CDing and sexual activity

[Dixie Darling]

I posted this message in another group this afternoon in response to another post I read there. After I thought about it, I thought it might not be a bad idea to post it here too since it may help some CDs to think about how CDing and sexuality could have an effect on their relationship with their wife or girlfriend. Also, I felt like it might be a comfot to some of you wives and GFs who might read this to know that not ALL crossdressers associate sexual motivations with dressing.

As I understand it the biggest problem most women (we're talking wives and girlfriends here) have with crossdressing is the fact that they have trouble disassociating sexual motivation with crossdressing. Now, I'll readily admit that for a lot of us it IS, or has been in the past, a motivator in as much as it's an ENHANCEMENT to sexual activity. However, as father time slips up on us sexually oriented motivation in dressing and is replaced by a feeling of relaxation, relief of stress, and a general overall feeling of just feeling good about ourselves when we dress. I'm not saying that it's not OK to mix sexual activity with CDing IF it's agreeable with both parties and if it IS, then go for it. I've also read where a lot of CDs become dependent on dressing enfemme in order to be a good sexual partner - this is a BIG no-no and if it reaches that point, that's where a lot of GGs withdraw their acceptance and support because it seems the desire to dress is replacing the desire that THEY need to know they're capable of creating.

The HUGE mistake that many CDs make in losing any acceptance they might have been fortunate enough to gain with their wife/GF is when they bring dressing into the bedroom and their partner isn't comfortable with it. This is a sitution that should be easily understandable since I don't think we would be all that motivated sexually if our wife stepped out of the bathroom in a pair of coveralls,wearing a baseball cap, while sporting beard stubble and chewing on a cigar butt. Putting ourselves in THEIR position when we're dressed can go along way in seeing how they might feel about the situation.

For a fortunate few, whatever is being worn makes no difference, but by-in-large keeping one's dressing and their sexual activities segregated is the best way to hang on to acceptance if you have it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Terri(SO)]

Thank you, Dixie, for posting this. I really wonder why there were no responses to it.

For Maria and me, dressing is a totally sexual experience (though I've wondered if he will take it further as time goes on), which means it IS in the bedroom and has been from the day he told me he wanted to dress.

I looked at his dressing as an enhancement because it was something of an adventure and I believe variety is the spice of life. It was fun for him and I could look past the clothing to him (the lipstick is tough to get past) after I got over the silly jealousy of the "other woman" in the room.

But when Maria presented herself as my exclusive partner in the bedroom, I found myself dissatisfied. It was a struggle to make him understand that even though dressing was fullfilling or satisfying him and prolonging his pleasure, I wanted a man. It began to feel as though he is attracted to Maria and not me, that it could be anybody else in the room who would "put up" with the dressing. That's not a good feeling.

Fortunately we are able to talk about things like this and we both are able (so far at least) to make adjustments and compromise. I don't want him to give up Maria (after all she's mine too) and he's willing to give me that "hairy man", as he says with a tone of disgust in his voice, at least for part of the time.

We KNOW he would reject me (he has said so) if I started dressing or acting in a masculine way and while I don't want to actually accuse anybody of lying, I do not believe that the majority of men who post here would be as accepting as they claim they would be of their SOs if they did either, particularly in the bedroom.

[Honey(SO)]

I think that we can acknowledge that we are sexual people no matter how we are dressed.
When my husband is dressed 'she' has sexual desires just the same as 'he' does.
Depending on how she dresses that desire is more or less, just the same way that if I dress to the nines then I feel more desirable/sexy.

As a couple we have good communication with each other and that includes our sexual sides. It took us both a while to accept 'her' into the bedroom. we both relize now that she was always there as part of him.
I really don't think we would want only she/me all the time. I do welcome her in, but mostly I want my husband as a man in the bedroom. Sometimes the 2 are blended together, but in the end it is still my husband that comes to our bed, no matter how he/she is dressed.

We treat each other with respect, love. I know that I can say'' tonight I want my husband' and she will not be hurt by that statement. We are trying to reach a mutual balance that keeps us all happy. It is a work in progress, just like our marriage.
Honey

[Dixie Darling]

MariaGirl,

I appreciate your reply and you've exemplified what I was talking about. It's wonderful that the two of you can share Maria in the bedroom. At the same time it's great that 'she' recognizes the fact that there are times when Maria needs to stay OUT of the bedroom. An agreeable balance between the two is what's ideal and it seems that the two of you have achieved that balance or are working on it.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[DonnaT]

My wife brought this subject up just a couple of days ago. She was of the opinion that I need to dress in order to be intimate in bed. I guess this is due to my reduced drive, due to my diabeties, due to my weight . . .

I responded that my drive was no different whether dressed or not, and that she has even stopped me during foreplay (I hope I'm not too graphic, but no other way to say it) and asked me to put on a nighty, or asked for "maid service".

Now, in my younger days, back in the seventies, I can say for a fact that both our kids were concieved while I was dressed. She didn't complain then. Although I didn't need to dress then to be intimate, I sured enjoyed it.

[CJ]

Hi all,

You folks rock. I saw the topic title and I thought, "Uh oh! I better take a peek behind that bedroom door!" But you've dealth with the topic in a most diplomatic fashion. Thanks (I'm not a big fan of editing).

As a crossdresser for whom there is (still?) a sexual element to dressing, I have to say I agree nonetheless with much of what's been said here. I was just telling an SO recently that it's important that we CD's, regardless of the extent of our gender variance, cater to our SO's heterosexuality. The relationship can become strained otherwise. It just ain't that much of a trip for a straight woman to be sexually involved with what, to all appearances, is another woman. I know that some SO's are fine with it (well, relatively fine, anyway) because they keep track of the fact that, in reality, it's their man, there, underneath that silk and behind that makeup. Other couples deal with this by going only so far in crossdressing activities, say, by limiting themselves to lingerie in the bedroom (something that's more along the lines of a fetish than anything else). Whatever works, as Dixie says.

On the other hand, and this point needs to be made, if a crossdresser is so woman-identified as to truly feel he is a woman inside, then there might be a serious problem. Nobody enjoys being physically intimate with someone if they think their own sexual behaviour would better suit their partner and vice versa. If a man cannot find sexual pleasure unless he does what a woman normally does in bed and unless his wife or girlfriend does what a man normally does in bed, well, it's time to turn on the bedside lamp and talk. I know there are some CD's who fantasize about being a lesbian (the infamous "male lesbian" syndrome) but, not to rain on anyone's parade, lesbians tend to partner with lesbians, not with straight women. I can see how an SO would have a hard time with this.

A good remedy ("Christina's Snake Oil Liniment," if you will) is: talk, listen, communicate, share your desires and your wishes with each other (within the bedroom or without). It's the only way to discover if compatibility issues are surmountable or not.

Take care. Love each other. Oh, and play safe.

Love,
CJ

[Honey(SO)]

Donna,
I would venture a guess and say your wife knows what pleasure the dressing/intamacy gave you so she is just trying to give that to you again, sometimes us wives try to help our husbands along with what we know works to, ummm help get the desired effect. Plus can it be that she enjoys it too....

Honey

[Curly(SO)]

Well, Miss Eloquent CJ,

You have summed up beautifully, what I have been thinking on this subject.

For me, I will quote Dixie,

whatever is being worn makes no difference

And I will quote CJ,

I know that some SO's are fine with it (well, relatively fine, anyway) because they keep track of the fact that, in reality, it's their man, there, underneath that silk and behind that makeup.

Hey, this is easier than thinking of my own lines

The day Ed told me about his CDing I was confused how it all would fit in with our bedroom department (as I knew he had fetishes, so obviously put 2 + 2 together and realised there was a sexual element to the CDing) so I grabbed a satin skirt and cardi of mine, told him to put them on, you can fill in the blanks here .... .... .... and found out that nothing had changed in that department! I didn't want it to become an issue so I took the bull by the horns so to speak!

I was worried, however, that Ed would want to play at being a girl, as CJ talks about. That would be harder to deal with, as I am a hetero woman and like to be in bed with my man. Clothing is not a problem, (I do get a kick out of it ) a bit of play acting occasionally is fun, but a serious session of role reversal or the lesbian thing would make me uncomfortable.

As per usual, keep talking and listening, that makes for a happy time!

Love,
Curly(SO)

[CJ]

Hi all,

Bravo, Curly! A great attitude!

This is not an easy subject to discuss (there are many taboos regarding, and much embarassment surrounding, sexuality), no, especially not easy to discuss on a general audience forum. I want to commend Dixie on bringing this up in a tasteful fashion. Dixie: thanks, great thread! And I want to thank you all, again, for participating in it as tastefully as you do. You know, it's hard for me to say some of these things without sounding like a total prude (which I'm not). Given the nature of the subject (one which has been brought up before, rather less successfully), the potential for the train leaving the tracks is pretty high. But, really, who needs a conductor with passengers like you folks? Again, thanks.

I'd be curious to hear from more SO's on the matter. Our sex life is often the litmus test for the acceptance of our gender variance.

On a personal note (and I hope this isn't too much info), as a crossdresser, my own libido tends to "drag" if dress up games are totally absent from the bedroom for any length of time. Although I suspect I may not be alone in this, I know that this is the case, precisely, because I still associate crossdressing with sexuality. I know many of you don't (or no longer do so). Although it's not too hard for me to imagine girl mode not being associated with sexual pleasure (after all, this is the case with me, too, when I'm not, shall we say, "being amorous"; when, in other words, I'm just lounging around or out and about, or fixing myself a meal, apron and all), in the bedroom it's another story. If I should be with a non-accepting SO--something that's never happened yet--I think I might well have to resort more to my rich fantasy life in order to enhance whatever pleasure I do get from sharing myself physically with the woman I love. This would take nothing away from her (or her sex appeal), but it would add to my own pleasure. There's a popular misconception floating around out there that, in a truly fulfilling sex life, the need for fantasy is obviated. Not true. We all have fantasies. And that's good; like dreams, they're a healthy thing to have. We only hit a knot in the rope (so to speak--and this expression has little to do with my own fantasies, I swear! ) when we find that our fantasies are not as easy to "act out" as they are to imagine. An SO may not only wish not to participate in them, she may be frankly repulsed by them. It happens. However, you can rest assured that she has fantasies of her own and you can be quite sure that your own willingness to help her explore them and fulfill them will go a long way toward making your sex life much more interesting.

I've said this before and I'll repeat it: there's absolutely nothing shameful about our sexual desires. It's one of the areas in our lives where our wonderful quirkiness comes out most. When each partner's individuality is welcomed and explored, and limits are respected, the pleasure we derive from being intimate with each other is much more than just physical. It's almost, well, transcendental, in a way. These are moments in our lives when we "fuse" with another in a most healthy way and, in that fusing, "lose" ourselves, to some extent. And it's a blessing to occasionally have a break from our own selves, no? It's Maslow's "peak experience," all over again.

Okay, methinks CJ is taking on a wistful tone, here.

Have fun y'all!

Love,
CJ

[DonnaT]

We all have fantasies. And that's good; like dreams, they're a healthy thing to have. We only hit a knot in the rope (so to speak--and this expression has little to do with my own fantasies, I swear! ) when we find that our fantasies are not as easy to "act out" as they are to imagine. An SO may not only wish not to participate in them, she may be frankly repulsed by them. It happens. However, you can rest assured that she has fantasies of her own and you can be quite sure that your own willingness to help her explore them and fulfill them will go a long way toward making your sex life much more interesting.

This is so true. My wife knows all mine (read talker), but still insists she has none . She is afraid to open up. I tell her, "look at me, look how I'm dressed. Nothing you say will bother me," but she can't. So I just let her keep it in her head.

[Beauty]

Hi there,

I don't really comment about my sex life, but I will say this is not a tabu topic on the forum.

Usually the only posts that are modertated come from new posters, not from the posting regulars.

When this topic was posted in December of 2003 the forum was still young.

Anyone can feel free to ask questions about sex or sexual relations as long as they are as tactful as Dixie was with her original post.

Maria thanks for finding this thread and bringing it back to life. Without SO opinion this is a topic most TG'd folks have talked about to exhaustion. So this thread is unique solely because of the input from our very precious and wonderful SOs. You make the responses my the CD/TG'd folks here so much broader than the normal responses the threads generate without your input.

Thanks again!!!!

Beauty

[Terri(SO)]

DonnaT,
I would say let your wife have her secret fantasies, maybe she's already lived the big ones .

I'm of the opinion that not all fantasies need to be brought to real life. For me, if there's something that can enhance my sex life (a crossdressing partner, for example) that isn't dangerous for me or anyone else, I will pursue it.

[CJ]

Hi all,

MG,

You may have a point, about not all sexual fantasies needing (or wanting) to be acted out. I think that's true, too. I just hope that fantasizing, in the case of women, is no longer seen the way it once was--as something that "only 'Bad Girls' do." (Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden did much to put that myth out to pasture.)

I've had an ex-GF once tell me that it could be the case that, when a wife or girlfriend says she has no fantasies, she merely doesn't feel comfortable enough with either her own sexuality or her partner's to share them with him, or--and I'm hoping she was saying this generally --she's just too busy concentrating on getting some basic pleasure of her own happening before anything "fancy" comes into play. I don't know how true any of this is.

I'm glad to see you're not afraid to pursue your own fantasies, MG. It's refreshing to hear that from a woman, especially in a place that deals mostly with the satisfaction of the sexual desires and needs of people other than women (I guess that covers the rest of us, too).

I realize these are very personal matters and this is a potentially controversial subject. I know my mouth is sometimes too big for my own good; just be aware that these are merely some of my own views and aren't meant to reflect badly on, or to exclude, anyone. Only post or respond if you feel comfortable about it. We're in a bit of a strange situation, here, on this forum; yes, sex is more often than not a private matter but, on a forum dealing with the matter of crossdressing or gender variance, it's a matter that cannot always be swept under the carpet. Hence, my kudos to Dixie. And to Maria's Girl, for breathing new life into the thread.

Love,
CJ

[Honey(SO)]

Nancy Friday's books are very enlightning, I never relized so many fantasies. Picked up 4 different ones on Amazon. My husband and I are going through them, Working on Men in Love right now. Women on Top is going on the cruise with us- some light reading..LOL
After reading the Secret Garden, my eyes were sprung open, as was my mind. It is never too late to discover your inner self.
Honey

[DonnaT]

I'm of the opinion that not all fantasies need to be brought to real life.

That's for sure, especially if you've read some of my TG stories (nom de plume: Donna Williams)