In relationships, I don't think an SO, "forces" her DH to change his behavior. I think that it's part of the compromising and negotiating. The one things that I didn't see talked about is that as SO's we're not telling our CD'rs not to be who they are or to feel how they feel. What we're saying is that you can have the feelings and the need but that we would appreciate controlling some of the behaviors. And that can be done without sending a CD'r into suicide mode. If you can figure out how to meet the needs of both people in the relationship then you can work things out. It's only repression is he NEVER gets to act on the feelings or if he continues to feel as though his CDing needs are met.It does not change the fact that forcing you DH to change his behavior because of that embarrassment, or feelings of disgust at seeing another woman instead of the man you married, are still just repression and will prevent him from ever having real self esteem, because this is not true acceptance.
My own DH is so grateful to have someone in his life who remotely tolerates, accepts or participates in Cding with him that he doesn't push beyond my levels of comfort. If he needs more than what he's getting, we discuss it and we figure out ways to meet those needs and still remain in my own comfort zone as well.
My own DH doesn't fully accept himself and we work together toward this acceptance as well as him working with a therapist. All I ask is that he respect my feelings and my position and I offer him the same. I'm not telling him who he can and can't be. I'm telling him what I can and cannot live with. He has choices about what he can accept as far as my need for discretion or limits.It is saying that you don't really accept who he is, and I just don't see how he could ever feel like you accept him, as long as you don't really accept him, regardless of the feelings of embarrassment or shame you may feel.
Not true in our case. He doesn't feel rejected in the least because like I said, he's never had anyone in his life who was willing to even try to understand or accept him. He is patient and kind about my feelings and waited for two years for me to process everything and move forward. He did this because he loves me and wanted to have me in his life and wanted to share this part of himself with me when I was ready.When the SO does not fully accept the true nature of her CDing DH, it is still rejection in the mind of the CDer. This is why they are reluctant to open up anymore. They are back to defense. Back to self preservation.
Anyway, that's just me. The truth is that our society does not greet CDing with open arms and understanding. And that may never happen.
Kay(So)[/quote]
) again, he may very well fill up the supreme court with folks seeing thing the other way and it will take decades to undo the damage (justices serve for life).
