How comfortable and confident are you?

[Anne Bonny]

I've got a question.

How many of you get dressed and are so comfortable and relaxed going about your business that you forget you are dressed (I mean in feminine clothing and all that goes along with that whatever it may be for you)? And how many are so secure and confident with yourself that if someone came you would be comfortable going to the door and say "oh hi! come on in.." or something like that? I know I am not comfortable going out but how many of you are secure and confident enough, because this IS who you are to go out the door and go where ever in feminine mode clothing and all?

Perhaps I am in the minority but I wonder how many of us are so sure of who we are that we no longer care what other people think.

I will admit that because I feel I should present myself as a father I have no desire to dress in front of my boys or their friends (even though both boys know I am transgendered). I am also not completely out - there are some people who are important to me that I do not want to risk losing so I do not go out...yet...

I do intend to live this way from now on, dressing as I desire. I believe to achieve optimum health for myself by no longer suppressing and hiding so much of who I am inside it is important, 10 years from now wonder where I'll be...

Oh...do you think I should put a wig on and change my profile picture, I did change it my hair is growing and I did redye a couple days back so it is now the dark brown it has always been when I was younger?

I'm kinda feeling down. Perhaps I am just a complete loon? I am also trapped, I am a caregiver for my wife and am seeing my life slowly passing as I watch my wife slowly declining. I cannot get out and there is no one to talk to so my fingers and my thoughts just continually fly here, facebook, editing my profile on a dating site, email, watching netflix, doing the routine things of daily life - gawd I want to....scream? sigh. I apologize for wearing myself out on this site it is not having another adult to converse with, in a sense my wife is really gone and I am really alone though she is here. I cannot be free unless she dies, I want her to die but I do not. I am sure she does not want to exist like this but she is not going tomorrow or the next day, or perhaps month...out in time things do get iffy...how long will she live? I am a pretty good nurse or she would have passed some time ago I suppose. Oh well. This explains some of my stir craziness here - sorry. I am ready to have my freedom and my life back alas it will be without my sweet wife but she has been gone for some time in reality.

Gee...it is dark outside, going to rain, wind blowing will have to turn lights on and close some of the blinds half way for privacy. Guess I will email my sisters without any mention of crossdressing to the one who knows. I think I sent more on this part of myself than she wanted and have not heard back. She is pragmatic and tolerant but there is a limit, no more mention of any of this to her I sense she has had her fill of it. The only positive is I was 172.4 this morning and with just one more day of eating light I should be set to just maintain for a while, never ending cycle if a girl is to maintain her figure and I love how my dresses fit now that I am at the weight I am supposed to be according to the BMI. Guess I will just endure....

[Davita]

I'm quite comfortable with who I am, but I will provide a sorta kinda male persona (it's never going to be 100%) or will be completely fem with hair and all. The only times I will take off my hair when I'm fem, for example, is with family and friends.

As I say, I try not to scare the public; I'm not afraid of them, but I dont need them afraid of me. A long time ago, I used to dread being read. Now it doesn't matter. I don't always know when I'm read and when I do pick up on it, it's ok. I don't get rattled by it.

[DonnaT]

I am comfortable and confident, however, since my wife desires that I not expose this part of myself to others, I am not able to just go to the door and answer it.

[Leeza]

After my wife and I moved in Jan 2009, I began to dress more and more fem. The day after she died there was a knock on the door and it was a minister who had visited us on a regular basis while we were living in the country, but had not once knocked on our door after we moved to town.

After we moved to town we were a lot closer to where he lived and through the summer I would often see him every week as he set up to sell tomatoes less than a block from our house. I would often stop and buy from him and ask him to drop in as my wife enjoyed his visits.

The day after she died he knocked on my door and I was in a dress. I answered the door and talked to him for a short time as I was dressed. I think he wanted to do the service, but I felt that if he couldn't stop in while she was alive, he wasn't going to do the service after she passed.

I have been pleasantly surprised by the number of people who I have known from my past that have talked to me in stores when they could have more easily walked on by. Sure I have heard some things through the grapevine, but I have said for a long time "if they are talking about me then they are leaving someone else alone." (Those of you from very small towns know what I am saying there.)

I have been a lot more at ease since I accepted myself and wear what I want when I want. Of course I try to dress appropriately.

[Anne Bonny]

Well..my sister responded:

As for the rest of your private life, I am fine with whatever makes you happy. I understand it's just something in your nature and makeup that makes this a necessary part of your life. So there is never any judgment ... more of an ambivalence ... and acceptance of that part of you. I know you will continue to be my brother and maintain an open relationship with me. I'm not a liberal, but I have very accepting views on certain things. I believe, as I've stated before, that God made us all ... that certain facets of us are not learned or deviant behavior ... but, instead, are in our genes. We are all creations of God and he loves and accepts us for the good beings that we are.

I am happy you have resolved your inner conflicts, and hope you are finding peace. As you said, I think we can put this issue to bed ... and get back to sharing the rest of our lives.

I love you,

I responded..

I am so relieved to hear from you. The sitter keeps telling me to stop apologizing for myself. I believe one of the greatest feelings I have ever felt comes when I let this deep dark secret out and receive acknowledgement or acceptance it has been a very difficult thing to carry inside myself over the course of my life. I believe not telling Mom or Dad was the correct decision they would never have understood or accepted it and I do not believe T would either, so I can not tell you how much I appreciate it, can't really express it adequately with words.

I am happy to have a good relationship with both of you otherwise I would be really alone except for the boys.


Thank you, I am glad you don't think the worst about me.

[Carol Ann]

Anne,

I normally don't put my .02 in to a lot of stuff BUT, you are no different then me as I am and have been a caregiver to my wife for a long time and yes your life changes so you have to make changes in your life.

Yes I dress all I want and I do go out now and again when I have the chance and I am very comfortable in my presentation as a women.

I will tell you as I tell my wife all the time "stop worrying so much". Anne you have to be yourself in male or female mode and Da** try to be happy as happy is the spice of life.

Sorry hon but I get tired of you down grading yourself all the time, be happy enjoy your life as we all know life is short not to enjoy it
Love and hugs Carol Ann

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks Carol,

Well I am trying...Today I told the Hospice Nurse, she had told the Social Worker that she thought she saw some eyeliner on me so I told her and here again - nothing but acknowledgement, acceptance, and encouragement! Got a hug. I told her how much I respected her professionalism and that I did not want to lose her, she told me she wasn't going anywhere and reassured me. whew! The aid she did not think I should share it with at least not now unless she saw something...I thought...well...ok.

Opening the door has got to be one of the most positive and best things I have ever done for this part of who I am. Gee, I may go sailing in a bikini and make up covered by a t shirt some day with nails polished and I hope with another wonderful woman at my side, this time I plan on being up front and will hope to find a woman who is wide open to all of who I am...but that will not be of course until I am free. Anne

Let's see...my wife...both sons...closest sister...hospice chaplain....sitter....Hospice social worker... one of my son's friends...A lady pen pal...the Hospice Nurse who I know directly and see know I am transgender that's 10 people! Oh my sister's husband - 11! People here 11+ This seems to be getting easier! Who does not know...my church, older sister, our friend/mechanic...oh our neighbors! No one in my wife's family, boys are 18 and 21, and once my wife is gone probably even now there is nothing they could do to me but perhaps I do not want to lose touch with some of them, Mother in law - no and probably never though I do wonder if secretly she purchased a night gown for my wife's birthday that did not fit her as a way of buying it for me as a thank you - probably my imagination.

I do not see any problem with the idea of screening or using my senses about people - it allows me to keep people I like and do not want to lose, and ....perhaps if I want to lose them then why not tell them.

[Carol Ann]

Thank you Anne,

You see if you open up there is always a light of hope, me after 50+ years I don't believe I could find another women who supported me help me and still was a true wife.

Love you sister

[Noeleena]

Hi,

I wont say i know what its like being a dresser. not only , because i dont ,

so in many ways it has been good being on so many forums as i hear and have read so much about people like you, of cause theres a lot of difference between us , im not a male and dont think as one, ....so thank you for being so open ....

As iv looked at confidence selfworth being selfassured and knowing who i am no doubt youv looked at these as well i wonder is this as you are seeing it from a male perspective really im adressing males here , not a pink fog type of thinking just the real you as a person,

how do you see your selfs from that point im not talking about thoughts on being dressed as like women, just you as a normal guy male man.

because in many ways i see this as an issue to start with , so in understanding your concerns better , this is where it all starts its not what you wear its how you think then your mind set how you relate to the our differences between male and female,

Its not the wearing of a skirt top = dress its much more than that, , our men over 100 do wear skirts and dress's as we all do 250 of us for a week at our camp and the men are not trying to be ...like or even women.... we are just reinacting the time .....1400-1700.

And when others or friends or just interested people they my think oh ,,,whats this all about i do the public relastions work and greet them and tell them what we are doing,


from over 10 years ago , i became growing as .... a very confident selfassured and selfworth woman okay im a little different , had issues and still have till the day i die,

yet and this is were im heading i had to grow into being myself i knew 56 years ago i would live as a normale female / woman , did i have this confidence to be able to do it then ....NO.... not a hope yet i knew i would , so as i'v grown as i'v matured and become who i have allways been i still had to grow up. like any / most females,

Okay this is from a woman .not with all the detail yet....... enough to show you there can come a time that you need to ...grow up .. to be who you are, for myself this is sure not a ....wont..... just a fact of how i was born intersex, and how my life has been ,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

I don't know where this comes from. I look back over my life from a very young age when all of this started. I believe my personality which is consistent, is a blend of male and female. I think in myself the male outweighs the female. I believe I am more sensitive, not as confrontational or competitive or quite as aggressive though I can be angry and aggressive. I am not always as confident as I probably should be. I was shy when I was young. And I am able to follow, yield, and feel submissive.

At times I "feel" what I believe or perceive to be what I Identify at least as being feminine and it is at these times when I desire to dress to feel consistent and centered.

Probably more often I "feel" more masculine and desire to shift in that direction.

This is all I know.

I have been on a dating site, I am heterosexual, my wife is not gone but I am on there because I want to have hope that I can find someone again but make it clear that I can do no more at this point than message and no further.

Today I could not stand it and wanted to answer the questions and give explanations or clarifications of my responses to try to explain that I am transgendered.

I disabled the account - in 48 hours I will go back in and edit my profile, and delete the answers and just leave it that other things will need to be discussed without saying what that is.

I am so discouraged for one thing this is not something that is easily explained and most women are not going to touch this with a 10 foot poll.

I think people think we are full of crap. That we are just doing this as if it is something we can just stop doing or being and throw all the female clothing out and it will all just disappear. After a lifetime I know different.

I am discouraged because I know most likely the best I can hope for is to just life life alone, or date occasionally. that I could actually find a woman again who would be fully accepting is so small as to be practically nonexistent. Not a good thought for me. Perhaps a dating site is not a good way for us to try to go about finding someone. I think being up close so that a woman can get to know who I am over a long period then gradually letting her know may be the way?? Oh well.

Perhaps I am completely wrong and I am not "transgender" but just a transvestite or crossdresser but these are just terms and I still have to fall back on my belief that my gender is mixed, that it is a blend.

[Noeleena]

Hi,

Being confident .

In who i am as a person this is not about clothes or what we wear and its not about being male or female, this is about the person not even what we do not even how we are seen, this is getting into the core of the person, , look at that .

Are we born with both male and female . make no mistake on that from conception yes very. much so.

How our program works out will depend on so many factors , its to use the simple words we are wired in such a way from the start , so just because some dont understand it, then gives you doubts about your self, its not people cant understand its more they dont wont to so what do you do bow to them or just remove your self from them.

its not quite that simple so we live with the i doubt myself because i dont know ...My Self...

you are struggling partly because of that,
so where does it all come from the moment of conception i'll liken it this way .

Plan a , your a normal male , plan B your a normal female, Plan c,,,,, oh dear myself ooop's im different so what am i you know so do i and a few 1000 others, intersex.

Now if my plan c , us as different then theres others who will be as well.... okay.

Contary to what some think through lack of knowage every one born on this earth is intersexed we would be dead other wise ,

This is how our bodys are made , get over that miner detail , Then youll understand why you are different so is there any shame in that ...NO....of cause not . once you accept you are different then youll understand you as a person as a normal being not weird not mad or insane or like i am ...he he ......

Now im not saying every one is interexed to the same degree thats not it we have aspects of being intersexed how much is what we are talking about ,

Forget about wether your xx or xy or any other combo. you could be karyotype= males 47xxy 48 xxxy 49xxxxy 48xxyy, females , 48 xxxx . 49xxxxx,and some can be missing, plus theres more, so dont think we are the way we are based on just a few chromosomes theres a lot more to it, and as you take it backwards it gets very interesting what your grandfather - grandmother had,
As an aside intellectual disability is caused by develomental delays and congnitive difficulties because of a lack of all the right xx and xy mix ups or lack or or more of,

What im saying is we are the way we are because of influances with in our body type not what we think.wether male or female,

as an ie .
myself,

allmost fully brain hard wired female hormones of both body in many aspects female and some male facial features he he ..... yes more male, and no womb ... okay thats close enough for now .

So you look at your self what do you know about your body, thinking and just normal details about you, im not thinking likes and dislikes its about the core of you as the person,

When i say hard wired female im looking at whats really deep seated, what makes me the way i am as i'v said i dont know how to or even try to think as a normal male theres just nothing there i dont and cant relate to men, period ,nothing now i can talk about things men do say cars and machinery or things like that other than that i dont identifie with men,

I wont go into Psychologically ,Mentalally and Emotionally as thats quite involved though i do with others,

any way just a few thoughts to look at or dismiss as bollocks.

Oh, and dont be ashamed of who you are, just because ...we... happen .. ( .i dont belive so ) to be who we are,

...noeleena...

[Anne Bonny]

GENDER plays a major part in determining people's personalities, with men and women sharing just 10 per cent of the same personality traits, European psychologists claimed.
In a study of 10,000 Americans, researchers from Italy and the UK said Wednesday that they found women were much more sensitive, warm and apprehensive, while men were more emotionally stable, dominant, vigilant and rule-conscious.

I am trying to put a finger on it. I am different. I have been this way all of my life though I probably became aware of some of this somewhere around age 9. It is something at my core. I believe my consistent personality is a blend of traits that tend to skew me somewhere to the middle otherwise I would be more fully male or masculine but I am not. I hate subjective questions and results, I much prefer definition, definite facts but personality is a difficult thing to pin down. I suppose with the subjective it takes lots of results from different places, even perhaps listening to what others have observed about ourselves. I have heard such objective observation from my sisters - That I am sensitive, that I am not as decisive, or as aggressive as one of my sisters. As a man that provides objective verification that is unsolicited of observations about me by my sisters that confirm what I already know...I am more similar to women on some of my personality traits, on others I am like other men. I wish it were easier to pin this kind of thing down but it is what it is.
It is difficult when I want to date or find - not yet but once my wife has gone - a new partner, I do love women. Kind of agonizing, discouraging because of who I am, it will make it much harder! I can live alone, I can try to date and will probably do that in the hope of finding a new woman who can accept me I suppose that is my best course. I am guessing but believe with holding that I am transgender will allow me to screen a woman, and allow her to get to know me - that I am not some horrible thing just a normal person before I start to open up to her this part of who I am. If this is done early in a relationship but at the right time - enough time being given for them to see me as a normal person - perhaps a woman would be more open to staying with me?


I think I am going to read about personality traits - that may give me some more insight on myself - ah ha! Right! That's why....

This seemed interesting and somewhat helpful...

What Is Gender? What Is Gender Identity?
Each person has a sex, a gender, and a gender identity. These are all aspects of your sexuality. They are all about who you are, and they are all different, but related.

Sex is biological. It includes our genetic makeup, our hormones, and our body parts, especially our sex and reproductive organs.
Gender refers to society's expectations about how we should think and act as girls and boys, and women and men. It is our biological, social, and legal status as women and men.
Gender identity is how we feel about and express our gender and gender roles — clothing, behavior, and personal appearance. It is a feeling that we have as early as age two or three.
Transgender
Some people find that their gender identity does not match their biological sex. When this happens, the person may identify as transgender.
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What Is Feminine? What Is Masculine?
Feminine traits are ways of behaving that our culture usually associates with being a girl or woman. Masculine traits are ways of behaving that our culture usually associates with being a boy or man.

WORDS COMMONLY USED TO DESCRIBE FEMININITY

dependent
emotional
passive
sensitive
quiet
graceful
innocent
weak
flirtatious
nurturing
self-critical
soft
sexually submissive
accepting
WORDS COMMONLY USED TO DESCRIBE MASCULINITY

independent
non-emotional
aggressive
tough-skinned
competitive
clumsy
experienced
strong
active
self-confident
hard
sexually aggressive
rebellious
Clearly, society’s categories for what is masculine and feminine are unrealistic. They may not capture how we truly feel, how we behave, or how we define ourselves. All men have some so-called feminine traits, and all women have some so-called masculine traits. And we may show different traits at different times. Our cultures teach women and men to be the opposite of each other in many ways. The truth is that we are more alike than different.

Androgyny
People who express masculine and feminine traits equally are sometimes called androgynous. Among androgynous people, neither masculine nor feminine traits dominate.
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What Are Gender Roles?
Gender roles are the way people act, what they do and say, to express being a girl or a boy, a woman or a man. These characteristics are shaped by society. Gender roles vary greatly from one culture to the next, from one ethnic group to the next, and from one social class to another. But every culture has gender roles — they all have expectations for the way women and men, girls and boys, should dress, behave, and look.

Children learn gender roles from an early age — from their parents and family, their religion, and their culture, as well as the outside world, including television, magazines, and other media. As children grow, they adopt behaviors that are rewarded by love and praise. They stop or hide behaviors that are ridiculed, shamed, or punished. This happens early in life. By age three, children have usually learned to prefer toys and clothes that are “appropriate” to their gender.

http://research.similarminds.com/female ... ferences/3" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; This is a much longer listing of research results.

It is very difficult to sort ourselves out because men and women share traits but the degree to which we expeirence each can differ significantly. Looking over this list I see many items where I feel I match up with women, and some which I agree match up with men being a man it's not surprising.

So that I experience a sense of my own femininity, or feel feminine is not invalid at all, apparently looking at these results what I perceive as being feminine matches what women feel too so it is not really different it just does not match up fully with most men and most women but seems to indeed match something in between.

Sigh...full circle again ever chasing my tail. I do fully accept who I am. I look back over my life that is undeniable, but it is good also to see further confirmation because I need to withstand the idea or feeling people may try to impose on me that it's all just "bull manure." My personality traits and how I feel about them do indeed match responses made by many women on multiple personality items listed. I can see how I live and act I am a transgender - a blended personality of male and female that tends to be a little more masculine than feminine.

I do like confirmation, affirmation it helps me to move forward more confidently. No it is not "bull manure" it is not just something I am assuming or pretending or just doing. My personality my trans gender is what it is and the degree of it is probably unique to me as well. - OK! Bring on the dresses and lingerie!!!!

Somewhere out there there is a woman for me, I just hope that I can find her and when I do - Wow It will be a wonderful life again, and because I will be selecting a mate with this specifically in mind it will be even better. (no slight on my wife we had a wonderful life and we loved each other, and would have lived the rest of our lives together if she had not fallen to dementia/Alzheimer's). Further I will not start dating or looking actively until we are both free and she is gone.

I wish there were a way to permanently shut up those who want to deny our reality. We know ourselves, we can look back over our lives, we know what we feel, how we are (our personality traits and the degree to which we feel them) we have other's objective observations of us from people close to us still because it is all subjective we will never be free of those who believe it is all just "bull manure" and that we can simply stop being who we are, put on men's clothes and be men. For our part we know that is "bull manure." Who of us has not tried to stop, tried purging, tried to figure it all out. Nope. We find we are indeed feminine to some degree or the other, and that feminine clothing is appropriate clothing for us too.

Our best comeback for someone who believes we can just stop and "be men" would be to ask them why don't they just stop being who they are! That is just how stupid this kind of thinking is. So I have bolstered my confidence. The question for me and dating sites is do I want to be completely out there where anyone who may know me may chance across my declaration on such a site that I am transgendered. If I do I am able to immediately screen out any women who want nothing to do with me, and will receive only positive replies from women who do not care or who are at least curious about dating a transgender person. The only draw back being is there are many who once they get to know you may then be more willing to accept you, true but then again....the 90% who make contact to meet will be those who want nothing at all to do with a transgender person. Hence...I do think putting it in your dating profile while definitely a risk is probably worth it after all I am not going to be anyone else but who I am if someone finds out it is probably for the best anyway....
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[Ralitsa]

I will second (or third) the opinion that you are worrying about it way too much Anne, and beating yourself up about something that's not a big deal.
I've thought about the subject a lot also, and I'm pretty well convinced that there is no good explanation or reason, it just is.
I'm really quite comfortable wearing the clothes I like whenever and where ever. I don't come close to passing, and don't really try. I like wearing pretty clothes, I like shopping, I prefer dresses to anything else but will admit that sometimes a skirt or slacks are more convenient. Right now I'm sitting in the public library with a jean skirt and blouse, nothing fancy but it is practical. I suppose everyone in town and the country around knows, and if anyone has a problem with it it is their own problem and not mine.

I think you ought to stop agonizing over this so much. Just put on a nice spring dress, get yourself a cup of coffee ond go out for a walk and get some fresh air and clear your mind. Probably you just need to get out of the house, and you'll be happier doing it wearing something you like. I don't know, but I imagine that it is probably very stressful for you taking care of your wife, and you're probably in anguish over the situation. So maybe a lot of that is carrying over and causing you to worry about this more than you should be. You just really need a good shopping trip to get yourself some cute shoes and new dresses, that's what I'd recommend!

[KimberlyS]

Anne you forgot one word to discribe femininity: possession. Oh maybe society has changed on that one, most people these days do not think women are a possession. Society has changed a lot. We are seeing more and more women in power business suits that have alot of the masculine traits you have listed. Maybe we CDers need to lead the charge for change that it is ok for men to be feminine. Maybe we are our own worst enemy by not accepting our selves and going out and being our selves.

Just some things I think about at times.

kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt

[Anne Bonny]

Agreed...don't know about going out just yet but I can see the progression from hiding with our most guarded secret in a deep dark hole petrified anyone may find out ....to telling someone very close...to adding to the list of those in our inner circle....to beginning to see that perhaps it is not that big a deal after all - who really cares by the time you get out to the general public and people who do not really know us - we become a curiosity perhaps, or even receive support from total strangers out there. I am going to reactivate my profile on the dating site and if someone sees it that knows me- well so be it in 20-30 years I will be dead and no one will care after that anyway, I need to enjoy life while I am living and If someone I know is going to reject me then they do not need to be my friend anyway!