Love (SO)
I can say for myself as a CD, That first, I hate lies and I will not tell them. Second I have been married almost 25 years (May 30th). My wife is in the same boat as you, she only found out about this side of me about 9 months ago.
Now, I did not figure out that I was a CD until about it as a problem that had a name and was other than something that I was unbalanced and crazy about until 11 months ago when I found this website. So what does that say as to what you are feeling. What I am attempting to say is Maybe: Your other half did not admit to himself that it was there or was so afraid of losing you that he did not tell you. Or maybe that he did not really he was sane when it came to this part of him and that in his love for you would be lost if he even admitted it to himself let alone to you.
All these things are what I thought and felt about my CDing when I thinking what I should do. I even thought of killing myself that letting my wife done in that manner. I had some very odd and sleepless nights that this website helped me thru and helped keep me alive.
Just thoughts as to your deep feelings, I can't attempt to feel as you do and I am so afraid of what my wife is really thinking as she has not really faced it as of yet that I can tell. But I can see my wife feeling as you do.
Gelinda.
To Love(SO) a thought to your venting
Moderators: KimberlyS, Eileen (SO)
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Gelinda
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Tue May 18, 2004 8:31 pm
To Love(SO) a thought to your venting
* * Email address not current as of 05-05-2009. Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
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Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Gelinda,
That was a very nice and sensitive post in my humble opinion. I think what you said also applies to me. I never thought of myself as a cross-dresser, but have suffered a lot of the pain that you reference. Even though my wife seen me in her stockings and nightgown around 1978, (it was a shock to her), it still was never easy for her or I as I and she did not understand what was wrong with me or if it was about her femininity. I know now it is all about me and has nothing to do with my wife's femininity or not. She is still struggling to believe if that is true. So many of all of us carry reminents of self doubt about who we really are. Too many of us depend on others to define us.
As I hit middle age my need to dress more often and more intensely increased the questions between us. Not until my depression got to where I was thinking suicide too often that a friend got me to see a therapist. I was very, very lucky to find this woman. I am more comfortable accepting who I am but it is difficult for my wife yet.
I definitely have gotten more understanding for my wife because of the great wives and SO's section. Their and Love included has helped me to understand the trauma that is caused the wives and my wife in particular. It is still very difficult for us both. It is still impossible to know how it will all turn out. But is like how people here and my therapist tell me life is a journey, the destination cannot always be known.
Hugs,
Kersten
That was a very nice and sensitive post in my humble opinion. I think what you said also applies to me. I never thought of myself as a cross-dresser, but have suffered a lot of the pain that you reference. Even though my wife seen me in her stockings and nightgown around 1978, (it was a shock to her), it still was never easy for her or I as I and she did not understand what was wrong with me or if it was about her femininity. I know now it is all about me and has nothing to do with my wife's femininity or not. She is still struggling to believe if that is true. So many of all of us carry reminents of self doubt about who we really are. Too many of us depend on others to define us.
As I hit middle age my need to dress more often and more intensely increased the questions between us. Not until my depression got to where I was thinking suicide too often that a friend got me to see a therapist. I was very, very lucky to find this woman. I am more comfortable accepting who I am but it is difficult for my wife yet.
I definitely have gotten more understanding for my wife because of the great wives and SO's section. Their and Love included has helped me to understand the trauma that is caused the wives and my wife in particular. It is still very difficult for us both. It is still impossible to know how it will all turn out. But is like how people here and my therapist tell me life is a journey, the destination cannot always be known.
Hugs,
Kersten
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
Hi you two,
You are both so wonderful. Words can't even describe how beautiful both of your souls are. I'm so humbled.
I think you both bring up a good point about not "really" knowing until much later that you are "officially" a CDr. If when someone tells their wife the moment he knows he is CD (he dresses enough to know it's not something he'll grow out of) then I feel the time to come clean with his wife is at hand.
Your stories were both very touching and wonderful. I think it is a great representation of what is going through our minds when we are learning to accept who we are and not be so ashamed. As for me telling? Well I'm no hero/heroine thats for sure
I was fortunate because I read an e-mail from someone who said they were telling their fiance and it ate me up inside (I was engaged too). So I told my her about my CD'ing minutes after reading it. I just knew I had to. I didn't think it was a big deal really because at the time I wasn't admitting to myself it wasn't just women's clothing. Less than a year into our marriage I reminded her what I'd said before we got married because she was acting as if she never heard me tell her before we got married. After that talk things changed for a while. I grew more as I accepted me, but our relationship also started to lose steam. We're fine now, but it's 4 years later. It doesn't happen overnight or in weeks (acceptance).
I can empathize with both of you. You're very brave and did the best you could as soon as you could. I believe you.
I too was very touched by Love's post.
I've only met one girl in real life who told me she grew up wanting to marry a boy in a dress (even if he transitioned). Then I read things from Kathy on the CDDF where she also thought about boys in dresses when she was younger to adulthood (without losing any maleness). For most other gals having their man not be the protector, lover, masculine, handsome, gentleman they dreamed of is a bit of a shock to everything they've been taught, naturally felt, or what they expected. It's one of the biggest reasons I strongly encourage other CD'rs who haven't told their SOs and know they are somewhere in the TG'd umbrella. It's just unfair to dress behind their backs one minute past when you know. I hope Love's compassionate post is a big time convincer of how important it is. We love you Love!
Beauty
You are both so wonderful. Words can't even describe how beautiful both of your souls are. I'm so humbled.
I think you both bring up a good point about not "really" knowing until much later that you are "officially" a CDr. If when someone tells their wife the moment he knows he is CD (he dresses enough to know it's not something he'll grow out of) then I feel the time to come clean with his wife is at hand.
Your stories were both very touching and wonderful. I think it is a great representation of what is going through our minds when we are learning to accept who we are and not be so ashamed. As for me telling? Well I'm no hero/heroine thats for sure
I was fortunate because I read an e-mail from someone who said they were telling their fiance and it ate me up inside (I was engaged too). So I told my her about my CD'ing minutes after reading it. I just knew I had to. I didn't think it was a big deal really because at the time I wasn't admitting to myself it wasn't just women's clothing. Less than a year into our marriage I reminded her what I'd said before we got married because she was acting as if she never heard me tell her before we got married. After that talk things changed for a while. I grew more as I accepted me, but our relationship also started to lose steam. We're fine now, but it's 4 years later. It doesn't happen overnight or in weeks (acceptance).I can empathize with both of you. You're very brave and did the best you could as soon as you could. I believe you.
I too was very touched by Love's post.
I've only met one girl in real life who told me she grew up wanting to marry a boy in a dress (even if he transitioned). Then I read things from Kathy on the CDDF where she also thought about boys in dresses when she was younger to adulthood (without losing any maleness). For most other gals having their man not be the protector, lover, masculine, handsome, gentleman they dreamed of is a bit of a shock to everything they've been taught, naturally felt, or what they expected. It's one of the biggest reasons I strongly encourage other CD'rs who haven't told their SOs and know they are somewhere in the TG'd umbrella. It's just unfair to dress behind their backs one minute past when you know. I hope Love's compassionate post is a big time convincer of how important it is. We love you Love!Beauty
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Well girls the SO's here are slowly bringing me into focus with them. I posed the question to them that Just what is so threating about "their" crossdresser? And they in turn try and relate their feelings. I may not ever quite understand perhaps none of us as CD'ers will understand what troubles them about us when we see ourselves as being non-threating. If there is an area were male and female differ in their thoughts and understandings this has got to be one major area. Can I love my wife emotionally and physically, can I physically protect her, can I lift heavy objects for her?? Yes yes yes can I wear a dress for her and have her accept this aspect of me - evidently not!!! Does the ability to relate to ?things" from a feminine view point impress her? No, evidently not! Are we born with this gift? Science is beginning to say yes we are. Does that impress some SO's, evidently not! We as individuals are different and as sexes we are very different. For a CD'er to have an SO's who completely accepts this gift is Utopia. For those of us at the other end of the spectrum yes we have the gift, but it is hell to live with it. The benefit that having a truly NON-accepting SO in opposition of the SO's who "ride the roller coaster" at least we know where we stand from day one!.
God bless all of you and we (CD'ers) will continue to keep on keeping on and hope and pray that as our newer sisters pass this way that we will have lightened their burden by exploring this and learning and sharing to establish a better understanding between the "opposing forces"
Virginia
God bless all of you and we (CD'ers) will continue to keep on keeping on and hope and pray that as our newer sisters pass this way that we will have lightened their burden by exploring this and learning and sharing to establish a better understanding between the "opposing forces"
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
You're right. One day at a time. 