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Pauline · Post by **Pauline** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 12:09 am

hia all, thank you for accepting me

Sorry if i misspell anything but ive not been v good with that...

I have come to terms with my cross-dressing, as far back as i can remember i have been crossdressing.. i think i was about 6-7 when i remember trying on one of my mothers clothes for which i was punished when she found me. I was soo confused, embarrest and told it was a sin (mother was and still is a christian).

It was a struggle when i was young (juniurs) as i found that i wasn't interested in sports of any kind and hanged around the girls more than the boys for which i was teased and called names by them which made me sink into a depression and totally lost interest of school

from which i never wanted to go back.

I must have been about 12 when i asked my mother for a doll for which she just laughed at me thinking it was just a phase i was going through but i honestly wanted one.. but as usual i got boys toys

It was this time of my life when i discovered my first touch of her nylon slips which made me soo relaxed to wear against my body for which i took and hid with fear and guilt of what i was doing and within days of doing that she found them either on me when she woke me or had found them when i was at school... yet again punished.. this time i got tanned and it hurt. I thought i was alone in what i was doing.

I wasnt detured from this as this went on all though my teens and got stronger with the urges to dress and i got better at hiding them..lol but from time to time she found underwear n such that she couldnt find yet we had never talked about it and just punished me for which i just ignored as the pain stopped hurting as much and she gave up on that..

The very next time she found something of hers she packed my stuff and kicked me out onto the streets t walk the 15 miles (thats what it felt like but was more like 6 miles) with a heavy suitcase to my farthers (they had been devorced since i was a baby) and whom i had not much feelings for as he was a drop round when it suited him farther.. I was 14 when i turned up at his door, he let me and tried to fiind out why i had been kicked out but i was too embarrest to tell him and my mom just gave a eccuse from which i didnt hear but i didnt care as i was away from her..

I moved around the family from then like a yo-yo till i left shool and had my own place for which i was relieved to be able to start to express my inner-self but when i got my first girlfriend it all changed and i had to hide what i was cause of her... that relationship didnt last long.. about two years and i was still a dont know if i can say here but my cherry haddnt popped... for which i was relieved as i was looking for a long lasing loving relationship and "the one", i moved back to my mothers when i was 19 and lived there till i was in my l8 twenty's as it was cheaper than living alone.

One day not long after my 28th birthday on the night really i had enough of trying to hide my femininity and had to tell or at least shock my mother as i couldnt take it no longer, (i had just started texting a woman whom i am now with).. she had to accept me or kick me out for good.. and i was ready for it...

I put on a my pale green nylon nightdress that i had hidden and went to sleep knowing that my mother would wake me up next morning. and as sure as clockwork she opend the door (i was awake but pretending to b asleep) and i could see the shock on her face.. boy i wish i had a camera to keep that moment..lol

It was the right time for her to find out the hard way as i had tried for years to tell her.. she couldnt believe what i was wearing and i didnt care as i told her that i was a crossdresser and thats the way i am... well since a few weeks after that event she couldnt handle me and threw me out...well what she didnt know was i was leaving anyway as i moved into my partners place within them few weeks.. slowly taking stuff without her knowledge..lol mother and me are now not on talking terms and my life is alot quieter..lol

When we did talk about it when i was about 14-15, she showed me black and white photo's of me when i was a baby.. in little dresses and i had short blonde curly hair at the time and looked like a girl, i found out that she wanted a daugher and i was a mistake, an unwanted child which she told me to my face and with a slight sneer in her voice.. for which i have never forgiven her for.

My partner of over three years who i love dearly with all my heart has accepted me to a point.. she was not fuly conftable with me but with time and patience she has gotten closer to me and my crossdressing as there are no secrets between us, and now we both look for clothes together, if out in the shops i am "helping her with choosing her clothes" as i only can express my inner womanhood at home. (and with society as a whole not accpting i wont go out dressed). we have 3 children for which they are not mine by birth but i have accpeted them as if they were.. two girls and one lad, they all know and accept me... This year in a few months me and my partner are getting married (and wish i was wearing the wedding dress) ...which will make us both above

I am now happier than i have ever been though-out my life...

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and i hope to hear from you soon... pauline

Alexandra · Post by **Alexandra** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:01 am

I'm glad things worked out for you and welcome!

RikkiOfLA · Post by **RikkiOfLA** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 4:19 am

Dear Pauline,

What a moving account!

I was in shock and tears on the edge of my seat as I read about your childhood and now adulthood and the violence and abuse done to you, especially by your mother.

Crossdressing is not a sin, or a crime, or the big social no-no. It's exactly as you put it-- it "isn't a hobby, it's the way of expressing your inner woman." Read the origins of your sisters on the forum. You'll find out that many of us dress openly as women, go out in public. Some of us even live full time as women, including work.

Many parts of society have become a lot more accepting of us in the last few years.

Everytime I see a sister like you coming out of the dark ages, I cry with joy.

You are beautiful!

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 4:44 am

Hi Pauline,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. My heart hurts when I read of people who go through things like you did with your mother. I also suffered abuse from a self proclaimed "Christian" Mother & Father.

Welcome here dear.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 5:57 am

Hi Pauline,

Wow, that was a great story! I'm sorry you aren't speaking with your family, but I hope that changes for you (if they can learn to accept you).

Kudos for telling your SO!

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm sure there are lurkers who will read your post and breath a HUGE sigh of relief to know they are not alone.

You are a wonderful person and it's good to have you as a member!

Beauty

Pauline · Post by **Pauline** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 8:55 am

thank you very much for all your words of kindness and the feelings of welcome

.. one song has inspired me to come out more than i would have. its by "Christina Aguilera - Beautiful" from the Stripped album.. its so beutifully done and so encouraging.. i hope if you havn't heard it you give it a listen.

there is more to my story but it would take up soo much more space.. it could b classed as a novel..lol

yes i do agree that ppl are more accepting than they use to b but as a whole there are still ppl who would badger, ridicule and make it hell for me and others like me. i still dont have the confidence to go out dressed and as im 6'4 and largly built i know i would definetly b noticed..lol

as im so tall i have size 12 feet as as you can i immagine i have alot of problems looking for shoes..lol... there are no shops within the city i live in that does any shoes in my size.. The shop "transformations" has a bad rep of treating ppl badly and as the nearest one i know of is in a bad area as well, full of ppl that are...lets say critical of ppl that are different i dare not go on...

most of my stuff i have gotten through mail order which isnt a problem accpt for the shoe's.. and me or my partner not having any credit cards means we are restrected but i to that i dont want one anyway as i see it,, if i dont have the money i cant get into debt.. for which i have never done.. and why is it that shoes for us is more expensive..lol

as i said about me coming out more.. i have never joined a support group or met any other crossdresser as i still am still in the closet and yes i think the word crossdresser says it all as the word cross to me tells me "to cross" is "to change" to change direction of the deffiniton of what it was i was previously doing.. which i do; do. i hope that makes sense..lol

thank you again for all your acceptance and welcome messages and hope to chat again soon..xxx pauline

LeftyRainbow(SO) · Post by **LeftyRainbow(SO)** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 12:42 pm

Hi Pauline,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Lefty

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:04 pm

Pauline,
Hon, what a wonderful story! I may be wrong but I would be willing to bet that a lot of your strength in all this was derived from your feminine side!! You are where you are now and we all look forward to corresponding with you - "you go girl!!!!"
Love,
Deborah

Pauline · Post by **Pauline** » Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:55 pm

hia Deborah.

yes i have taken from my the strength from my femmine side (which i think ive always had even before i knew) & if it hadnt been for me crossdressing i probably would have done something drastic as there were times i realy felt down, stressed and depressed.

pauline

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 4:28 pm

Pauline,

My good grandmothers name was Pauline. I went through the same
rejections from my Christian parents. Till I was 20 and left home
My mother occasionally told me how her life would have been so
wonderful except for me. My father mentally and physically abused me.

Some have said cross dressing stems from child hood abuse. I never
believed that. My therapist believes a very small minority of CDers
could become that way because of special circumstances and the
natural mental make up of the child. She has never led me to believe
that I was defective because of my need to express my feminine
feelings by dressing. Through my self discovery I enjoy crossdressing
much more and isn't the guilt trip it used to be. My therapist is very happy
for me. I am very happy for you that you have come so far!

I'm glad your here,
Kersten

Pauline · Post by **Pauline** » Tue Jul 06, 2004 7:39 pm

hia ladies

.. thank you again for all your reply's... ive got some v good news...i got married to my loving partner on the 21'st of june $\:D/$

Kersten Lee

.. from what i have researched it all stems from our genetric stucture... we feel the way we feel because of this... situations can help or hinder our femine side but it has always been there.. i'm sorry your family as with mine could not accept you for whom you are and the abuse u suffered

...

.. well ladies i hope to chat again v soon...xxx pauline

Kristen · Post by **Kristen** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 1:19 am

Pauline , thnaks for sharing your heartfelt story with all of us, I cant's believe that your mom could be so cruel to kick you out and then tell you that you were suppose to be a girl. Well you have one up on her , you are the girl she did't have and your still her son. I believe that your mom , one day , will realilze that life is to short and you only get one time around to get right. Take it for what it's worth it's only my opinion.
Congratulations on your new found family, hug your kids alot when they are young they don't like it so much =when they get to 13 or so. But each child will remember until thay die if they were hugged or not.
I have five kids my youngest 13 oldest is 31, they are so much fun to watch and help.
Hope you are loving life and not to worried about the dressing thing it's okay I think we all do it. Conratulations !!!! to both of you on your Marriage, you can always renew your vows in a wedding dress. hope you had a very happy wedding........Kristen

ps Post us of your wedding day.

Rebecca · Post by **Rebecca** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:43 pm

HI Pauline,

A big congratulations to you and your wife on your wedding, I am very pleased for you both. I joined after you and had missed your story, I have only just read it, it looks as though you are very lucky with your wife, I can tell she means a great deal to you. Kristen is right about hugging the kids, I always hugged my daughter when she was little. You have been through the wars and survived, I am at the stage of realizing CDing is a bonus to life, not a curse.
Does your wife read the posts on this forum ? I think if you take the overall jist of the posts, stories, concerns, feelings etc of everyone who contributes here, it gives an accurate picture of who we are.
I would love to here more of your wedding, please post some more, if you want to, that is.
Do you have a X-catalogue shop near you, they sell items not sold in the catalogues and if you keep browsing they are bound to have large shoes sooner or later.

Love
Rebecca xxx

PS- I am a little more north of you

Pauline · Post by **Pauline** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 4:40 pm

kristen.. hia.. there will never be a reconciliation with my mother not that i would want one with her anyways as for one thing she is stuck in her ways.. and after what she called my partner at the time... there isn't any chance of that...
i am always worried about if i would b found out by ppl in this area im in which i think alot of us ladies can understand...though things are lookin up now that we are fixin up our place prop with thicker curtains...lol I would love to get a wedding dress for a renewal, though my wife has already suggested our own private wedding in which i can wear one

Rebecca...& kristen.. thank you both for the congrats

& yes the wedding went well though it was raining at first it had cleared not long b4 we went outside for the photo's t b taken.

ecept for a couple of little things the wedding and the reception went without a hitch... cake and mother in law is the couple...lol but thats for another time...

Rebecca... unfortunatly my wife doesnt get alot of time with work ect.. but i am hoping that on some of her days off she has a read as she is a very busy lady..

hope t chat soon... pauline..

Pauline · Post by **Pauline** » Wed Jul 07, 2004 4:46 pm

Rebecca... sorry missed a bit out on me last reply.... the nearest place for an x-cat is in our town centre and the only pace i have seen shoes my size has been in london...

when on our honeymoon in rhyl in south wales there was a x-cat shop which we did go into but their largest ones was too small for me... which when i looked in other cat's like kays the largest i have ever found was a size 9...

pauline