Modern Medicine

[Carolynn]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the
>same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to
>require a hip replacement.
>
>The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the
>same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
>
>The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
>appointment, then waits eight weeks to see a specialist, then
>gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and
>finally has his surgery scheduled for six weeks from then.
>
>Why the different treatment for the two patients?
>
>The first is a Golden Retriever.
>
>The second is a Senior Citizen

[Siobhan Anders]

Medical terminology for the layman

Artery: The study of fine paintings
Barium: What to do when CPR fails
Caesarean section: A district in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Coma: A punctuation mark
Congenital: Friendly
Dilate: To live longer
Grippe: A suitcase
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Minor operation: Coal digging
Morbid: A higher offer
Nitrate: Higher than the day rate
Node: Was awre of
Organic: Musical
Outpatient: A person wo has fainted
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Protein: In favour of young people
Secretion: Hiding anything
Serology: Study of English knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Tumor: An extra pair
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins: Veins that are close together

[Virginia]

Little Mary comes running in the house, "Mommy, Mommy, Johnny and I have been playing Dr.!" Trying not to let her panic show, Mom asks, "Well, that's nice, honey what did you do?"
"Oh, nothing," came the child's reply. "He just made me wait fourty-five minutes then double billed my insurance company!"

"DR.! Dr.!, I can't seem to get Tom Jones' song, Green Green Grass of Home out of my head!" "Well!" says the Dr. " you have Tom Jonesitis!"
Patient, "Is it bad?"
Dr. "It's Not Unusual!"

sorry 'bout that ===moving right along!

Virginia

[Carolynn]

"Dr.! Dr.! you just gotta help me! Everywhere I touch hurts, BAD!!"

"Oh, yeah", says the Doc, "does it hurt when you touch your head?"

"Oh yeah, Doc, so bad!!.

"Well does it hurt when you touch your breast?

"At least as bad as touching my head Doc. What is it?"

"Well, you silly blonde, you have a broken finger, thats what it is!!1"

[DonnaT]

Bert was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his job and personal life started to suffer because of it, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

Bert was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain. He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Bert laughed, "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman.

Bert tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Bert admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bert thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck." Bert was surprised. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."

Bert tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Bert adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Bert was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's feet and said, "Let's see...9 1/2 wide." Bert was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."

Bert tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Bert walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating Bert replied, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Bert was incredulous. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Bert was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bert thought for a moment, but then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bert's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Bert laughed. "No, you finally got one wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."