hello and story from kaye(so) - wife of kimberly s

[Kaye(SO)]

Hello. My name is kaye(so), and I am here at the request of my husband Kimberly S. This is just another step that I am taking in the art of compromise that all [successful] relationships must exercise.

My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years - and have known each other for almost 20 years. I learned about his cross dressing a couple of months before our wedding. We both thought that it would go away with marriage. When it didn't, I was okay with it when I thought it was just a kinky game between the two of us. He only had purchased lingerie up to this point. Five years after marriage, we started our family. When our children reached the ages of 6 and 8, I began to feel very uncomfortable with the cross dressing. I know now that I handled the situation poorly, but unfortunately I just said I couldn't deal with the possibility of him getting caught, for our children's well-being. I expected him to stop.

Instead of us talking about it further, I assumed he agreed with me, since he didn't outwardly oppose to my feelings. However, my husband started to purchase clothing, make up, jewelry, shoes, .... He hid these things from me - I would find something, confront him, and then he'd purge. I'd find new items, confront him, he'd purge. .............. I take partial responsibility for what has happened, because I truly did not want to talk about it. When growing up, I was taught that once a decision is made, that's that. No more discussion, even if you didn't agree with the decision. No compromise. Sometimes one person would make a decision, another time a different person would make a decision.

My husband has put up with a lot from me. I have always suffered from depression, many ups and downs. I have suffered for several years from fibromyalgia, but only was diagnosed about a year ago. I had not ever shared the extent of my pain with my husband, because I did not want to give in to the pain. I don't give up or quit easily. However, not sharing the physical (and emotional) pain with my husband made him more stressed. He didn't understand why I had my ups and downs. He turned to cross dressing (and later found out, time online) as a way to relieve stress. Before I get pounced on about that statement, yes, I know CDing is a part of him, and it has been for most of his forty years and will be for the rest of his life; I know this will never go away. But I also believe that he embraced it even more because of stress.

Then not quite 2 years ago, he returned home from a business trip. After a week and a half of not unpacking the suitcase, I thought I'd do that for him. I was ticked off at what I found - full dress, including a wig. When confronted, he admitted to going out in public, not only this time, but on a couple of other occasions. I was devastated. Not only could my husband not control himself, but he had gone behind my back sooooo many times. I know he thinks that he was protecting me, because of my depression, but to me the lack of honesty hurt the most. Unfortunately, I made cross-dressing the issue, not the broken trust.

Then about 6 months after that, as I was leaving to be with my parents (as my dad had just been hospitalized) my husband left me a book to read, 'My Husband, Betty'. I threw the book across the room, then picked it up and took it along (after bawling for awhile). Then when my husband came to my parents' for the weekend, he informed me he had a meeting in a town close by. When I asked with whom, he said that we'd talk later. I knew immediately it was with a cross dresser. I couldn't believe it!!! More hidden truths! I didn't know that he had been in contact with other cross dressers. I was soooo hurt. Because of my past, it used to be that my first reaction when I got hurt was to get ANGRY. I immediately called a friend to get some numbers of some local psychologists for myself. I insisted on a counselor with a Christian background - in hind sight, I just wanted a counselor who had morals, who could love others but at the same time not condone their actions, who was not judgmental, who was honest and would share his or her thoughts so that we could together figure out what was bothering me, .... I know everyone has different beliefs about religion; I am not pushing my ideas on anyone, I'm just telling my story. I have always considered God as a Being who wants the best for all of us. If we believe in Him and in His grace, He will provide for us our true NEEDS. I believe He has a plan for each one of us; we have a choice to make as to whether we will find and follow His plan, but we are all here for a very special purpose. I have had many experiences in my life where God has provided for me, and once again, he provided the counselor I needed. My husband, on the other hand, does not like my counselor and thinks that my counselor is clouding my vision with his own views. That topic can be another discussion in itself!

Now, after a year of my own counseling (for depression and for helping me untangle my thoughts and emotions), six months of my husband's own counseling, and four months of couple's counseling (to better our communication), I am getting closer to seeing things more clearly. I wish I could go back and change the way I handled different situations, but at the time I did what I could. I am now ready to talk to other cross dressers and to significant others, because I KNOW how I feel. I can now listen to other peoples' opinions.

I just wanted to share our story from my side, since I know that my husband has shared it from his side. Part of that is for out of fairness, but I also believe that in order for us to be helped by any of you, and for us to possibly help anybody else, both sides need to be shared.

kaye(so)

[Loretta Ann]

Hi again Kaye,

Thank you for your honesty. It is my opinion that this is one of the finer sites to come to for this kind of stuff. There are those here who are equipped to help in situations such as this. There is so much that one could say that I really don’t know where to start. So I will provide you with this link and perhaps we can go from there.

I am also a Christian, and do not agree with every opinion that is expressed in what they have to share. But it is a good place to start.

http://hometown.aol.com/gnlnews/index1.htm

There is also an area here that is private for SOs only You need to obtain access from Beauty or Sharon (SO)

Looking forward reading more from you. And again good luck with your marriage.

Love Darlene.

[Beauty]

Hi Kaye,

Wow. That was one of the most open posts I've read. I've said that more than once lately, but WOW!!!

I appreciate how you grew with yourself and with your husband to create a relationship together. Your story of struggle, sacrifice, love, being uncomfortable, being angry, being deceived, being judgmental, learning to accept, learning to understand, learning to discover was absolutely inspirational.

You illustrate something that I think is apparent here, but we don't see as much anymore because the SO section is hidden (you have access now, btw) SOs do come here a lot and are really not too happy with their hubby's CD'ing. It goes back and forth for years. It's I'm ok with it, no I'm not, ok now I'm ok, now I'm not, ok I think I'm ok. This is so normal and just as some of us have purged we should also be ok with our SOs purging too. I think it's much harder for us to see our SOs purging when we realize that we're not going to purge anymore, but I hope we learn to have acceptance of them as they accept us.

I'm so humbled by your post Kaye. What is it with people with k.a.y. in their names on this site? Kay is another resident great person here. She's respected, loved, and honored around this forum and like many of our SOs including my partner in forum life Sharon(SO) the forum wouldn't be the same with out all of them.

Thank you so much for joining us. Feel free to join in discussions in any area of the forum. SOs can post where they like.

Beauty

[DonnaT]

Great post Kaye. It really shows one of the biggest issues a number of SOs have with our CDing, that is the secrets, the hiding things, the lack of trust and failing to openly communicate our feelings to one another.

I'm glad you did not post this in the SO section, as it is an important lession to us all.

[Virginia]

Welcome Kaye,
Not much I can add to what my sisters have already said! We are very glad to have you hear and hope you will continue to participate with us.
Most of us sincerely appreciate the SO"s views and input, even if it may not be what we want to hear. Please make yourself at home and jump right in.
Thanks, with love and admiration,
Virginia

[Terri(SO)]

Hi Kaye,
Welcome in!
While my situation is very different from yours, I look forward to hearing more from you. You obviously are continuing to grow as a person and as a partner to your husband. It is wonderful.
Terri