Acceptance vs. Understanding

[CJ]

Hi all,

Good thread, Terri. Thanks.

For me, both the following statements have the ring of (possible) truth:

"I understand but I cannot accept."

"I accept though I do not understand."

A little bit like St-Anselm--who sincerely hoped that his faith would allow him to understand--my own hope is that my faith in the goodness of people will remove (or make less significant) the barriers to my accepting--if not to my understanding--another person.

Even though I consider myself fairly well versed in the ways and habits of human beings, I don't think I will ever truly understand another person. It would thus be awfully unfair of me to expect that from anyone else--SO or not. Still (or, maybe, because of this), I don't think understanding (as in "comprehension," not "sympathy") will ever be necessary in order for us to be able to accept another soul. One is akin to seeing things as they are (acceptance) while the other is trying to figure out what, exactly, it is that we're looking at (understanding). It's a minor miracle already that someone can accept another person. It's even more so that they can do it without understanding that person. I agree with Beauty; don't sell yourself short, in this regard, Terri.

Love,
CJ

[Kersten Lee]

Hi All,

Reading through all these ideas again, this time gave me tears. Thank you all for sharing.

Thank you Terri for being vunerable and trusting us to be kind. You have given me the oportunity to view myself and try to grow in more caring ways.

This has also given me the chance to reconnect with friends here that I have not been able to do for some time.

I do hope your husband is kind to you as you are a dear person!

Kersten

[Kay(SO)]

What a wonderful thread! I too love when we get this kind of thought provoking diaglog going.

In thinking about my own relationship. I have been accepting, tolerating and not doing either of those things during my relationship with my SO. He is unhappy with mere tolerance and extremely happy when I've been in "acceptance" mode.

I know that I will NEVER understand this need or CDing at all and I am able to accept that.

My biggest issue is that how I feel about it changes so often. For me, when I'm accepting it means I'm not feeling negative about Cding, I participate in it with my husband on many different levels and different ways. When I am tolerating it, I don't feel good about it and don't want to be a part of it, in fact I usally feel down right annoyed by the whole thing. It's like I go through different modes at different times. And then I get confused because I wonder how I could go from feeling this deep compassion and what I see as acceptance to wanting to throw him out of the house with his girl stuff packed in several suitcases. Does that mean I'm not REALLY accepting at all? I don't think or feel so. It means to me that I'm always changing and that's part of who I am and part of life for me. Gee, I guess I didn't realize how this topic would make me think. I feel like I'm moving into another mode of acceptance and out of the tolerance mode, which is where I've been for the past six months. Maybe that's because we're working on other areas of our relationship too.

Kay(SO)

[Beauty]

Hi Kay,

Thanks for thinking out loud. When you ladies share how you feel (here or in the SO Only area) helps me all the time make to my relationship and marriage stronger. I pay much closer attention to what I say. I also hear her differently because of the SOs on the forum. It also helps because I'm not so sensitive about certain things and not too insensitive about others.

The thoughts you communicated in your post Kay made me appreciate what my wife has gone through and where she is now with her acceptance. I feel she was tolerant with me years ago, but is now showing more acceptance.

The thoughts your wrote sound exactly like my wife did and, at times, how she sounds now. I admit her frustration seems a lot less than a couple of years ago. When my wife found out she just plain didn't like the idea of me being a CD'r. She didn't want me to shave anything, she didn't want hair gone from my face, she didn't want to see me dressed. In 4 years we've come a long way. I think there were so many hurdles we had to go through. I'm sure me not knowing who I was didn't help anything either.

I think you're totally accepting and perhaps you're right about moving into another mode of acceptance and out of the tolerance mode. I wonder if this growth does happen when we're working on other areas of our relationships. I say that because I know our relationship is the strongest it's been since we even started dating. There was a time in our relationship when I didn't think we'd make it another week, much less grow closer.

Anyhow, thank you for your thoughts regarding this topic. I hope you and your husband continue to grow closer and these periods of angst continue to be less and less.

Beauty

[Virginia]

Hi Girls,
Guess I can put my put my two cents in huh? My wife put the boundary on me and I have respected it (she does NOT wnat to see Virginia). As you know from my history, she "outted" me to everyone in the family. Now my querry is this: She has seen my wardrobe, BUT she has never seen Virginia - what if I were just some weirdo that collected women's clothing?? I have asked her, "can you prove that I am a crossdresser?" She said that I have admitted as much - true, but what if I said that I was a, a - pick something!!?? A CIA Operative? or a professional football player, you have never seen me do this, but yet I tell you that I am can you prove otherwise?? I know this in in difference to an SO who has actually seen her "man" dressed, but what if like mine she never has, but yet tries to deal with the preception of what her SO must look like! I know if my wife saw Virginia she would totally freak out as I know what her perception is and it is so far from reality as to be very scary! No brag but Virginia is a beautiful woman and passes and it has been demonstrated. So back to the question acceptance ? I would love to have acceptance, Understanding? hell, we (CD'ers) don't fully understand it. So some of us live in fear others, separate over it, some SO's choose to "try" and accept it and of course those who reach the Utopia have the spouse who not only accepts it but blissfully participates and supports it! Girls there will never be an answer! You know that in your heart of hearts and we will each deal with it in our own way, some correctly some incorrectly some like a bull in a china shop. My best response is good luck and I can only hope that this forum helps you find your way as it has helped me!
Love ya,
Virginia