Secrecy

[Janice SO]

I was wondering about the thrill of the secret.
Has anyone here ever experienced a sense of loss, or diminished sense of satisfaction in dressing once your SO found out? Did or does part of the "dressing experience" hinge on the aspect of secrecy?

Janice SO

[Melyssa Anne]

Hmmm...interesting question. I know people that thirive on keeping secrets. I'm not one of them however. For me, the exact opposite was true. My dressing has become much more fun and enjoyable since my SO found out -- she helps me a lot with it, we go shopping together and do girls vacations and girls nights out together.

But i can know that there are those that relish the secret...not just in CDing, but I know people that have hobbies that are more enjoyable for them because no one would suspect they would do whatever it is....and it makes the hobby that much more enjoyable for them

[Wendae]

No, and I would rather it was acceptable! I was sad that it wasn't.

[April Rose]

Not for me! The need for discretion is the most frustrating part of my transgendered life.

[Virginia]

I can only speak for myself, but no, and I am sorry if I seem to wax philosophical, but for me after the initial "thrill" of going out among "the great unwashed" faded, and I began to accept the fact that I am who I am and that Virginia is me and I am Virginia. I sought and fortunately have found "the balance" in my life that my male and female aspects share joint custody of and we live in a "need to know" universe. That is, if I am "read" and approached, I would "tell all" so to speak, but I have never been accosted. I can't say my "family" accepts Virginia, (my son and daughter both know or think they know) but have never met Virginia and since we are somewhat alienated from each other for different reasons than Virginia, it is what it is.

Long way around to answer the question, but no there is no thrill in hiding Virginia from anyone. Guess I am a stealth, "in your face" kinda girl, if there is such a thing!

Janice, I see "it" as a gift. We are not in competition with our SO we are not out to embarrass our SO we simply have something unique and some of us are challenged by it, others run and hide from it. Some of us study it death, and others of us simply want to be who we feel we are and if that includes dressing up and for some of us it is not a sexual thing it is simply our way of expressing who we feel we are, it is not a bad thing) Well, not a bad thing if we (my opinion) if we are not feeling guilty and hiding it from _____________(fill in the blank). As it appears that most SO' s, well at least some are not so much upset by "the dressing" but by the fact that we did not share this, this, can I say "aspect" of us with them ----earlier?!"

I know, I know, too wordy, but .......................

Love,

Virginia

[Absaroka]

Absolutely. The secrecy is a big part of it.

I'd prefer that my wife knew a little more about it, because I don't like lying to her, including lying by ommision. But I wouldn't want her to participate in this.

If I was not 6-3 and 215 lbs with male features and a beard I'm very attached to, (in other words if I could pass convincingly) I'd probably love going out in public and presenting as a woman. But it would be for the excitement of fooling everyone, of being covert. I'd feel like a spy just walking down the street.

Zari

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

I never dressed for the thrill of it. It was always part of the need to be female. I always hated having a secret. It made me a liar and made it difficult for me to have any self esteem because I always knew that really, no one even knew who I was.

So for me, the secrecy was a cause of constant anxiety. The adrenaline rush of nearly getting caught was not something pleasant that I enjoyed. It was something I hated and tried to avoid.

Remember, this is not something that is looked upon favorably, so getting caught meant being demeaned, and humiliated. Being told I was "sick" or "insane". It was all negative energy for me. In fact the most destructive thing in my life was keeping that secret for so long.

I think that others feel the same and that is why for some transgendered people coming out of the closet becomes a necessity. We can't respect ourselves until we can live honestly with ourselves. Unfortunately, many times this means living alone.

Now, having said all of that. I believe that there are those who are very excited from the secret of crossdressing. It's part of what makes dressing desirable for some people. The problem many of these people have though is the need to take more and more risk to keep the same level of excitement. The result is either getting caught or getting bored.

Also, many of us are or have been so deeply embarrassed about crossdressing that even if caught, we will not discuss it. We want to just pretend it didn't happen and move on. Kind of a "don't ask, don't tell", kind of thing.

In the end, there is no "one size fits all" answer to this question. Every person has their own motivations for dressing.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DonnaT]

So for me, the secrecy was a cause of constant anxiety. The adrenaline rush of nearly getting caught was not something pleasant that I enjoyed. It was something I hated and tried to avoid.

I was the opposite, in my youth. I used to do things just to tempt fate at getting caught.

However, once I did get caught, I was too embarrassed to talk to my parents about it

Has anyone here ever experienced a sense of loss, or diminished sense of satisfaction in dressing once your SO found out? Did or does part of the "dressing experience" hinge on the aspect of secrecy?

My wife didn't find out, I told her a few months after we married. Well, actually, I dressed up for her, then told her why.

Ever since, my "dressing experience" did not hinge on the aspect of secrecy, but instead, it now hinges on satisfying the urge within to do so.

I reckon it was always a need to satisfy that urge, but the adrenaline rush wasn't a bad thing, for me.

[Anita]

Hi Janice--
No thrill here. I saw that the secrecy would take enormous energy out of me if I tried to keep my femme self down, so I begin planning how to come out almost immediately. It took eight months, and the last four were extremely painful.

Underdressing is wearing femme clothing hidden under male clothing. I would think that our feelings about that would be one test of how we feel about secrecy. Underdressing never gave me any satisfaction at all. If one does value secrecy, as Zari has said, then I would think that underdressing would be seen in a more positive light.

[KimberlyS]

The secrecy did not thrill me but instead tore me up on the inside. My wife knowing was a relief. But now back to she wants it out of her sight and that does not thrill me either.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

[Bernice]

I never dressed for the thrill of it. It was always part of the need to be female. I always hated having a secret. It made me a liar and made it difficult for me to have any self esteem because I always knew that really, no one even knew who I was.

So for me, the secrecy was a cause of constant anxiety. The adrenaline rush of nearly getting caught was not something pleasant that I enjoyed. It was something I hated and tried to avoid.

Remember, this is not something that is looked upon favorably, so getting caught meant being demeaned, and humiliated. Being told I was "sick" or "insane". It was all negative energy for me.

I feel exactly the same way.

I've always hated the secret, and having to keep it. No way could I ever be truly intimate with anyone while keeping a secret like this.

The thrill? I can't say I've never been terrified - My heart has pounded so fast and hard it's a wonder I didn't die of fright, but I never enjoyed the fear. Isn't a "thrill" supposed to be enjoyable fear?

In retrospect, I have taken unnecessary risks, though this hard-earned wisdom serves to drive me deeper into the closet.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Janice SO]

After reading all the responses, I think I am dealing with a "hider". I have noticed very specific behavior changes in my DH since I found out. I believe that these changes are his attempt to convince me and himself that his CDing is not something he "needs".
I can't make him "ok" with himself. I am being as open minded and supportive as I can be.
I really think he is just down right disappointed that I found out. I think it is making him look at his CDing in a light that he is very uncomfortable with.
My questions have taken his dressing beyond the private sexual experience and asked him to look deeper into the needs underneath.
I don't have any clue the correct way to handle this. I figure that maybe just relaxing and letting some of my questions go unanswered might give him his sense of privacy back. I don't want him to feel as though he is getting the "third degree"....but I am very fearful that this has nothing to do with his explaining things to me, and more with his fear of having to look within himself.
So far, it seems that he isn't ok with who he is and is trying desperatly to change it....which scares me to the core.
Janice SO

[Christina Huffman]

I can identify with the difficulty of acknowledging the need to dress, especially if that need is deeper than sexual desire. Before I came out as needing to dress, I had dressed up for years occasionally as a joke, for Halloween, etc. I always volunteered to dress up for this but I still insisted that I didn't really want or need to wear women's clothing.

A large part of the problem is that, when growing up male, being called a girl is often an insult and anything feminine is to be avoided. As a result, this petrifying fear of being feminine often becomes deeply internalized. In my experience, people around me have actually been supportive, but there's always that constant internal battle to undo over 25 years of being told that femininity is shameful.

It sounds like you're already very supportive, and I'd recommend continue being patient and supportive. In my case, therapy has been extremely helpful so far; not everyone needs this, but if it becomes a real problem, I would recommend that. This internal strife is actually pretty common among TG people, so counselors familiar with this area have dealt with these issues before.

Good luck - hang in there!

[DonnaT]

I figure that maybe just relaxing and letting some of my questions go unanswered might give him his sense of privacy back. I don't want him to feel as though he is getting the "third degree"....but I am very fearful that this has nothing to do with his explaining things to me, and more with his fear of having to look within himself.
So far, it seems that he isn't ok with who he is and is trying desperatly to change it....which scares me to the core.

I would suggest at least one last question, for the moment.

Ask him if he is embarrassed by it, or if he is scared of it or of others finding out.

[Absaroka]

I'd agree about not doing the 3rd degree. If he isn't okay with it then all you can do is let him know that you are okay with who he is. Sometimes the most honest answer to a question is "I don't want to talk about it"

You sound like a very accepting wife. I hope he is able to become more comfortable about this.
Zari