I am not sure about you ladies, but I find myself so preoccupied with the CD aspect of my life, that it is hard to truly find a balance. When I am at work, each day I must log on to see what's happening (this takes a few hours sometimes), and I'm afraid that I may get fired eventually. I do this because my wife would be upset if she saw me on this site at home. When I am in the mall, I am constantly looking at female clothing (despite the fact that I purged over a year ago, own nothing now, and know that I won't be buying anything). I just seems that CDing really takes over everything. Am I the only one? Those of you who post daily, how do you keep everything else in check? CDing is like an addiction at times, and I see myself slipping further and further into it, instead of it becoming a part of my balanced life. Help!! Any ideas.
Nuff Luv,
Erica Shade
Preoccupation as a CD
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Erica Shade
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:54 pm
- Location: Toronto
Preoccupation as a CD
It's always better in the Shade!!
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Celia
- Moderator and "Princess of Chat"
- Posts: 1833
- Joined: Sat Dec 27, 2003 12:32 am
- Location: Western Washington
Hmm . . . if I had purged a year ago, had no femme clothing, and didn't expect to be getting any, then I might become a little obsessive too, Erica. 
Did you notice this obsessive aspect of your crossdressing as much when you still had clothes? A hungry person might dwell on food . . . .
Yours,
Celia
Did you notice this obsessive aspect of your crossdressing as much when you still had clothes? A hungry person might dwell on food . . . .
Yours,
Celia
Only the young die young.
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Gelinda
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Tue May 18, 2004 8:31 pm
Erica: I can relate o so well, I have purged so many times and then I get in these moods that I will drive myself crazy until I have some more. I only admitted to myself a month or so ago that I am a CD. I know now that I will never purge again. If I have too I will have a lock box or something that I have it in for the fit's
It has been much better for me to get on this site and I do it daily. I was out two days this week and on the drive was wondering what was going on in this world. I will spend too much time with this computer when I am in Kentucky and not in Texas with the family.
So I can relate and how you do not feel you are the only one. Gee
It has been much better for me to get on this site and I do it daily. I was out two days this week and on the drive was wondering what was going on in this world. I will spend too much time with this computer when I am in Kentucky and not in Texas with the family.
So I can relate and how you do not feel you are the only one. Gee
* * Email address not current as of 05-05-2009. Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Erica, HOney, you need to stop and take a look at where you are! I know, having read your posts you are smart enough to "see the big picture." Unfortunately, I do not remember your SO's position on this or whether or not she even knows. Is it possible for you to join a support group? Perhaps someone there would have a place for you to start a wardrobe. YOu have to realize that if this beocmes a true obsession, you will need to get some support from somewhere to help you make some rather difficult decisions that may come up.
Please keep us posted and if we (yor sisters here) can help, you know we will.
Love,
Deborah
Please keep us posted and if we (yor sisters here) can help, you know we will.
Love,
Deborah
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Erica,
You have received excellent advise from our sisters who have responded to you here. I would just like to ask you a question that came from reading your post that I think touches on what some of the others have said here.
How is it that you can expect it to become a part of your balanced life when you do not participate in it? By not owning, or by not dressing do you not think that you are starving that side of you? 
I hope you will decide to make some important decisions, before you end up finding yourself in a situation much worse than the one you are currently in?
You have received excellent advise from our sisters who have responded to you here. I would just like to ask you a question that came from reading your post that I think touches on what some of the others have said here.
How is it that you can expect it to become a part of your balanced life when you do not participate in it?
By not owning, or by not dressing do you not think that you are starving that side of you? I hope you will decide to make some important decisions, before you end up finding yourself in a situation much worse than the one you are currently in?
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Erica--
For the first few months after I bought my first-ever clothing at 49, my dressing was too excessive for me--I felt like I was being driven by it. After I accepted that I could dress as little or as much as I needed to do, the obsession went away.
Not all addictive behavior works this way, but just knowing that I CAN dress when I need to means that I can go weeks without. I'm not sure why you're staying "purged," but shutting it all down is a sure-fire way to make it dominate your thinking.
A
For the first few months after I bought my first-ever clothing at 49, my dressing was too excessive for me--I felt like I was being driven by it. After I accepted that I could dress as little or as much as I needed to do, the obsession went away.
Not all addictive behavior works this way, but just knowing that I CAN dress when I need to means that I can go weeks without. I'm not sure why you're staying "purged," but shutting it all down is a sure-fire way to make it dominate your thinking.
A
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
Preoccupation as a CD.
Hello Erica,
It seems to me that most likely you are using this forum to some degree as a substitute for your need to dress, if that's the case as it seems, then this forum is doing the job intended. I feel very deeply for you because your wife is unable to accept the fact you need to fulfill your CD needs, but unfortunately it is just that way with some wives, they cannot accept it for varying reasons and never will and I think in these cases the husband has to gracefully accept that if he wants to keep the marriage intact he needs to explore alternative ways in which he can fulfill his needs outside of the home.
Some wives believe that if they don't accept that their hubbys crossdress then the problem will go away, but we know that will never solve the problem, closing one's eyes to any existing problem will never solve it or make it go away. I guess you have tried to negotiate with your wife, without success, but what can be the problem sometimes is that the husband's own attitude has a negative effect on the wife. If you don't fully accept it yourself completely without any overhanging feelings of guilt, there is often hardly any hope of convincing your wife that she has nothing to be concerned about. Sometimes through our own actions we transmit the wrong message to our partner which causes them to react in a negative non-accepting way and they just shut off in the hope it will then disappear.
Crossdressing as we know is harmless in itself, but if it's something you need to do and you deny yourself the pleasure then it can build into something quite harmful to yourself emotionally and begin to effect not only your personal life but your work and life in general. It can be like a runaway train if you let it dominate your every moment and it appears from what you say that this is happening. I can quite understand how it is for you and the only thing I can suggest is that you do indeed have to find a way to balance your life and integrate crossdressing into your life as obviously it is something you need to do, as for most of us, it is not a choice, it is not something which we suddenly woke up one day and said to ourself, " Well today I'm going to become a member of a minority suppressed group, I'm going to become a crossdresser."
As it seems, if there is a part of your very being which can only be satisfied by expressing your feminity with crossdressing then for your health and well being you need to find a way to fulfill that need. It can be done outside the home as there are many people in your situation where the wife will not tolerate it in the home so the husband has to find other places to fulfill the need. Some do it through support groups who usually provide premises where you can change or others do it by renting a room somewhere etc.
Crossdressing for many is not an addiction, it is a real life need, it is born within their soul and has to be fulfilled, the same as their hunger needs to be satisfied by food. We realise this because we experience it and know within our very being that it is this way and cannot be changed, but unfortunately it's not something which we can explain to some people in a tangible way and we have to accept this fact and find alternative ways to satisfy the need or else we suffer to the extent it reflects on others and effects those around us.
I do hope you can find a satifactory way to fulfill your need and bring your life into balance, I know it can be difficult at times but faith and being prepared not to accept defeat will show you the way. There is always a way, we only have to explore and find it so we don't emotionally harm those we love, but also, if we don't find that way then it can be emotionally harmful to ourselves.
I wish you well, just always remember you will never be alone, you are part of a world wide family and always will be.
My Kindest Regards.
Sally.
It seems to me that most likely you are using this forum to some degree as a substitute for your need to dress, if that's the case as it seems, then this forum is doing the job intended. I feel very deeply for you because your wife is unable to accept the fact you need to fulfill your CD needs, but unfortunately it is just that way with some wives, they cannot accept it for varying reasons and never will and I think in these cases the husband has to gracefully accept that if he wants to keep the marriage intact he needs to explore alternative ways in which he can fulfill his needs outside of the home.
Some wives believe that if they don't accept that their hubbys crossdress then the problem will go away, but we know that will never solve the problem, closing one's eyes to any existing problem will never solve it or make it go away. I guess you have tried to negotiate with your wife, without success, but what can be the problem sometimes is that the husband's own attitude has a negative effect on the wife. If you don't fully accept it yourself completely without any overhanging feelings of guilt, there is often hardly any hope of convincing your wife that she has nothing to be concerned about. Sometimes through our own actions we transmit the wrong message to our partner which causes them to react in a negative non-accepting way and they just shut off in the hope it will then disappear.
Crossdressing as we know is harmless in itself, but if it's something you need to do and you deny yourself the pleasure then it can build into something quite harmful to yourself emotionally and begin to effect not only your personal life but your work and life in general. It can be like a runaway train if you let it dominate your every moment and it appears from what you say that this is happening. I can quite understand how it is for you and the only thing I can suggest is that you do indeed have to find a way to balance your life and integrate crossdressing into your life as obviously it is something you need to do, as for most of us, it is not a choice, it is not something which we suddenly woke up one day and said to ourself, " Well today I'm going to become a member of a minority suppressed group, I'm going to become a crossdresser."
As it seems, if there is a part of your very being which can only be satisfied by expressing your feminity with crossdressing then for your health and well being you need to find a way to fulfill that need. It can be done outside the home as there are many people in your situation where the wife will not tolerate it in the home so the husband has to find other places to fulfill the need. Some do it through support groups who usually provide premises where you can change or others do it by renting a room somewhere etc.
Crossdressing for many is not an addiction, it is a real life need, it is born within their soul and has to be fulfilled, the same as their hunger needs to be satisfied by food. We realise this because we experience it and know within our very being that it is this way and cannot be changed, but unfortunately it's not something which we can explain to some people in a tangible way and we have to accept this fact and find alternative ways to satisfy the need or else we suffer to the extent it reflects on others and effects those around us.
I do hope you can find a satifactory way to fulfill your need and bring your life into balance, I know it can be difficult at times but faith and being prepared not to accept defeat will show you the way. There is always a way, we only have to explore and find it so we don't emotionally harm those we love, but also, if we don't find that way then it can be emotionally harmful to ourselves.
I wish you well, just always remember you will never be alone, you are part of a world wide family and always will be.
My Kindest Regards.
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Erica Shade,
Believe me I feel your pain and conflict. Everyone wrote great notes.
Sally really said a lot. I agree with it all. I complained continuously
to and about my wife. What people have wrote to me helped me to
better see her problems with me dressing. She has never forbade me
or threatened me though. As I have stopped complaining and
pushing her, she has become more accepting and loving toward me.
I too know almost nothing about the details of your relationship. In
your writing it sounded to me that you love her very much. If
you feel you could share more with us, I am sure lots more advice
will come your way to think about.
I too have just had to learn this last couple months to limit my time
here to take care of other lifes requirements. Don't get into trouble
at work. That will cause more stress.
Take Care,
Kersten
Believe me I feel your pain and conflict. Everyone wrote great notes.
Sally really said a lot. I agree with it all. I complained continuously
to and about my wife. What people have wrote to me helped me to
better see her problems with me dressing. She has never forbade me
or threatened me though. As I have stopped complaining and
pushing her, she has become more accepting and loving toward me.
I too know almost nothing about the details of your relationship. In
your writing it sounded to me that you love her very much. If
you feel you could share more with us, I am sure lots more advice
will come your way to think about.
I too have just had to learn this last couple months to limit my time
here to take care of other lifes requirements. Don't get into trouble
at work. That will cause more stress.
Take Care,
Kersten
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Joanna_S
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 118
- Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2004 5:44 am
- Location: Finland
Hi Erica !
You wrote that you are slipping further and further into crossdressing and this particular sentence made me really think about it. I would say that if you have to purge, you really haven´t accepted youself as a crossdresser.
I know from experience that the longer I go without a possibility to dress the more I think about it. Before I told my girlfriend my usual month was like this: Week 1 without dressing goes ok, not so wonderful but ok. Week 2 : thinking about clothes and dressing several times a day, surviving but unhappy, feeling tense. Week 3:getting worse, thinking about dressing all the time, dreaming about dressing etc. Week 4: I JUST HAVE TO DRESS, and I do it whenever she leaves the house for more than 10 minutes. Remember ladies, that this is history now ´cause I have a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes ( I´ve never purged ) , I dress whenever I like and don´t feel that I´m addicted to crossdressing. Crossdressing isn´t the most important thing in my life; I have lots of other hobbies but knowing that I can dress anytime, sort of sets me free!
Am I making any sense?
Joanna
You wrote that you are slipping further and further into crossdressing and this particular sentence made me really think about it. I would say that if you have to purge, you really haven´t accepted youself as a crossdresser.
I know from experience that the longer I go without a possibility to dress the more I think about it. Before I told my girlfriend my usual month was like this: Week 1 without dressing goes ok, not so wonderful but ok. Week 2 : thinking about clothes and dressing several times a day, surviving but unhappy, feeling tense. Week 3:getting worse, thinking about dressing all the time, dreaming about dressing etc. Week 4: I JUST HAVE TO DRESS, and I do it whenever she leaves the house for more than 10 minutes. Remember ladies, that this is history now ´cause I have a wardrobe full of beautiful clothes ( I´ve never purged ) , I dress whenever I like and don´t feel that I´m addicted to crossdressing. Crossdressing isn´t the most important thing in my life; I have lots of other hobbies but knowing that I can dress anytime, sort of sets me free!
Am I making any sense?
Joanna
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Josey
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 277
- Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 7:55 am
- Location: North Central Florida
Joanna,
You and all the others make all the sense in the world. After the death of my wife, I live alone and have full control of my life. I can dress whenever I wish to and yet I find it is less of a drive than it was in the past. My wife was accepting of my dressing but my time had to be shared so therefore my dressing was controlled. Now, it no longer is and I don't feel any pressure from it at all. If I wish to, I do, but I don't feel the desire as often.
To Erica, I say, get yourself some clothes and dress once in a while. After a while, the pressure should drop.
You and all the others make all the sense in the world. After the death of my wife, I live alone and have full control of my life. I can dress whenever I wish to and yet I find it is less of a drive than it was in the past. My wife was accepting of my dressing but my time had to be shared so therefore my dressing was controlled. Now, it no longer is and I don't feel any pressure from it at all. If I wish to, I do, but I don't feel the desire as often.
To Erica, I say, get yourself some clothes and dress once in a while. After a while, the pressure should drop.
"The early bird catches the worm...But... It's the second mouse that gets the cheese"
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Gelinda
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Tue May 18, 2004 8:31 pm
Erica: I am going to slow down this one.
I have read so many different things on the CD within us in the last month that I can't tell you where I read it but then next little bit of rambling I am going to do, I hope will help you. it will be mixed with what I have read and my own past.
Erica, I have purged so many times over my 47 years thinking that I am crazy that I am a man this is wrong, well it is not wrong it is part of who we are. In the last month, I have found so much inner peace with myself that I am almost ready to tell my wife. The problem I had in the past is that in purging, saying I will never do this again, only made me when I had to again do it even more the new time. What was only panties 35 years ago is now, wanting to do the total dressing thing. I believe that if I would have never purged at all and just kept the panties for those times that today it would most likely be just panties.
It is like the alcoholitic side of myself, The more I do not want to drink the more I drink. So for 14 years I have not drank except 3 times. It was something that controlled me and not me controlling it. When I admitted that I had a problem with drinking then I learned to control it. I still have the problem and have had it win a few times since then but mostly I control it. It is the same with CDing but a little different, Erica you are in the stage I was a little over a month ago, it was controlling me when I did the reading and admitted to myself what CDing is and that it is truly in me then I can control it and handle it. At first it is not easy but as with any thing else the more time that goes by the more control you have.
Erica, I truly believe as some of the others have told you that if you have the clothes in a lock box if need be there and come to grips with it in your own mind by whatever means it takes for you as a person then you will find the control over the CDing where it will be part of you and not the demon within you.
Gelinda.
I have read so many different things on the CD within us in the last month that I can't tell you where I read it but then next little bit of rambling I am going to do, I hope will help you. it will be mixed with what I have read and my own past.
Erica, I have purged so many times over my 47 years thinking that I am crazy that I am a man this is wrong, well it is not wrong it is part of who we are. In the last month, I have found so much inner peace with myself that I am almost ready to tell my wife. The problem I had in the past is that in purging, saying I will never do this again, only made me when I had to again do it even more the new time. What was only panties 35 years ago is now, wanting to do the total dressing thing. I believe that if I would have never purged at all and just kept the panties for those times that today it would most likely be just panties.
It is like the alcoholitic side of myself, The more I do not want to drink the more I drink. So for 14 years I have not drank except 3 times. It was something that controlled me and not me controlling it. When I admitted that I had a problem with drinking then I learned to control it. I still have the problem and have had it win a few times since then but mostly I control it. It is the same with CDing but a little different, Erica you are in the stage I was a little over a month ago, it was controlling me when I did the reading and admitted to myself what CDing is and that it is truly in me then I can control it and handle it. At first it is not easy but as with any thing else the more time that goes by the more control you have.
Erica, I truly believe as some of the others have told you that if you have the clothes in a lock box if need be there and come to grips with it in your own mind by whatever means it takes for you as a person then you will find the control over the CDing where it will be part of you and not the demon within you.
Gelinda.
* * Email address not current as of 05-05-2009. Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
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Erica Shade
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:54 pm
- Location: Toronto
Thank you all for your advice. It seems the concensus is that dress more, and it will help eliviate my preoccupation or obsession. The problem with that is that I promised my wife, a year ago, that I would not cd again. She never saw me cd, she found all my en femme clothing. That night I purged everything. My wife is a wonderful woman, she just doesn't understand cding, and therefore finds it gross and can't accept it. I felt like such a heel when she found out, because I had been lying and hiding this from her for years. This is why I made the promise and I purged. It was a sort of penance for me not being forthright with her.
Now I dream about it daily. I do come here each weekday, to live a little. And herein lies my problem. As I cannot access this group at home, I can only do this on work time. I spend a lot of work time reading the posts on this site. This means a lot of work is not being done. This will catch up with me, but I can't help it. Each day I say I will not come to the forum, and instead do my work, but within the first half hour I find myself here.
You are all probably right. I should just go out and buy some panties, and maybe that will help. But I have done so good so far without cding (it's been a year). I don't like breaking my promises, especially ones to my wife. I'll try to hold off a little more, as I will only be going from one bad situation to another ( obsessive to hiding). Please keep me in your thought, and if you believe in prayer, send one up for me.
Nuff Luv,
Erica Shade
Now I dream about it daily. I do come here each weekday, to live a little. And herein lies my problem. As I cannot access this group at home, I can only do this on work time. I spend a lot of work time reading the posts on this site. This means a lot of work is not being done. This will catch up with me, but I can't help it. Each day I say I will not come to the forum, and instead do my work, but within the first half hour I find myself here.
You are all probably right. I should just go out and buy some panties, and maybe that will help. But I have done so good so far without cding (it's been a year). I don't like breaking my promises, especially ones to my wife. I'll try to hold off a little more, as I will only be going from one bad situation to another ( obsessive to hiding). Please keep me in your thought, and if you believe in prayer, send one up for me.
Nuff Luv,
Erica Shade
It's always better in the Shade!!
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Erica Shade
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:54 pm
- Location: Toronto
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Erica Shade
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:54 pm
- Location: Toronto
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Believe it or not Erica, Promises are like contracts they can be renegotiated. I personally would find it difficult to believe that if your wife understood what is happening to you, that she would not be open to some kind of alternative. Keep going as you are and it will hit you square in the face some day.