Culled from the BRI.

[CJ]

Hi all,

I'm a fan of Uncle John's Bathroom Readers' Insitute. The books sometimes contain priceless material, both funny and strange.

Hope you enjoy this stuff as much as I do.

Love,
CJ

Bad Jokes

Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A Rottweiler

Q: Hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red paint and black paint?
A: The whole crew was marooned.

Q: What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
A: I don't know, and I don't care one way or the other.

Q: Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
A: They're making headlines.

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during his root canal?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q: What do the letters DNA stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association

Q: Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
A: The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great.

Q: What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
A: Anyone can mash potatoes.

Q: How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
A: A buccaneer.

Q: What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot

So these two cannibals are eating a clown and one says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Q: How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Q: If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European

Q: What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large

[CJ]

Oh, I just found some more...

Really Bad, Awful, Terrible Jokes

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a banana up his nose and says, "What's the matter with me, Doc?"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef

Q: Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
A: Because he was on a roll.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: What do you get if you don't pay your exorcist promptly?
A: Repossessed

If you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray.

[Rebecca]

Hi CJ,

Love them, even woke ~D~ up to tell her them, she won't thank me in the morning. She said " they are just terrible"

I love them, my favourite is the surrealists showing their other side

Q....What do you call a boomerang that won't come back ?
A.... A stick !

Love
Rebecca xxx

[CJ]

Still more...

Flubbed Headlines

"These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?"

-- Lebanon Will Try Bombing Suspects
-- Officials Warn Clams, Oysters Can Carry Virus
-- Man Shoots Neighbor with Machete
-- Stripper Resents Exposure
-- Multiple-Personality Rapist Sentenced to Two Life Terms
-- Iran Claims Success in Its Attack on Iran
-- Retired Priest to Marry Springsteen
-- Defendant's Speech Ends in Long Sentence
-- Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni
-- 19 Feet Broken in Pole Vault
-- Kicking Baby Considered To Be Healthy
-- Terminal Smog Not Lethal
-- Cause of AIDS Found--Scientists
-- Police Kill Man with TV Tuner
-- Milk Drinkers Are Turning to Powder
-- Bible Church's Focus Is the Bible
-- Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
-- Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
-- Council To Examine Impotant Problems
-- Literarcy Week Observed
-- Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff
-- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
-- Large Church Plans Collapse
-- Potential Witness to Murder Drunk
-- Britain Inches Grudgingly Towards Metric System
-- NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
-- Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought

[CJ]

Yet more BRI stuff... Enjoy!

Court Transquips

"Do court transcripts make good bathroom reading? Check out these quotes, from a little book called Disorder In The Court. They're things people actually said in court, recorded word for word."


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between mileposts 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: "What disco am I at?"

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

And we get in trouble as blondes for berating ourselves??????
Those are great!!!!
Thanks girls!
Deborah
PS: And can I give examples of things I have forgotten? Uh!? Susan??

[SophieLawson]

heeeheee, CJ these are my type of funnyness I enjoyed that

Ohhh, I dont know why but whe I heard this on the Tele I couldn't stop laughing... but it actually isn't funny ???

Whats Orange and sounds like Parrot?

Carrot

Sophie xx

[CJ]

Hi all,

Still more BRI stuff...

Graffiti

"Creative writing, from the hallowed halls of public restrooms across the country."

-- To kick the bucket is beyond the pail.
-- If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-- An elephant is a mouse drawn to government specfications.
-- Who gives a damn about apathy!
-- Add up the spinal column and get a disc count.
-- Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
-- Democracy is letting the other fellow have your way.
-- When all else fails, read the instructions.
-- I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
-- Democracy... three wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for lunch.
-- My boss has boots so shiny I can see my face in them.
-- A specialist is someone brought in at the last minute to share the blame.
-- I wish I were what I was when I was trying to become what I am now.

Love,
CJ