My given name is Dan, not Colette

[Colette]

OMG! Thank you all! You all have given me more pieces of what I needed. This is the kind of conversation I need sometimes. I feel so heard and respected.

Sometimes I see the journey ahead and wonder if I can really handle it. I feel much more apart of the group now because I was able to more accurately say what was inside and because you have all responded in ways that make sense to me. There is some serious relief here.

The one thing that stands out right now is your statement, CJ, "no matter how well I think I may know the person that goes by that name, I don't. Not really." The idea has come up in numerous conversations and in reading material these last months that there really isn't a definition for who I am. I can't know myself through labels. I can describe what I do, what I like, where I come from, what is important to me, etc. Put together, these things describe the life that I am living in this moment. But in the next moment these things may have changed. I am a dynamic system, constantly changing, evolving. This is a very hopeful and very liberating thought for me. This is where I begin to really see that I have a choice (when I crossdress, for example, it does not mean I am not being true to my identity as a man. It means I am choosing right now to do what I want. Period). It is no longer about asking the question, "who am I ?" It is, "who do I want to be? What do I want." I am not dictated by my definition of myself based on the past. The whole name issue, Dan vs. Colette, illustrates this in my life. I don't like the name Daniel because of the word. I don't like it because of what others have believed of that person; what I believed of me based on their definition. I no longer want to see the person who was defined by that name. The person defined by that name was more a mask than a real person. So, I am going to redefine what that name means and perhaps someday it will fit the person I love as well as the name Colette fits. And again, it is very helpful to remember that indeed I can't say I fully know the person behind either of those labels. But I can love that person fully just the same.

I have no idea what I just said. I read it and think, "huh? What?" I was tempted to just delete it, but once again perhaps it will make sense to someone else:-)

I have really begun to see the beauty in your faces. I think that means I am beginning to see the beauty in my own!

Much love,

Dan

[Kyra]

Way to go Dan.

It sounds like you are on the right path in search of self. Enjoy the journey.

Hugs,
Kyra

[Virginia]

To again quote from the film, "What the (@#$%$) Bleep Do We Know?"
"Have you ever seen your self through the eyes of someone else you have become?"
Keep the faith, ladies.
Virginia

[CJ]

Or, to quote from author Richard Bach: "I have spent my entire life becoming the person I am today. Was it worth it?"

Socrates, as was his wont, put it more simply: "The unexamined life is not worth living." (My PHIL 101 prof used to say that "the unlived life is not worth examining" but I may have a bone to pick with that particular statement.)

Really, it's pretty simple: do not waste too much time asking yourself what "category" you belong to, or what "label" you should "file yourself" under. Rather, exult in the string of moments that go to make up your life... with the understanding that--as is the case with everything else in this world--some of those moments will be dark and noxious while some (hopefully most!) will be resplendent and awe-inspiring.

Many years ago, I wrote somewhere in my buried books of poetry that those who really "shine" have somehow managed to allow their inner splendour to escape through the cracks of their armour. This forum--and other places like it--are zones, if you will, where we feel it's safe to allow our creaking, squeaking armour to split and crack. We shine. We are beacons to one another. This is a good thing because there are many out there still living through their own "dark night of the soul."

Colette, you wrote that, when [you] crossdress, for example, it does not mean [you are] not being true to [your] identity as a man. It means [you are] choosing right now to do what [you] want. I agree, and I would add that you are being true to the identity of the moment itself. Call this "existential responsibility," if you wish. By any name, I think it's a far healthier attitude than spending our lives dog-paddling in the Bog of Regrets or dreaming of the improbable fates unfurling on the Big Screen of our longings while the building housing the theatre is burning down.

Everything you said in your last post made complete sense to me; your words hint at the darkly comic yet strangely beautiful paradox that lies at the heart of our lives: we are dynamic and constantly changing. Not only is this flux a good thing, it's the only thing. We'll be much better able to praise (and embrace) uncertainty in our lives once we realize that ol' Heraclitus himself almost had it right: not only can we not step into the same river twice, we cannot even step into it once, as its waters flow around our legs while we yet stand there.

I'm glad, Colette, that you strive to live "an examined life." Most people here do. It's what keeps me here (well, that, and the emotional bonds of friendship). That you are searching for your "center" in a world where, often, "the center does not hold," is telling of your need for meaning--something we all share. I'll be bold, here, and suggest that those who've gone through the slow-cooking hell of randomly generated opprobrium and moral censure (as is, for instance, the case with gender-variant individuals) have an upper hand when it comes to the quest for a "life worth living." Even as youngsters, our "gendered" circumstances forced us to examine what it meant to be who (and what) we are. Many, despairing and hopeless, abandon the journey, preferring the oblivion of self-destructive behaviours. Some lose their very lives to this abyss.

You're not one of those, Colette. You're looking for balance, searching for meaning, reaching out to your own center. Reaching out, period. These are all good signs. (Heh. Now just wait until you find out that there's really no "center" there at all... that'll throw you for a loop! ).

In any case, welcome to the forum. Welcome to who you can be at any given point in your life.

Love,
CJ

[Ronnie M]

I am somewhat at a loss, as how to respond, since you claim, "take it with a grain of salt".
to ME, in MY world, that tells me someone is too unsure of themselves.
as for me,...I may indeed be biological born male, but to ME I am playing-the-role AS a male. I WANT to BE female, 24/7/365.
I wish to holy hell I had the cash on hand. I'd be the one to go to the doctor and say "hey yo,..here's your cash dude, let's get goin' on this, huh?"
but that's me, okay?

I already had a couple of conversations with a hospital in minnesota about it.

anywhoway......
yeah...
I play-the-role as a guy. I hate BEING male.
so for me,...it's more than just clothes. more than makeup. it's just BEING female I am interested in.

take care out there..........

veronica in Wi aka ronnie

[Colette]

Ronnie, Thank you for sharing. Your unique experience is valuable and understandable. I hope too that someday you find a way to create in life just what you want.

CJ,

I can't believe I have taken so long to respond to your post. I adore the way you communicate. I read your post over a month ago and have had several counseling appointments since. As I said in another post, I finally have a personal commitment to moving onto grad school and eventually get my phd in clinical psych. There are several groups of people that I want to work with primarily - the elderly, people with developmental disabilities (my career has involved this group since college 12 years ago), and yes of course, people in the TG community.

The issue of crossdressing has long been the skeleton in my closet that I believed made me too unstable and unhealthy to help others. I couldn't allow myself to enter a world where if I did it the best way I believed possible, I would have to come to terms with this side of myself. Its those counselors and psychologists that "live the examined life" who have demonstrated to me and others the greatest quality of service to others. I have known some as teachers, friends, and as my own providers. The ones who always have done the best job, in my opinion, were the ones who demonstrated radical honesty and authenticity. I wanted to be that kind of person if I was going to go to school, go through counseling as a part of my training, and eventually sit in front of others and ask them to share themselves with me. I want to do what I would hope others would do. I want to trust the process that I would ask others to trust.

Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for letting me see you. For sharing of your self. That goes for all of you.

[Absaroka]

All you said made perfect sense to me.

I know a woman who goes by Dani. How would something like that work for you?

I use a screen name for anonymity although anyone who knows me well would recognize me in some of my posts anyway. Also it is unisex, which I like a lot, and reflects a lot of very personal things about me. Some one who knew me well would say "of course he chose Absaroka for a screen name"

it's your name. Call yourself what you want to call yourself.

Absaroka