wife saw my photos

[Katie P.]

I am dress in private my wife and my family dont know until onr day i took some self pics on my ipad emailed them to myself and deleted them on my ipad or so i thought.The pics of me wearing a bra and panties had saved in my album my wife saw them she hit the roof and almost left me she just couldnt get over it for weeks.i promised never to wear then again but weeks later I am still dressing up when she is out.I dont want to think about what might happen if she ever catches me again.

[Jane D]

Yikes, That is an unfortunate scenario. Many have learned the hard way that if the sequence of events is wrong you have pay the price and must figure out the best way to deal with it.

Since you're still dressing, your situation is really a time bomb waiting to explode. If you value your relationship with her and you hope to have a long lasting relationship you're going to need to figure out how to sit down and discuss what's going on, and pronto. The longer she is left in the dark and confused, the more unpredictable the situation. I'm sure others will chime in with reasonable suggestions as to how to proceed. Many of us have gone through the same or similar situations and found ways to communicate and mend misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Hoping for a favorable outcome for you…

[DonnaT]

some have found that their wife found their dishonesty to be harder to accept than the dressing, leading to long lasting trust issues.

Others have found that honesty is not the best policy.

Best of luck with how you choose to handle this with your wife.

[Ralitsa]

these girls are right. NEVER lie about it. Don't say you are going to stop, and then keep doing it, that is the worst thing. If you can't stop, you need to tell your wife that.
You need to get your head around this fast. Either she will leave, or she won't. Pretending this is not an issue and that it won't happen again increases the chance that it will be the former. Don't think you can make a few glib promises and sweep it under the rug and have her be OK with that.
I won't pretend to know the best way to deal with it, but I'm pretty sure that is the worst way.
Just about everyone here has dealt with this issue, so if you go back and read all the posts on the subject you will find a lot of useful advice.

[Diane Hoffrau]

Find out that way is a big shock
Yes, there are risks to being honest but if you have a lasting and loving relationship then you should be able to work it out

That may only mean that you get to a tacit agreement of "don't ask don't tell"
but at least she had a say in that arrangement.

Communicate that is the only real path to happiness.

Diane

[Requal Jo]

Honesty is the best medicine Katie. To continue to hid your dressing will only be more damaging. As stated, communication and open discussion will commence the healing to repair and strengthen your relationship.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Katie -

GG's will know instinctively if/when they are being lied to by their mates and, yes, we hate lying/dishonesty more than anything. If you lie to her, you'll never fully regain her trust in you.


Just remember the sayings: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" and, as my mother always told my dad whenever they did have an argument: "Just remember, you have to sleep sometime!" (that's also known as Karma, the polite name for pay-backs).


I strongly recommend that you have a nice, open, honest, heart-to-heart talk with your wife as soon as possible. Let her know that "Katie" is who she is and she is here to stay; she's a part of you and there's no 'getting rid' of her. Seriously, others have tried and failed, and it did nothing but cause them depression, anger, and more.

During your conversation you're going to have to work out a compromise of sorts, and remember that there is no 'winning' because everyone gives and takes, it is definitely a 2-way street, so to speak. No yelling; no screaming; no accusations. Stay on topic . . . do not bring up other unrelated issues and don't let her bring them up, either. Do not issue any ultimatums nor do you give in to any. Do not negate her fears and worries, do not force her to accept Katie, she has a right to not accept Katie (or her male alter ego, especially if you lie about things), and you are not to make her feel guilty or the 'bad person' if she cannot/will not accept Katie.

Write out whatever it is the two of you agree to, agree to revisit that agreement in a couple of months, and both of you are to date and sign your acceptance of that agreement. Just like your marriage is a contract, so is this agreement.

Good Luck!!


- SL

[Sarah Beth]

Read what Silver Lady had to say, it's what I would have said only probably said much better. I know from my own experience that lieing about it and keeping on doing it isn't the way to go. She will find out again so it would be better to have a talk with her now and save the pain of being discovered again later on.

Be prepared when you talk to because it's really hard to tell someone why you do something when you don't know yourself exactly why you do it. Don't ram it down her, just try to have to have some facts and be able to impart some knowledge to her. Maybe have some sites lined up where she can go read some things about crossdressing, even some of the posts here might help. Remember that crossdrssers are a sterotype and most people out there don't really understand or have knowledge about what it really is. There is such a wide variation and so many facets to it and it has remained hidden and taboo for to long. People fear the unknown and knowledge is power, so help her gain some insite and the knowledge will give her the power to understand and accept hopefully.

[Carol Ann]

Oh so true SL, my wife has always told me I could never lie to her even if it is in fun. Honey I can read your face like a book.

[Anita]

Sarah Beth wrote:

Be prepared when you talk to because it's really hard to tell someone why you do something when you don't know yourself exactly why you do it. Remember that crossdressers are a sterotype and most people out there don't really understand or have knowledge about what it really is. There is such a wide variation and so many facets to it and it has remained hidden and taboo for to long. People fear the unknown and knowledge is power, so help her gain some insite and the knowledge will give her the power to understand and accept hopefully.

The only way to get any perspective on this is to read about it. It is not a subject of conversation anywhere, whether it's media or close friends and family. It comes up in "Dear Abby" once every two years, and the answer is usually the statement that most CDs are heterosexual--that is the number one question about CDing.

I can understand why an SO would have an aversion to reading about something that she is not prepared to deal with. If she doesn't, though, I can't think of any way she can get a bigger picture than just her own fears. Talking to a therapist or a minister is not really the answer, because they can't be expected to know much about this. As has been noted on here more than once, the SO can't talk to her close friends or family about it, either. So she's in a closed circle of just you and her. That puts a lot of pressure on both of you. I've never come up with a good idea for how to get around this. You can't make a person want to get more information.

[Paulette]

Not always true, SL, Carol - about not being able to lie successfully to a spouse - but it's best to act as if it were true. Always.

Early in my 40-year marriage to Judith I determined that I would always behave as if she could read my mind - that there were and could be no secrets between us. She knew I was an occasional cross dresser, but could not deal with me directly regarding that aspect of my psyche or sex life. So what we had, for forty years, was in a sense a living lie. After the first year we never spoke of it, so I never actively lied about it. But we knew.

Had we broken that particular silence it might have broken our marriage as well. But maybe not. We both learned to live with the silence, but I'll always regret not going there. It would have been worth the pain. And for better or worse it would have allowed us each to live a new and better life, perhaps together, perhaps not. Judith died in 2008.

[Eileen (SO)]

I hope, Katie, that at least you were wearing your own bra and panties. Never wear the wife undies, ever. Since the photos were on your ipad, she may also suspect that you are sending them to others.
I understand that promising never to do it again was the only correct answer to give to an irate spouse at the time. She's got to know you'll do it again sometime, been there myself. Diffuse the coming confrontation by getting hold of good information about cross dressing. Assure her that you are not looking for dates on the internet or intend for any friend, family, or neighbors to find out.
In the long run, it's best to clear the air now. You may want give just a little information at a time instead of dumping everything on her all at once.

Eileen

[Carol Esme]

Katie, my wife knows and puts up with it rather than being supportive. That is heaps better than when I spent decades doing it behind her back but I really think the time had to be right before I told her. Only you can judge whether the time is right for you to explain things to her now or you need to leave it a while. Don't let people push you into opening up before you are ready. A bad revelation can permanently damage a relationship.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Not always true, SL, Carol - about not being able to lie successfully to a spouse - but it's best to act as if it were true. Always.

There is always something that will give the liar away whether they realize it or not . . . whether it is something they say, how they say it, the look on their face, body movements, their actions, whatever the case may be . . . and while the liar may not be 'called on it' immediately that does not mean the liar is getting away with the lie(s), either.

It just means that the person who caught you in the lie prefers to file it away for reference . . . or paybacks . . . or Karma . . . or worse.

Regardless, the lie(s) will come back to bite you on the backside . . . and usually when you least expect it.



- SL

[Martine Amance]

Katie, let me put this in perspective. The world wants answers, something that fits the formulas, the boxes, the easy to digest information. We think the reasons why we do something should be logical and simple. Human behavior never is. We forget about individual differences. You want to cross dress and all manner of thoughts are going through your wife's mind. Are you gay? Are you abnormal? How could you possible feel this way? The human comedy is that women cross dress so easily. Jeans and tee-shirts? That use to be manly wear. So how come we don't get to wear what we want? Why do women get all the good stuff and we have to make do with the drab and boring?

Your wife wants honesty, she wants to trust you. Okay, that's her right. But know that her idea is that you must behave in a certain manner. That puts you at odds with yourself. If you want to resolve the problem then you must provide the answers she needs so that she can accept your behavior. That is what all of us who have wives, parents, children, and significant others must face. I'm lucky, my wife approves of my dressing. It helps our marriage and even causes her to be more thoughtful about her dressing.

So bottom line is that you must talk with your wife about your needs. That doesn't mean that you can be insensitive about her feelings. She will need reassurance, she needs some value she can use to measure your needs and behavior. Did you ever see the videos of squirrels going through a number of tricks to get to the reward at the end of the exercise? That is called shaping behavior. You actually start with the last bit of gymnastics first and then add backwards to the whole exercise. Shaping is how we get an individual use to the idea of what we want to happen. You want a feral cat to come to the house and let you pet it? Place food in a dish some distance away from you and the house. Keep moving the food dish closer to you. After a while, the cat will come to your feet and eat. It will allow you to pet it. Pretty soon it becomes your buddy.

This works with relationships. We shape the behavior of the people whom we wish to date, marry, have children with and they do the same to us. Yeah, many of you will take exception but that is the reality. We get use to other individual's behaviors or we leave. That is the basic rule of human behavior. If you wish to cross dress and want your wife or SO to approve you have to do the shaping. Understand that there is no magic formula, it requires judgment on your part. People have comfort zones and you must make sure that you are in that zone.