Some Old, some not so old

[Carolynn]

OK, its been a long dry spell. Time to prime the pump of humor, or at least try. So start with these and add on!! OK?

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.

A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.

So, she took them home and ate them herself.

Men never learn.
____________ _________ _________ _
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

************ ********

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what 's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

************ ******

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

************ *******

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. "
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

************ *********
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

************ *********
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'''
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
____________ _________ _____

[DonnaT]

The Nursing Home

At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

[Carolynn]

Well !!! That was unexpected !!!!

[Laura Ashcroft]

An elderly man in an old folks home dressed himself in only a trench coat. Then he began running up and down the halls exposing himself to the women there while yelling "Super Sex". This continued for a bit until he exposed himself to one elderly woman, who responded "I'll have the soup"

[Virginia]

Ah Hem!?

Some of us are not amused!

Virginia

[DonnaT]

Maybe this one will tickle your funny bone Virginia

Three Elderly Men

Three elderly men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The seventy-year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to tinkle."

The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a BM."

The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

[Carolynn]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."

[Kyra]

EEwwwww!

[Carolynn]

Subject: Childbirth

Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old
girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place......smack his backside again!"

[DonnaT]

[Carolynn]

OK. Here is a variant:

Jock's wife went into labour in the midst of one of Scotland's infamous winter storms. Sure enough, the power went out as the moment approached. The Doctor asked Jock to stand near the bed holding a kerosene lantern so he could see to work. Soon ehough it was over and the Doctor said, "Ye've got a fine wee son, Jock!". Beaming with pride, Jock was surprised to hear him say, "Whups, there appears to be another one." A short while later the second child was delivered and Jock left the room. "Oi, come back, I think there's another!" called the Doctor. "I will nae!" replied Jock "It's the light that's attracting them!"

[DonnaT]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!"

[SilverLady(SO)]