just a matter of her getting the right information. In any event, you will need to continue to communicate with her in any way you can.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

Karen,
My sister, Elizabeth and I are currently travelling the same road but for slightly different reasons, so it is the old adage, "been there done that!" first if you sincerely feel you have the "gift" then you must realize it is not gong to go away! You can fight it, suppress it, ignore it, repress it, take it to the grave, but it is part of you. Some of our sisters have varying views on how you should express it - if in fact that is your choice. Alone, in the closet, go out of town and rent a room for the night or week-end; try harder to get your SO to share her feelings about it, recommend individual or family counselling. I can say this if you continue down this path and it is a great path!!!!!! and your SO continues to resist, just be prepared for the worse case scenerio. We hope it does not come to that, but some of us know that it can happen and can attest to the results. Like Elizabeth said she feels much better about herself now as I do.
This is what this forum is all about, helping each other as best we can.
God Speed, Good Luck and keep us posted and if we can help..... just ask!
Love,
Virginia